Al Qaeda Documents Reveal 'Surprisingly Bureaucratic And Persistently Fractious' Organization
To the best of my knowledge, Foreign Affairs does not feature a Janice Min-style "They're Just Like US!" feature, but if they did, it would surely note that in their remote hideaways in the tribal regions of Afghanistan and Pakistan, the people who work for our terrorist enemies in al Qaeda are just as afflicted by the vague hell of bureaucracy as we are, and, according to recently declassified documents, just as "bitter" (but far, far more gun 'n' religion clingy!) as any working class Scrantonian.
It's all found in some recently declassified documents reported on by the Los Angeles Times:
In two pages mixing flowery religious terms with itemized complaints, the Egyptian boss accused the militant of misappropriating cash, a car, sick leave, research papers and an air conditioner during "an austerity situation" for the network. He demanded a detailed letter of explanation.
"I was very upset by what you did," Atef wrote. "I obtained 75,000 rupees for you and your family's trip to Egypt. I learned that you did not submit the voucher to the accountant, and that you made reservations for 40,000 rupees and kept the remainder claiming you have a right to do so. . . . Also with respect to the air-conditioning unit, . . . furniture used by brothers in Al Qaeda is not considered private property. . . . I would like to remind you and myself of the punishment for any violation."
Leading the effort to gain some aid and comfort at the expense of our enemies is Swampland blogger Ana Marie Cox, who sees the clear signs of Office Space-like discontent among the jihadist ranks, and mocks, "Someone in Al Qaeda did not attach the coversheet to his TPS report."
In some parallel universe, they've started a consulting business to train executives in the same kind of counterintuitive process; it took 1500 years for someone to come out with "Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun," what's the time line for "Who Moved My Jihad?" The only flaw would be first chapter, which would have to be something along the lines of, "Step One: Have your corporate rival start a stupid, costly, and unnecessary war." Step two, of course, would be "Hope they start another one."
Naturally, the only bad news is the active plan that President Bush and Candidate McCain believe will serve as an effective counter, which seems partially inspired by South Park's "Underpants Gnomes":
1. Start crazy expensive war. 2. ? 3. Mission accomplished!
We shall achieve victory in our time through the proper filing of travel expenses.