3 Things to Know to Stop Sabotaging Friendships

If there were three things I could tell someone who has the fear of getting hurt in a friendship, I would say this:
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Written by Maleeka T. Hollaway

You know, although this is hard to admit, I give myself a pat on the back for letting it out--I was a professional friendship sabotager. That's right, I used to purposely allow my friendships to go wrong or go away. Now I am not proud of this one bit but I know it was once something I did to protect myself--or so I thought.

I held this terrible fear-based belief that everyone I grew close to would somehow hurt me or leave my life for no reason. And sadly to say, the more life went on, the more this happened to me. People that I thought loved me dropped off the face of the planet or ended up breaking my heart; those who were ever-present in some of the most trying times of my life, disappeared when the road became smooth--leaving me to wonder "why?"

As everyone I cared for, outside of family, came and went, my fear of being too attached to anyone grew. I hated the feeling of missing someone. I hated the feeling of abandonment. I hated the reality that someone I cared for had once again left me--just as I believed they would.

Finally, after much contemplation and self-searching, I figured out why people had a tendency of walking out of my life. The truth is: I allowed them to. I believed they would leave, and so they did. My thoughts were creating a series of unfortunate events--and I never knew it.

I had a routine set: never be the first to text or call, never get in the habit of talking to or seeing someone daily, only trust family with BIG stuff, and if they walked away, just wave "goodbye." I never told them I loved them or appreciated them--not that I didn't, I just never told them (I was never good with mushy stuff). I can't recall any situation that ended in a huge fight or blow-up. Some friendships ended with no warning while other ended over a small disagreement. And in my stubbornness, I allow the friendship to wither away.

If there were three things I could tell someone who has the fear of getting hurt in a friendship, I would say this:

1. Let go of the fear of being hurt.
Okay, so you were hurt. Who hasn't felt the sting of being hurt? Truth be told, just as we have been hurt we have also hurt others. The feeling and emotion of pain were gifted to us for a reason. Feeling pain (or pleasure) helps you to stay aware and alert and to pay attention to those things and people who cause this feeling to surface. Take each and every ounce of pain as a lesson learned. It is not fun nor is it healthy to hold on to baggage from things of the past. Your future doesn't have room to hold it.

I had to start thinking on the bright side of things: everything happens for a reason and people are sometimes present for a season. Just as the seasons change, so does our lives. If one leaves, it must mean someone better is on the way.

2. Get over yourself.
In order to get friends, you must first BE a friend. Be who you want to attract. Being a friend does not mean waiting for someone to mess up or make you mad; it's being prepared to forgive and forget when they do. You never want to miss out what could potentially be the best connection of your life thinking yourself to be right in every situation. My fear of being hurt shifted to a fear of hurting others. I never wanted anyone to feel as if I left them. I had to think of others before I thought about myself. The higher road is not the easiest but it had the best reward.

3. Know that everyone cannot be replaced.
One thing I can say is that the friends who were meant to be lifetime buddies are still present today. Outside of family, that list may be short and small but consider the quality of those on that list over the quantity. If there is someone you know is destined to be in your life and if that person brings more light than darkness to your world, do not let them go. No matter how uneasy you may feel, swallow your fear and do what you must to maintain or fix the friendship. True friends come rarely in this journey called life. Remember that everyone serves a purpose.

I've had friends that I felt as if they were my right arm and when they left, I felt as if a part of my body was gone. That's the feeling I was afraid of. But thankfully, I learned that friends don't have to be present all the time to be a friend. Even today, there are some I can pick up the phone and call that I haven't spoken to in months and we hold a conversation as if we never stopped communicating. That's a friend.

Your biggest blessing can be passed up because of your fear to feel. Believe it or not, being able to feel is a miracle. Feeling keeps you grateful. When you experience hurt for the first time, you never forget it just as when you feel love for the first time, you always remember it-- being able to feel is one of the joys of life.

Stop allowing fear to dictate your life and ruin your friendships. The bottom line is that people come and go--it is supposed to be that way. Don't let your own selfishness keep you stuck in a box, isolated from what could be based on what was. Think about what is! You attract who you are, not who you desire to be. Be the friend that everyone wants but only a few have.

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Maleeka Taliha Hollaway, a native of Atlanta, GA, is the founder and CEO of The OfficialMaleeka Group, LLC, a boutique-styled social branding hub specializing in life coaching, business consulting, writing services and public relations. Maleeka is an Internationally Certified Life Success Coach, a candid public speaker, business & branding strategist (Internationally Certified Business Success Coach) and Best-Selling author (co-Authoring "20 Beautiful Women: Volume 2"). She is devoted to mentoring and coaching people of all ages and genders in discovering how to live the life they desire, as she is blossoming into one of the most inspirational and influential millennial voices of this generation.

Maleeka holds a Bachelor's of Arts in English from Alabama A & M University and is currently studying for a Master's of Science in Communications Specialist. Maleeka's International certifications are through The Coach Training Academy and affiliated with the Certified Coaches Alliance (CCA).

Connect with Maleeka on www.officialmaleeka.com Or @OfficialMaleeka on Twitter. FB, IG, Periscope & Blab.

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