The Secret Lives Of Married Men

This week's New York magazine cover story delves into why the Spitzer scandal came as no surprise to a lot of married men. As the author explains,

When the Eliot Spitzer scandal broke in March, I had only sympathy for him: another middle-aged married guy tormented by his sexual needs. I'm 52 and have always struggled with the desire for sexual variety. Everyone gets an issue, and that's mine; it's given me pleasure and pain, and jolted my marriage. I'd only talked about my issue with any honesty over the years with about six or seven people, and when you leave out my wife and a therapist, they are all men.

So the conversation had a conspiratorial male character. When people at dinner parties cried out, "What was Spitzer thinking?" I whispered to a friend that I knew damn well what he was thinking: He wanted some "strange," to quote the old Kris Kristofferson line. Or we passed around JPEGS of Spitzer's date, Ashley Dupre, and commented on her luscious body. The governor's plight had the effect of outing me. When I told one married friend about my torment, he cut me off. "Everyone in our situation has had one or two episodes. Straying, wandering eye, a blowup. If you have a pulse."

Huffington Post blogger/psychologist Dr. Belisa Vranich has also pondered this same conundrum:

I talked about this with Neil Cavuto on Fox TV, who sneered at my answer that "it's better to have a truthful relationship, where both people are happy, and that is not monogamous, than one that is supposedly monogamous but is full of lies and guilt." Or a monogamous relationship that is bored and resentful but, gosh darn it, we are the emblem of a successful marriage even if we haven't had sex with each other since World War I.

While I've sat across from couples that are either "healing from infidelity" or negotiating kooky rules like "no kissing on the lips or hook-ups in the same zip code," fact is, thanks to the Internet, there are a lot of "updates" happening related to "swinging." But let's stick with the term "polyamorous," which sounds more romantic and less like a circus act. I finally interrupted one patient to ask where the polyamory bulletin board was in the library. This young, professional Manhattanite scoffed, "Ever go out with a guy and --sure you know you can relate as far as movies, books, three things you can't live without, you play coy for a date or two, then sleep with him, only to find that he doesn't like oral sex (and you do), and he loves anal sex (and you don't)?" She didn't pause for an answer, thankfully.

The answer? Rather than Match.com or Nerve.com, a more 'adult' site asks those questions and cuts out a lot of time consuming dinners and chit chat that might lead to the fact that he insists on full Brazilians, you won't give up your landing strip. "Lets face it," she adds "Patterson's 'bilateral cheating' was actually an open marriage."

Story continues below

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Meanwhile blogger Rachel Kramer Bussel goes ahead and makes the case for open relationships:

I've been in both open and monogamous relationships, and one thing I can safely say is that there are plenty of people in so-called monogamous relationships where there's all kinds of cheating going on. Or, as Betty Dodson told me a few years ago, "America practices serial monogamy with cheating on the side. It's never acknowledged and it's lied about." If you've been cheated on, you know the pain and heartache this can cause, likely fostering distrust that can stay with us in future relationships. Even if there's not cheating, it's likely that one person may be up to something the other wouldn't necessarily approve of (flirting, for instance). Furthermore, when we make monogamy the be-all and end-all in relationships, in some ways we make the letter of the law more important than the spirit. Would you rather your partner make love to you every day, even though their heart's not really in it? Therapist Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic, recently said:

The way I see it is that I meet many couples in my practice who may be sexually faithful and are betraying each other in so many other ways. Neglect, indifference, contempt, lack of respect, stonewalling, disqualifying, devaluing, ridiculing, lying, deceit and so on. There are so many ways that people let each other down, betray each other, tear the trust, demean each other, all the while they are sexually faithful. So why is it that we think sexual betrayal is the mother of them all?

Perel's point, again, emphasizes that sex is not the only important part of a relationship, which should be obvious, but isn't always.

And, finally, this polyamorous guy seems like he's got it all figured it out.

So do most men have an Eliot Spitzer lurking within? Tell us what you think below.

