Scenes From the GOPocalypse: The Martyrdom Of Saint Romney

06/25/2008 05:08 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Mitt "the Quit" Romney has loosed the GOPocalypse upon McCain-hating conservatives today, dropping out of the race after failing to appeal to any voters besides those willing to hold their nose and pretend the stench of phony didn't follow the candidate everywhere he went. In bowing out, Romney provided a rationale so tortured that you couldn't help but imagine Romney's dream for America - a shining Double Gitmo on a Hill.

ROMNEY: Today, we are a nation at war. And Barack and Hillary have made their intentions clear regarding Iraq and the war on terror. They would retreat, declare defeat and the consequence of that would be devastating. It would mean attacks on America. Launched from safe havens that would make Afghanistan under the Taliban look like child's play. About this I have no doubt. Now, I disagree with Senator McCain on a number of issues as you know, but I agree with him -- but I agree with him on doing whatever it takes to be successful in Iraq and finding and executing Osama bin Laden. And I agree with him on eliminating al Qaeda and terror worldwide. Now, if I fight on in my campaign all the way to the convention, I want you to know, I've given this a lot of thought, I've forestalled the launch of a national campaign and frankly I've been making it easier for Senator Obama or Clinton to win. Frankly, in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror.

Yes, because that's precisely what would happen. If only we could have Romney, somehow restraining spending while simultaneously pissing it away in a region where Osama bin Laden isn't! And, along the way, continuing to pretend that the Taliban was defeated! Isn't the "safe haven" that makes Afghanistan look like "child's play" Pakistan? Home of our partners in peace and democracy?

Oh, the leadership you could have had, America. Mitt Romney has surrendered to save you, because he is the GREATEST AMERICAN HERO for which no one in their right mind voted. Let the hundred years of McCain war begin! Romney will be there, changing his mind with each sunrise, torturing his family dog, and hunting down the varmints that threaten his sanctuary mansion. NEVER FORGET!

Postscript: As reported by Sam Stein, the crowd's reaction was apparently really emotional. Dana Bash told CNN that women in the audience actually cried hearing this news. Those women have now somehow become the frontrunners for the Democratic nomination.

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