Sex-Starved Women: America's Best Kept Secret?

Psychology Today blogger Michelle Weiner Davis addresses what may be a growing epidemic.

As someone who is in the front lines with couples, I have grown increasingly aware that women have no corner on the low libido market. In fact, based on my clinical observations and casual conversations with colleagues, I'd say that low desire in men is America's best kept secret. After all, in a culture where virility is inextricably connected with masculinity, why would any man want to broadcast his drop in desire? Most of the data available on the incidence of low libido in men is based on self-report and estimates vary widely. Do we really know what goes on behind bedroom doors? I don't think so.

You can read more on sex-starved women and the male libido here, as well. Or, check out Michelle Weiner Davis' book on the subject of sex-starved women.

Some women are even getting in on the prostitution trend. Click here to read one woman's story on why she pays a man for sex.

So, all you female HuffPost readers, are you starved for sex? What are some of the excuses you've heard from the men in your life? And to the men out there, how are your libidos? Can't imagine turning sex down? Tell us your thoughts, we're all friends here!

Comments

[MGhamma]

The only sex starved women I know are single. The only sex starved men I know are married.

[sweetchuckd]

This might help explain why so many female teachers are getting arrested for having steamy romances with their students. Check out all the stories at http://detentionslip.org.

[ohmercy]

Dear God what an illogical statement.

[Giglawyer]

MGhamma speaks the truth.

[TheCowman]

ohmercy what are you talking about???

That was actually the most profound thing ever said here on HuffPo.

Way to go MGhamma, can I put that on a t-shirt???

[THINKB4USPEAK]

Having thought, now I will "speak". I don't know if I should even weigh in on this one, as I am no longer a player in this game. But, considering my 60s/70s/80s/90s veteran status, I might have some insight to offer. Such as; (60s) "Do you want to get it on?, (70s) "I've got 'ludes", (80s) "I've got cable", and (90s) "I'm HIV negative". I don't mean to come across as misogemous, but any woman unable to find a male for sex is just not trying, Ladies, we all suffer from the ITCH sometimes, which causes us to make less-than-optimal choices in our recreational activities. Gentlemen, same message, The best sex is not from the excretment of bodily fluids, it is a hindu-like union of body, mind, and soul.

[spaceman3838]

in all the bad conversations on huffpo this is the worst. a bunch of people with opinions that are not worth reading

[THINKB4USPEAK]

Being a spaceman, I guess you WOULD find human sexuality a rather bland subject.

[francoise]

Or else he's a she who belongs to the group we're talking about ;-)

[Brinkman]

It's pronounced "spah chem mahn".

[mlambert890]

Ha! great comment!

[candlewax]

I have 3 nieces and all three, along with their mother are constantly trash talking boys and men. When they have parties, they actually cordon off rooms for girls only making my sons feel like second class citizens. They also have "girls only" parties to make sure the insult is well known. None of these nieces has a steady boyfriend, and they shouldn't really wonder why but they do.

[francoise]

candlewax,

If your story was anecdotal, it wouldn't matter so much.

Unfortunately, it seems to be a trend for American girls and women to humiliate men, make them feel like useless and despicable creatures, worthless pieces of crap.

Whereas they behave as if they were pricey goddesses of beauty and intelligence. I can't stand this unbearable nose-in-the-air attitude.

Why's that ? I don't know. Perhaps girls and women think that they'll obtain more from men who'll work their butts off to pay expensive stuff to please these goddesses.

[ohmercy]

Really?
Who are these women?

Or are they girls, young'uns?
I don't know women like that. In fact I've always treated men like kings, in the sense that they knew they were cared for, spoiled in many ways. Very few men have reciprocated... they seem to be drawn to bitches that they have to work hard for... I just walk after awhile.
If you can't treat me like I'm a queen... and I don't mean with "things" then don't accept being treated so well.

By the same token if a woman is treating you the way you are describing perhaps you resist being treated well and don't spend time giving as miuch love as you expect. Love is a verb. Act loving and maybe you will atract women who are loving as well.
They are certainkly out there...
Of course if you are only attracted to gorgeous, vapid bimbo's then you get what you deserve.