Comments

[MrCoffeeCup]

I owe a debt of thanks to Amanda85, ribspickle, EM0199, cHANGELING,and BadCompany. None of you mentioned the downside of sexual promiscuity, STD's, damaged egos, sense of loss, mentioned the obvious body language of the video clearly showing the Female's sense of rejection. Damaged egos, sense of rejections are all OK! Instead you centered on the religious aspect of my statement concerning these of relationships. So if I understand it clearly, rampant promiscuity IS OK, JUST USE CONDOMS.

Thanks for proving an actual Scriptual Passage. I didn't think I would really find perfect proof but you actually admitted you embrace: Romams Chpt 1 VS:18-32. Incredible! Thank you so much!

[Gingerously]

Bogus. I know so many more women than men who've cheated on their spouses/partners.

[mbaty]

Honesty>monogamy.

[dstanley]

I've got no problem with the people in open relationships, because they usually say "this is my thing, but it's not for everybody." They're cool with someone being different from them. But it gets tiresome to listen to these guys who keep saying that it's natural for men to cheat, meaning any man who doesn't is a hypocrite or an unnatural freak, that other animals aren't monogamous, so neither are humans. If you what to cheat on your wife, fine, go ahead, just stop dragging me and the rest of the animal kingdom into bed with you to justify it.

[leftfieldleftie]

I have been in open and monogamous relationships; I have no preference as long as there is truly open honesty. I remember a show I watched about primates and monogamy, the show concluded that humans (being a primate) were in the middle. So, saying that humans are monogamous and not. Humans as primates are predisposed to staying with the one who is a good provider for the young. This is not the end though. In animals of all species, the female is known to stay with the good provider to raise the offspring, but is also known to mate with the strong, handsome, and vibrant to give her offspring the greatest chance of surviving. With today"s science every sexual encounter is not a precursor for a child, but humans being animals are hardwired with the desire have there offspring strong, healthy and well cared for. Just because society has trained us to be proper, moral, and changed are views of what is required and needed does not mean that we as humans should feel dirty, immoral, of ostracized for following are sexual desires. If the partner you are with is not satisfying you or vice versa, than what the big deal with going elsewhere.

[wedgie]

THIS IS THE SECOND HALF OF MY POST:

Already this morning we feel like a huge source of pressure is off of us. We feel happy and free of the one very stressful issue between us, that is, the sexual frustration in our marriage.

It is not clear to me whether or not, either of us will act on this but we are offering each other a new kind of freedom in our interactions with others. Whether is results in sex, I can not say. But it will result in some fun flirting (both between my wife and I and with others).

I can only say that I am amazed and surprised by how easily we arrived at this decision, and how much it has suddenly and abruptly changed the dynamic of our marriage for the better.

Okay, those who are so inclined can begin pummeling us with critical opinions about how we are wrecking the entire idea of marriage and endangering our child. Go ahead.

**

[wedgie]

Okay. So. Believe this or not.

But I forwarded this article to my wife. (We have been struggling of late.) And it triggered a discussion in which lead to a decision for us to try an open marriage.

I kid you not.

We determined that we want to be partners, to raise our son, to build wealth, to travel and to have fun. We determined that being locked into monogamy is actually causing us to have very little sex with each other. So, in order to insure we are both sexually alive and satisfied, we are allowing outside sexual relations with the following rules:

1) Safe Sex only. BE VERY CAREFUL.
2) We keep our wedding rings on and communicate the following: I love my spouse and I am very happily married but we have decided to let each other have some fun.
3) It's a trial period. At Christmas we will see what we think.
4) Don't ask don't tell. She doesn't want to hear about my encounter, I don't want to hear about her's.
5) This is a private matter and will not be public knowledge among our friends.

**

[larmarch5]

If you cheat make absolutely sure your partner does not find out. Make sure you don't get infected. Most cheaters cheat with multiples so your dealing with exponential factors, not just addition. For those who "love" their partners, but need some "strange," I suspect you're just not very creative at all. If your partner doesn't like sex as often as you do, maybe it's because you're not very attentive to his/her preferences. It's difficult to have sex with someone who is critical of you. Don't underestimate the pleasures of masturbation; get a good book or video if you're not imaginative.

[Lovableloser]

Look, the answer is simple: If you want to sleep around, don't be married! Marraige is not for everyone, but sexual fidelity is crucial to the institution, because maintaining trust is the most vital component to a happy, healthy marraige.

