03/28/2008 02:45 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Dickipedia: The Pilgrims

The Pilgrims is the name commonly applied to a particular group of seventeenth-century European colonial dicks. They settled in present-day Plymouth, Massachusetts. They were a religious congregation, which is not the only reason they were dicks, though it is, nevertheless, one of the reasons. The Pilgrims had originally fled a volatile political environment in the East Midlands of England for the Netherlands. But once in the Netherlands, the Pilgrims' level of dickishness was such that they couldn't live even in the Netherlands. Many have asked, what kind of dick would find the Netherlands too intolerant or too constraining? The answer is the Pilgrims.

Afraid of losing their cultural identity through misdickination, or intermarriage between they and non-dicks, the colonists decided to form a new colony in North America, securing funding from English investors. Historians often note that virtually every dick situation can ultimately trace its start back to investment bankers.