[blahber]

grrrrrrrrls rule! just wait until they do ... I signed up for a dating site ........ HUNDREDS oif 38+ women have shown interest in me. Most, virtually all, have "concentrated on the career, and are now ready ....", blah, blah, blah ...

Most also have an exceptionally long list of demands, and have had the rod of "self-esteem" jammed so far up them, their opinion of themselves is equally exceptional. Many demand
height of 5'11 and up. I'm 5'10.5'', they can f*ck off

[loki]

Dont forget, they all want someone who makes 150k plus a year, with no kids, and will blindly obey them.

If went on a couple dates from an major internet dating site only to be very disappointed that the pictures online were either from 10 years and 75 pounds ago, or had been photoshop'd. I was polite and went through with the date, but twice was enough for me. I stay away from the "professional" dating sights.

[ohmercy]

Yes, and many of the men in their 60's want women under 35 or 40, (the younger the better)curvy, slim, petite, great body, "cute," pretty, well educated, financially independent, professional, who enjoy long walks on the beach, traveling (though since they are 35 or 40 they are probably working so I guess they have to travel on their vacations, worked around his schedule, or take extra time off blahblahblah.

Please, it works both ways. There are many age appropriate women who are still beautiful... in fact some are more beautiful than they ever were, more interesting and exciting and adventurous with less hangups... but that won't feed the guy's ego like a younger woman will. And well educated. Oi, these guys are retired from jobs that they didn't need to have a degree to do when they started out. Even if they have a degree doesn't mean they are capable of having adult and interesting conversations... There are many people who have no degree and are far brighter and more interesting than many who do. Possibly lived more interesting lives than those who have worked professionally for umpteem years in a limited area.

Yup, it works both ways.
There are as many men who are often asses whose masculinity is all tied up in money and who he has on his arm.

[singermuse]

There are Good men, and there are Not-so-Good men. I've known both kinds and fortunately more of the former than the latter. Men and women need to realize that essentially we're on the same team, and when you strip away the social trappings, we want the same things: to be loved, to feel good, to not be alone, to matter, to make something of ourselves in this world.
Shelter. Water.Food. Sex. Feeling Safe.
And for some of us, perhaps that there is a Higher Purpose to our existence on this rare and valuable little blue planet.
All the crass comments and vitriol get really old in the light of what's really important.
Men need to get laid. Women need to get laid.
People everywhere need love in all it's wonderful forms.

[KarateKid]

American women are a turn off. A great example is Hillary. Why on earth would any man want a relationship with someone like her? American women, in their quest for "equality" have lost their way. I don't blame anyone for trying to get ahead, but many men feel emasculated and when that happens, there's no nookie. It's bad when a man prefers to surf the Internet and post comments in places like Huff Post. LOL.

[spaceman3838]

yes i agree guys like you are losers glad we both agree on that

[timeforachangenow]

boy, it sure didn't take long for this thread to illicit a Hillary basher....8(

it seems that no where in this blog is it safe to be able to go without listening to their crap...8(

maybe you could TRY to contain yourself.....just a LITTLE!

[ohmercy]

Its amazing isn't it?
No matter what the thread, no matter how far from the subject a Hillary Hater MUST, absolutely MUST get a dig in, find some way to slam, demean or distort her.
But it now proves to me what I have always suspected about many Hillary Haters. They project so much on her.

this election is so bizarre the way the demonization and the elevationg to Sainthood of two people.
Damn weird.
Emasculation is a sad thing.

[Pearldiver]

Why is it necessary to be able to fantasize having a "relationship" with Hillary Clinton in order to like and admire her?? She's running for the office of chief executive, not participating in a dating contest!

[mlambert890]

Oh right... "American women"...

Maybe your problem is the pompous ass attitude expressed in this kind of comment?

"American women" consist of women from all walks of life and all corners of the globe. If you can't find an "American woman" that you can connect with, then maybe the issue is that you've been playing for the wrong team and havent realized.

[ohmercy]

LOL

That was well said!

[ohmercy]

but many men feel emasculated and when that happens, there's no nookie.

sounds like a personal problem.

