The 50 Funniest Jokes Ever (According to One Paper)

NY Post:

According to some of the funniest people on earth, these are the 50 most hilarious jokes of the last 12 months, whether they were told in nightclubs, on television or around a platter of fries at a late-night diner meal. Feel free to incite your own laugh riot.

Roseanne

A doctor tells a guy: "I have bad news. You have Alzheimer's, and you have cancer." Guy says, "Thank God I don't have cancer."

Jackie Mason

Hillary Clinton says she's the most qualified because she was married to a president for eight years. Now let me ask you, if a brain surgeon quit his job, would everyone in the operating room say, "Wait, let's get his wife."

Lisa Lampanelli

I was watching Gene Simmons' TV show, "Family Jewels." Or as it's known in the business, " 'The Osbournes' Without the Talented Father."

Laura Kightlinger

Story continues below

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After miraculously surviving two heart surgeries, pneumonia and a mild stroke, at 82 my grandfather was no longer able to care for himself. Now he lives with my aunt who spoon-feeds him, takes him to the bathroom, etc. Proof that what doesn't kill you makes you a burden to someone else.

Bill Maher

Barack Obama bowled a 37. Is he black enough for you now?

Bobby Slayton

I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One's getting breasts, one's getting whiskers. My life is over.

Read the whole story: NY Post

Comments

[rikkirighteous]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

[rikkirighteous]

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

[rikkirighteous]

Hey, I got it the first time. Sheesh!

[sa]

a man is about to go into the desert for 2 years,
nobody knows why,
but jokes often demand such harsh terms.

he tells his best friend -
if i'm not back in two years
i want you to be with my wife -
here is the key to her chastity belt.
his friend solemnly takes the key and bows.

the man heads off into the desert, alone on a horse (as jokes sometimes go).
he is a couple miles out of town when a whirlwind of dust
approaches him from the town he left.
he is baffled by the unexpected tornado.

he slows his horse and turns,
and it is his best friend.

"wrong key." his friend tells him.

[AlmostLiberal]

Why is the Brokeback Mountain joke supposed to be funny?

Anyone? I don't get it.

[EngineerBill]

Watching Bill Maher interview Sen. Arlen Specter, he said that He wished he would have been the running mate of either George Bush. Why? Because then the ticket would have been "Bush & Specter". (hint: sound it out).

[jbeach]

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: That's not funny.

[MrVinegar]

Emo Philips
Cellphones are like a dog's nipples. You don't have to shout into them!

That has got to be the funniest thing I've read in a long time!

[zendem1]

Two old ladies on a park bench. Guy walks up and flashes them. One old lady had a stroke. The other couldn't quite reach that far.

Skeleton walks into a bar. Says, "gimme a beer and a mop."

[shaggles]

None of those were all that funny.

[VitriolAndAngst]

I was going to say that these jokes killed when they were spoken live.
But I don't think we have enough evidence to convict...

[ba-doomp boomp!]

[lastams]

How many women with pms does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

One goddammit!

[3fingerbrown]

Henny Youngman: A hooker walked up to me on the street and said, "I'll do anything you want for $50." I said, "OK. Paint my house."

[tmoraca]

Wow, how unfunny. And a quarter of them are racist. Oh wait, they're just jokes, I shouldn't take it so seriously...

[JJI]

they forgot the best joke of all: Hillary saying the race is close

[lowry99]

Obama is up by about 8.5% in delegates but only 3% in popular, much less if FL and MI weren't blocked by his campaign in a revote (.6%!). He won't have enough to win without superdelegates and the most important state next to OH is being entirely disenfranchised. I remember another candidate who won the white house because FL wasn't allowed to vote.

[JJI]

*Sigh. I was making a joke, because this is a joke post, but here we go.

A primary is a race for delegates. Period. That's the goal. All this talk of popular vote, or electoral vote, is crap.

For those football fans out there: what is the objective of the game? To score more points. You can measure total yards for a team, but it really doesn't matter except to see that if a team has more yards, but less points, well then they really didn't convert when they needed to.

All it means is the team with less points . . . lost. Period.

[jbeach]

Sigh! This isn't funny, but I have to set the record straight.

Florida and Michigan ****aren't**** blocked by Obama's campaign. They are "blocked" by MI and FL's refusal to follow the rules of the Democratic party.

It went down exactly like this:

1) MI and FL party leaders tried to have their primaries early, so they could have more weight than the rest of the other states
2) the heads of the Democratic party said no, don't do that.
3) MI and FL heads said "We'll do it anyway"
4) the heads of the Democratic party said "if you do that, we'll strip your delegates, because we're not allowing you to screw up the primary schedule."
5) MI and FL said "we dare you"
6) Hillary Clinton had her name on the ballot in MI, while Obama and Edwards played by the rules and didn't put their names on the ballot
7) Hillary campaigned in FL, while Obama and Edwards played by the rules and did not
8) Hillary is holding onto the possibility of delegates from MI and FL, because it is one of the few fingernail-hold longshots she has left - and even with those delegates, Obama still has her beat.

Calling this "disenfranchisement" is a bunch of crap. That's all there is to it. Period, the end.

[lowry99]

what's red, blue, orange and looks great on hippies?

fire!

Try the veal.

[VitriolAndAngst]

You just made these 50 jokes seem slightly funnier in comparison.