04/19/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

The Wrong Way To Deal With Breaking-Up

When I went through a devastating breakup from my long-term boyfriend, I expected my friends to humor my misery tolerantly. Anticipating endless evenings of red wine, revenge plans, and the occasional crank call, I was irked to find that my typically caustic friends had morphed into soulless Susie Sunshines, fonts of the kind of condescending self-help dictates I found both conventional and impossible to adhere to.

In my heartbroken state I yearned to do all the "wrong" things: exact brutal revenge, wallow in cynicism, and seek out meaningless shags. My concerned posse, on the other hand, suggested yoga, smiling from the inside, recording my feelings in a journal and going on Platonic dates with young architects in Agnes B suits. Ignoring their advice, I chose the alternate route.

And I can now proudly affirm that I am now purged through bad behavior.

Without further ado, my rulebook for the self-destructive and newly single:

1. Drink a lot
Aside from lowering inhibitions (see number 2) and providing a few memorable evenings that don't end with you sobbing over old photographs, drinking can help with excessive talking. I discussed my heartbreak over cocktails so incessantly that, after a couple weeks, even I was utterly bored with it. Think of it as therapy with a hangover. In the appropriate setting, drugs could also take the edge off; if I still lived in Northern California I might have gone up to Humboldt and taken mushrooms while playing bongos with a dreadlocked man named Leaf.

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