If men feel emasculated because women are successful then they need therapy.

Why would anyone want a relationship with Hillary Clinton?
Because she is smart... brilliant really... persistant, determined, strong and very supportive of those around her... including her philandering husband who became President through her support and goodness.

This bringing HRC into any and every thread to dump on her is pathological but it certainly proves a point that I have long suspected about many Hillary Haters. They feel emasculated and pissed off and so project their impotence and rage onto her as if it is her fault that they are impotent.

Thanks for that.
Very useful picture of how it is.
I knew the Hillary Hate was far too insane to be personal with all that venom.

Sexism lives.
Shhh, don't say it too loud because the sexists get upset and deny that it is real because it emasculates them.
just perfect.
I really love you for this!
WOW!

[neurolux]

The sex-starved women need to wear some sort of badge so I'd know who I can seriously hit on without being slapped/maced/tazered.

[Wilburrr]

Geez... you've been slapped/maced/and Tazered? By the same woman? Did you get her phone number??

[ohmercy]

ahhhh LMAO!
Very good.

do I have a gal for you.
;-)

[jesuswazasocialist]

ROFL
I am here in Australia and I am quite happy to leave my email address and the email addresses of my mates for some of these "sex starved American women" to email some real men ... Aussie men.
American men have been pacified and are too metro now anyway.

[ExRepublican]

"American men have been pacified and are too metro now anyway."

I just fell off the back of a banana boat. Just curious, does 'metro' mean:

* way overweight

* on multiple meds

* hates exercise

* wouldn't know how to treat a woman sensually if it bit him in the left buttcheek?

Just wondering ......

Having said the above, I guess this could apply to American women also?

Ahhhh jeez, this sex stuff always confuses & embarasses me (I'm a far right dude - being uncomfortable with sex comes with the territory).

Women are from Pluto & Men are from Uranus ... or whatever.

[francoise]

Aussie man,

Just don't forget your credit card and the phone numbers of both your devoted shrink and attorney.

Because you'll be expected to pay for everything before you can at last get into an American woman's bed.

Then you'll feel like a worthless provider of everything because you'll never be up to the high expectations of this unique and exceptional star who was so wrong to waste her time with such a loser. Hence the shrink needed to restore your self esteem.

Then you might be sued for any reason. Hence the attorney to get you out of a very expensive trial.

I really don't think it would be reasonable for a foreigner on a visa to try and have sex with an American woman.

[loki]

Aussie man, I dont blame you for wanting something from another country. I had the misfortune of being married to an Australian. One back stabbing cheating, loud mouth control freak. Her family and friends were the same as well. Before we were married she was the greatest person I ever knew, but within a month after the rings went on, it was like a switch went on. I never met her family until after we were married as we were in the states. I know I wont do that mistake again.

[timeforachangenow]

don't Taser me man (woman)...8)

[CAPTAINSKIPPY]

Take a good look at the picture for this article, which is loaded with clues about why this might be true.

[Gary47]

Sex is about relationship. Give me a half-attractive women with a little intelligence, some self-esteem, some delight in her body, an open mind and some playfulness - well, look out. Lots of libido here. But add some judgment, a need to live in a box of rules, wearing sack dresses to bed and whine whine whine, well I'll go read the paper...

[wedgie]

How about this one?

"Sex doesn't matter to my wife, unless I'm having it with someone else."

Now ain't that a sad state of affairs.

Hardy har har.

(I crack me up.)

**

[Soulsurfer]

Or, "Now that I'm married, I can have sex whenever she wants."

[wedgie]

Peg Bundy is way hot.

**

[Wilburrr]

You need to get out more...

[francoise]

American men are really great. As a french woman, living in macholand, I've always appreciated the relationships I've had with American men. Their kindness, their happiness as soon as a woman is being nice, respectful, and appreciative of whom they are.

To summer it, I would say : if you American men want to be taken care of like a pacha, find a french woman. And vice versa. Great sex will follow.

[francoise]

I might be stereotyping, but from what I saw and felt around the USA :

First, you guys marry way too young. I saw young brides having their pic taken in Washington in front of all the monuments, they looked like kids in a wedding disguise. Not to mention Utah where a girl has to be married before she's 21.