Marraige is like anything else -- you give up some freedoms, but if you're fortunate you get back wonderful benefits in spades.

Again -- if you don't want to be married -- then DON'T GET MARRIED! Noone has a gun to your head.

[AnitaWagner]

Loveable looser, I've been polyamorous for about twelve years now. I'm not married at present, but I am in a three year committed open relationship with my primary partner with whom I cohabitate. We will likely marry before too long because marriage to us represents a higher level of emotional bonding. The higher level of emotional bonding in no way requires that we commit to each other exclusively. No matter who else we also love, we are committed to keeping our relationship happy and healthy first and foremost. We always remember where home is.

You confuse sexual exclusivity with trust. Trust is compromised when a spouse breaks a promise to their spouse, i.e. betrays their spouse's trust. I could perhaps betray my partner's trust by, oh, say charging huge amounts on a credit card we'd agreed to pay off, but I cannot betray his trust by having sex with someone else because we have an agreement that doing so is OK. The trust in our relationship is very strong because we have a deal that we both live by.

I know these concepts can be difficult to understand. I attribute this primarily to the iconization of monogamy and the marinating we all get from monogamy as a societyal standard, to the point that it can be difficult to unwrap those societally based core beliefs and see that there are other equally valid ways of relating.

[GraceFoster]

Yes, our both our preshistoric ancestors had lots of sex without committment. But we are no longer our prehistoric ancestors. We are a separate level on the evolutionary chart. Scientists agree that humans who are infinitely more complex than any animal evolved into monogamous creature. I believe that people can be happily monogamous. I think the problem is that most people do not marry for love or marry their soulmate if you will. I think people have a hard time reconciling this and project these feelings onto purely physical desires. The problem is not that society expects monogamy. It's that society falsely believes that marriage is the most important thing people can do. You don't have a relationship if their is more than two people in it. Sex is always connected to some feelings (even negative feelings), even if you dont' know the other person and you don't see them again. If you want to sleep with other people, end your relationship. People know if they have a sex drive that prevents them from having long term relationships. You are cheating yourself if you can't be honest about that and are weak emotional and selfish if you feel you still have the right to be in a relationship.

[JennMostrom]

I disagree that "the problem is that most people do not marry for love or marry their soulmate." Although that's certainly a problem for some, I think a big problem is that too many people marry for love and mistakenly believe that a good sex life will automatically follow, "because this person is my soulmate."

Good sex takes work: open and honest communication, accomodation of needs and desires that change over time, attention and creativity, and dedication to maintaining that sexual connection. Too many people are unwilling to put in that effort, or, worse, don't realize they need to put in that effort. They stray from their marriages to find what's missing without recognizing that their current relationship could fulfill their needs if they just applied themselves.

And, let's face it, some people are simply incapable of or don't want monogamy, but I don't think that requires abstaining from relationships as long as they're open and honest with their partner(s).

Moreover, people marry for many different reasons, including companionship, tax benefits, insurance purposes, political partnership -- these reasons may not be very romantic, but not everyone is looking for romance.

[BlackWidowPilot]

Ms. Foster,

I couldn't agree with you more, and the eloquent way in which you present the matter. Without personal emotional and intellectual honesty, one cannot expect a committed monogamous relationship to succeed. Any lasting relationship must be founded upon genuine love and mutual trust, or it will fail, and all of the marriage vows in the universe will not avert the inevitable disaster that will follow for all involved, *especially* any children.

As a man, the question for me has always been very simple and straightforward; am I the sum of my biological ancestry and genetically-triggered drives, or am I a *man,* a creature with *reason* and *free will* capable of making decisions that override my biological imperatives to merely *REPRODUCE!* and have a real, lasting, and *loving* relationship with my partner?

Any fool can run around and have multiple partners and leave a trail of broken hearts and betrayal, to say nothing of children(!!!) left to suffer the emotional fallout of the irresponsible behavior and deceptions of their fathers. IMHO such are not *men* in any real, substantive sense, but mere fools ruled by their libidos and their egos, rather than their hearts and reason.

Leland R. Erickson

Citizen

[newunderground]

My problem, I have a penis. Sorry lady, men don't think that way. Don't think much at all.

