Turning Rage Into Reconciliation In Israel

This story was originally posted at ODEMagazine.com.

I was born and raised in Jerusalem. I had a normal, happy childhood. I came from a liberal, left-wing family, which means I knew something of the situation. I was for peace, but I never saw myself as part of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. My life and dreams were very far away from all that. The reality of Israeli life helped a lot. Even though I grew up in Jerusalem, the biggest Israeli-Palestinian city, I never met with Palestinians and never talked to them. As far as I was concerned, we lived in different worlds.

When I was 18, I joined the army. It was mandatory, but I went gladly. I believed it was my civic duty. I believed one should contribute oneself to one's community. I believed I was going to protect the borders of my country and defend its citizens. But even there I couldn't see myself as part of it all. Again, my dreams lay very far away, and I knew this soldier thing would end one day. But a piece of reality burst my bubble.

I got the news that there had been a bombing while I was training for something or other far from home. My sister Smadar was missing. I remember the long ride home, hoping for the best. But the second I saw my parents, I knew. They had just come back from the morgue where they'd identified the body of my sister.

Smadar died on September 4, 1997. On that day, two Palestinians blew themselves up in the centre of Jerusalem, killing eight and wounding another 50. Smadar was 14 years old. She had gone downtown with some friends to buy things for school. My sister and her friends had the misfortune of being close to one of the bombers. She died instantly, as did her best friend. The third friend was critically injured.

When we're confronted with such a situation, the first question is, of course, How do I go on? How do I deal with the pain? Society offers several solutions to this problem. One is to be sad. Another is to be angry. I refused to take either path.

Life is too precious to be wasted in sombre reminiscence. I thought my sister, who was full of life and love, deserved better than to be remembered in such a sad fashion. I understood that the first victim of my anger would be me. It's easy to succumb to anger, hate and fear, especially when we're hurt by a faceless menace such as terrorism. You can't hate someone so you hate something--not a Palestinian, but the Palestinians, all of them.

But this prospect of living my life as someone who fears everything and hates everyone was unacceptable. The possibility of revenge didn't give me any peace either. Who would be the object of my revenge? Would it make me feel any better? The man who killed my sister was dead.

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What was missing from my life was Smadar, my sister, not honour or satisfaction. It didn't matter how many Palestinians would die; she'd never come back. Because of my pain, should more lives be ruined? I decided I couldn't allow it.

What had happened to me was beyond repair. In trying to "fix" it, I'd only destroy myself. My sister didn't die so Israel would be safe; she didn't die because Arabs are naturally bad or because Islam is an evil religion. She died because of a political situation, man-made and solvable.

The events of our time show us there's no violent solution to violence. If you want people to stop trying to kill you and themselves, give them a reason to live. I became aware of the contaminating nature of violence, of its incapacity to generate anything but more violence.

If we really want to stop the violence, to make sure no more innocent lives are lost, we must struggle for a peace agreement. I work for peace in many ways, but the most significant one in my eyes is through the Israeli-Palestinian Families' Forum, a group of 500 families--250 from Israel and 250 from Palestine--that have lost a family member in this conflict. Through this group that I co-founded I've met Palestinians, real ones, not stereotypes or caricatures, but real people like Ali Abu Awwad, who spent four years in Israeli jails. He was shot by a settler, his brother murdered by a soldier. Nevertheless, Ali still wants peace. There are many others like him.

If I can talk to these people, many of them former members of Palestinian resistance movements like the one that killed my sister, and if they can talk to me after losing their family members, no one has a reason not to communicate.

We want to show people in pain that there's another way to deal with it, through hope rather than hate. In our group, we know peace will only be achieved with dialogue. We know it's imperative that each side knows the story, the suffering and the hopes of the other side. If we can speak to each other, anyone can!

Elik Elhanan is co-founder of the Israeli-Palestinian Families' Forum, known as Bereaved Parents for Peace. This is excerpted from a speech published in Occupation Magazine (kibush.co.il).

Comments

[Gingerously]

The solution is simple: end the occupation. Only Israel and the US are opposed to this obvious solution.

[pkafin]

The solution is not that simple.

Did you read when his sister was killed?

Due to the Oslo peace process, by 1997 Israel had withdrawn from all of the Palestinian population centers and made it quite clear that it was on board for a comprehensive settlement that would include a Palestinian state with which would have peaceful normalized relations.

In the ensuing years it has become apparent that Israel will be both willing and able to implement a withdraw that leaves the Palestinians with territory that is equal in size to the state that the Palestinians should have had in 1948.

Israel ceding control is a necessary part of the solution. However, an equally important part of the formula is the part in which the Palestinians get control of the elements within their national drive that cannot reconcile itself with an Israel in any form, on any part of the land between the Jordan River and the Mediterranean Sea.

It is naive to think that an end to "the occupation" alone will produce "the solution" to this seemingly endless train wreck. The Israelis know this. The Palestinians know this. What makes you think that you know better than they?

[SadButWiser]

And how many Palestinians brothers and sister have died because of the occupation? Do you know the ratio? I think the numbers are, for every one innocent Israel killed by the Palestinians, more than 20 innocent Palestinians killed by the Israeli army.

End the occupation then hold everyone into account.

[pedrothemigrant]

yes end the occupation of tel aviv, jerusalem and the rest of israel, yes? you pathetic farce of a soul

[Dap]

Thank you for sharing your poignant life experience, my condolence on the loss of your sister, your actions remember Her well. Peace be with you.

[StudentThinker]

Thanks very much for your sober article, and your work towards peace. Dialog indeed is very important.

[bitabingbitabangbitaboom]

When peace comes we will perhaps in time be able to forgive the Arabs for killing our sons, but it will be harder for us to forgive them for having forced us to kill their sons.
---Golda Meir



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[wm1066]

Good article, thanks Huffington for posting this.
I wish she could have talked more about how she cooled her revenge response.
You just can't stuff it down, you need to vent it, to get it out somehow. Maybe its just talking about it that helps get past the pain.

[marymansour]

Bravo! Having lived in Egypt during the Sadat years and having seen Israel and Egypt normalize relations, I learned how important engaging in talks with the other side can be. Thank you for speaking out for peace in these troubling times. The only option for countries, states or resistance groups is to go to the peace table. Remember Nixon, Reagan and JFK.