Second what's this thing you guys have for marriage ? If one loves a person, and is loved by this person, they can just live together out of choice. An everyday choice. Legal marriage seems to be the very big deal in life and everyone is proud when married as if it were the biggest achievement in life.

Third, please I apologize, but most American women are bitches. They're never satisfied with what money their husband brings home, they're always bossing their men around, and they never cook nice meals for them, nor iron properly their shirts, whereas he cuts the grass and repaint the walls. Moreover they don't take care of their figures, have big bellies and huge butts, but of course they'll spend fortunes on their nails and on elaborate hair dressing that looks ridiculously sophisticated. And American women are no fun to be with, they won't understand irony and sarcasm, and god ! how self centered they are ! Only complaining about their lousy life due to her husband, this loser, this bastard !

Obviously sex can't be great in this environment.

[JeremyO]

You bring up a valid point. Many American men are much more interested in foreign women, Asia, Western Europe, Latin America. Many would say they're turned off by American women for the reasons you stated. They find a very different woman outside of the US. And many American men with American wives envy them.

[francoise]

JeremyO,

Well, I guess that marriage has always been a way to climb up the social ladder.

Many foreign women want the opportunities and the freedom that one can find in America, compared to the crap that one will have in China where political opponents are jailed, in Poland where a doctor is paid 300 euros a month, or in Cuba where one must ask for permission to travel to the next village.

At least foreign women are grateful to their American husbands and they'll try to make him happy.

[timeforachangenow]

why did you leave out the Eastern European women???

if anyone hasn't tried a Czech woman then you are missing the boat....8)

they are beautiful...friendly....funny....great in bed...and very appreciative....8)

and to top it off they are not SPOILED as most of the US women are....8)

at least not until they spend too much time in this country....8(

then they become almost the same as a US woman...not much good for anything...8)

[livesimply]

I've heard French men are phenomenally sexist...from my brother who spent a lot of time there writing a book and doing graduate work. Based on your comments, though I don't like to stereotype, he seems to have a point.

[francoise]

livesimply,

Your brother is right. It seems to be anchored in french men's brains that women are inferior beings. French men and women aren't "at war" with one another, however it's very difficult for women to reach high positions at work.

Although it might also come from the fact that french women enjoy to have a not too time consuming job, because they love to take care of the family, to cook of course since we're french ;-), to run the house, to spend a lot of time with cousins, parents, kiddos. It might be less true in Paris where people have less time, but here every sunday looks like thanksgiving with many family gatherings at grand ma's or son's place.

French women consider themselves as happy and successful when they feel that their family, extended family, is happy.

But of course our country is small and french people are mostly descendants of farmers. We don't come from pioneer ancestors. Hence we have a tendency to live where we're born and hate to relocate far from Mom and Dad's place.

[Serfie]

Francoise,

You must be related to Alexander de Toqueville, who wrote "Democracy in America" and made many observations about American social life.

The only thing where I would disagree with your astute judgments is when you said that American women have hair that is ridiculously sophisticated.

I think American women have ugly hair: cheap cuts, bad styling, horrible coloring.

Other than that, you were right on the money.

American men are better off with foreign women, because I can't think of one redeeming value of American women.

[francoise]

Serfie,

Thanks for the compliment, francoise's blushing ;-) Unfortunately, I'm not related to anyone famous :-(

Only on HuffPo I can read comments from cultured people who know about foreign writers.

As for American women's hair, I think we agree even if I didn't describe it properly : it doesn't look natural. Either unaturally straight, or unaturally curly. Or unaturally fair. Or too much volume.

Here we keep our "birds nests" as a Brit told me once !

[USBrit]

I'd pretty much agree with your points, but let me note that many of the younger British women seem a rough bargain as well. Personally, my wife is Chinese and that has been one of the best choices of my life. The last group I would choose from would be American women if something were to happen to my wife - the upkeep on them is more than I can bother to keep up with.