[Futureosophy]

I think that the situation is not exclusively a male problem or issue at all. You might want to check out
The New Prostitution @ www.futureosophy.com

[superba]

The sad fact is that when you really fall in love, you cannot bear to share your partner with anyone else, or have that person denied to you in any way, and it is excruciating when he or she strays. This is the problem, not the naturally non-monogamous nature of male sexuality. Even among men, I have seen these big proponents of 'polyamorous' (bah! for which read, 'sleeping around indiscriminately') who will then go and fall in love themselves, and suddenly they cannot stand to share and have altered all their former views.

How come nobody talks about this aspect of the matter? It is the crucial part.

[AmericanHeathen]

Superba,

Are you suggesting that my wife and I, and others like us are not truly in love? That would be a very weak statement, if indeed that is your suggestion. Love does not have a definition. I LOVE chocolate. I LOVE my wife. Are those the same? No. Love is a CONCEPT of which the only definition is one that is SHARED and UNDERSTOOD between two people. To claim that one must "really fall in love" to have a good relationship is scary. What is "really fall in love"? What is your measure for the "really"?

Men and women are subject to fear. Both, unfortunately, demand possession out of fear. Men have traditionally considered themselves the dominant figure in a relationship. And possession is a way of controlling that fear. Women use the same techniques as each sex battles for dominance over the other. It is this mentality which destroys the ability to embrace reality and change. How many times have we heard from men, "She wouldn't make it without me", or from women ,"I have him well trained"? Relationships between men and women cannot be static. This dominance mentality is what fuels a 50%+ divorce rate IMHO. Each party trying to possess the other and sex is the chosen offender. The reality is that regardless of "love" supposedly shared between the two, the cold hard facts play out a tragic story of dominance, possession and control, culminating in suspicion, angst, fear, and hatred.

[AmericanHeathen]

Monogamy? Which one? Sexual or emotional? Ive been married 26 years. No children, and my wife is an electrical engineer. Up until 12 years ago, we both worked. I'm now a house husband. My wife works out of town, has an apartment and we see each other once every two weeks. I maintain 10 acres, a 3900 square foot house, three dogs and one cat. My job is to make absolutely sure my wife comes home to the perfect palace. I take pride in that. The physical distance between us does not lend itself well to sexual monogamy. We understand that. And, we are more than willing to accept that fact. We don't seek out sexual relations with others, but should the opportunity present itself, we are open to exploration.

Sex is a tiny, tiny part of a marriage, no matter how many times a couple does or does not engage in it. There is MUCH more to a relationship than that. My wife and I have established something special that transcends the fiendish art of sexual possession and jealousy. Our relationship isn't built on a bodily function. We WANT each other. We don't NEED each other. We CHOOSE to spend the rest of our lives together, built on a solid foundation of trust and honesty . We are emotionally monogamous.
We are sexually pragmatic.

[recless]

So, huffpo had the article about the secret lives of women who cheat, now the article for men who cheat. Anyone wanna bet the next article is about which is worse/more damaging? Is it worse if a man cheats than it is if a woman cheats?

[pattio66]

People are people, and what consenting adult people in any combination or number do behind closed doors, whether married or not, is nobody's business but their own. And nobody knows what goes on in a marriage except the two people in it. If we could all keep our noses out of others' business, we'd all be able to focus more on what's really important.

[marathonman]

How true! One of the great challenges in our culture is to be truly and totally honest with the world. including or expecially with your significant other, about your sexual desires and needs over the course of a long-term relationship.

It is easy to say what you desire in an anonymous post, like all the ones here. It is quite another thing to confront a spouse with honest information that may be hurtful to them and has the potential to break up a family or do lasting damage to a relationship. As a simple question in this regard: what do you do when you have known your spouse for 25 years and you are no longer sexually attracted to them, but have two school age children and no interest in a divorce? I suspect there are a very large number of long-term marriages that fall into this catagory, not including the 50% of marriages that end in divorce. It is an elephant in the room in modern day American marriage. But to speak the truth is to invite ridicule and spite and condemnation. You are expected to "be happy" or at least act happy and suffer in silence. Perhaps more open and honest dialogue like this will open up a broader discussion about the boundaries of love and marriage and relationships in America. But I wouldn't hold my breath...