[francoise]

USBrit,

I spent one year working in Great Britain, in York. Great place, great people, not so great weather but then I live in the South of France so obviously I was mad at having to not forget my umbrella every day ;-)

I found British girls very nice. I shared a flat with two girls, and they were so easy to live with. The teachers I worked with in high school were also always friendly. I was invited for pints at the pub next to every evening, and for sunday meals or outings every week end. I felt as if the whole teaching staff had made a point of entertaining me !

As a teenager, I used to spend my summers working as an au pair in British families. The four ones I worked for were all so great !

Things might have changed so I can't testify for current times. It was 20 years ago. At the time I found Brit men were gentlemen, and Brit women were gentlewomen.

American men aren't that different from Brit men in that way they have of making jokes with a straight face, and I love this sarcastic humor. And both of them always behave appropriatly. No one ever whistled at me neither in the US nor in Britain... except latino construction workers ! Somehow it was a relief, I guess I was starting to feel ugly or transparent without the vulgar whistles I'm used to in France ;-)

[Blefuscu]

This woman is so clueless. This marriage counselor writes a book called "The Sex-Starved Marriage" and tells us that men have low libidos? The fact that men do not want to bang their wives is not evidence of low male libido. Ms. Davis needs to take a break from her self-deceiving fantasyworld -- a.k.a. girl-land.

[biglith]

Old men spell sex: v-i-a-g-r-a.

[livesimply]

Exaaactly! So they can show girls 20 years their junior how virile they are.

[lhsouthern1988]

that is why it was created so old men could have sex with their trophy wives

[LunaNik]

As an American woman who would be happy to have sex daily, I can name aspects of the problem. One is the self-loathing nature of American women. Hollywood, the media, and the advertising industry tell us we're losers unless we conform to some manufactured idea of perfection. It's an attitude that's ingrained in us from puberty. As a result, most women are extremely uncomfortable with their bodies.

Two, American men have a preoccupation with manufactured perfection. You rarely see, in real life, women who have spent $50,000 on plastic surgery, and whose every blemish has been Photoshopped into oblivion. You NEVER see real women in a skin magazine. You see products.

Three, most American men think they're amazing lovers. Many of them are mistaken. You cannot learn how to please a partner from watching porn.! What's depicted in porn is unrealistic. Most women don't want to be pounded for hours with a 12-inch penis. Especially with no foreplay. Neither do we want our nipples twisted like recalcitrant radio knobs.

The corollary: that most women don't SAY what they like. Ladies, if you want a better lover, teach him! Abandon the ridiculous idea that there's something sinful about sex, or that sex is something you shouldn't talk about. And forget the moronic notion that sex is a prize awarded the highest bidder...or a "goodie" to be withheld. By doing that, you're playing right into the outdated attitude that women are property.

No wonder you're not getting laid.

[desthmoneses]

Wonderful post, you manage to say things perfectly about our culture and its sex life contradictions.

[loki]

I dont think any mentally stable man expects a Hollywood, Vouge perfect model. Overweight women can be very attractive too. Its when they get obese, eating a box of twinkies a day ones that many men avoid. But those are getting more common than not. At least in the Midwest and especially when you are talking around my age, early 50's.

[FlyingLow]

Wow! You're my kind of woman! .... intelligent, a strong libido, willing to tell/show the man exactly what you want, and understanding of what's required to keep a relationship hot. It's too bad more women (and men) don't think as you do. To add to what you said, I see many of my male peers giving up any attempt to stay fit and I'm sure they've also lost their endurance. Granted, three hours of pounding isn't necessary, but I would imagine most women would love to have a man who has the ability to keep going as long as necessary for them to have an orgasm after long and slow foreplay. I won't even go to high school reunions anymore - everyone looks and thinks "old." We, as a society, accept being sedentary as 'normal' despite being the evolutionary result of several hundred thousand years of intense physical exercise.

[babylonandon]

There are ways for a guy to take care of business even if he isn't in the best shape (like having a badly blown spine leading to becoming overweight).

Imagination and effort with mouth, hands, and/or toys goes a long way guys even if you don't have a lot of endurance or are disabled to some degree. The most important thing is to make sure she is satisfied (pleasing her first goes a very long way!!).