Arranged Marriage: What It Can Teach Us

Reva Seth, author of First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice From The Wisdom of Arranged Marriages wrote a piece for Tango on the divisive issue. Point number one:

1. Stop Drifting! Decide What You Want From Dating.

We research colleges, plan our careers and even comparison-shop for groceries, but most of us are still incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of objectively thinking about what we want from our boyfriends or partners.

Instead, we just drift into relationships with the men that we happen to meet and be attracted to. Arranged marriages are specifically designed to prevent this type of infatuation or short-term thinking.

Before any potential candidates are considered, families decide the values and characteristics that potential partners should have to see what type of life the couple might have together.

Making a list of what you are really looking for in a relationship and partner will change the way you date! It will help you recognize the right men for you, figure out where best to meet them - and what you need to do to interest them.

Deciding to have a relationship with someone is a big decision - isn't it time we started to treat it like one?

Keep reading.

Or read "Matchmaking Vs. Arranged Marriage: What's The Difference?"

Comments

[loki]

I think once again it comes down to Americans thinking their way is always the Right way, and the Only way. If you dress , think, marry, even go to the bathroom differently that we do, then many Americans think it is wrong. Most Americans live in a bubble and have no clue what the rest of the world is like, except for what they are told in school books and on tv by people who push their opinions only.

[Huffyfan]

I married after falling in love with husband but my eldest son has surprised me by saying he wont mind an arranged marriage and he says he trusts us . he was not joking . son is quite good looking nd just graduated from Uni .

[Boobaloo]

what are you advertising for a wife for him on huffpo?

[GemNY]

My husband and I married for love. My in-laws were an arranged marriage. I see no difference. There is commitment and deep abiding love in both relationships. Instead of seeing it in a state of "right" or "wrong"...­. how about honoring what works.

[Cathexis]

Judging from many of the comments, I have to assume that a lot of people didn't read more than teh headline or so before posting their indignation. they seem to have missed this paragraph:

"My book does not defend arranged marriages or suggest having one (I didn’t!). "

The author identifies perceptions and actions that too many of us don't think to get, in our usual unarranged relations. The point being, I believe, that taking these benefits into our unarranged relationship situations may improve them even more.

[SunlakeDude]

As I've grown older I've come to realize that infatuation rarely lasts and people who marry because of that "feeling" are most likely headed for divorce. I have lots of friends and aquiantances who go from one "romance" to another, suffering after each break up. While I do not agree with parants arranging marriage for their children, introducing a little common sense into the equation of dating and marriage or partnering wouldn't hurt.

[Boobaloo]

You said it.

[Trueheart]

I think it's really funny that we "celebrate multiculturalism" in this country, and yet are opposed to people wanting to follow their tradition and custom if it seems to go against the mainstream values. It seems we are celebrating differences in the abstract, and being intolerant of specifics. Are we a free society or aren't we?

[arvay]

It's not intolerant to believe that arranged marriages are a bad idea. There's no law against them, however. There are some traditions, such as female circumcision, polygamy and honor killings that are and should be illegal here.

We need to differentiate between tolerance and acceptance.

Women in the US who wear headscarves are perfectly entitled to that option, and it would be intolerant to try to restrict their freedom to dress as they wish. However, if a group of people try to impose their standard of "modesty" on American culture, we shouldn't accept that.

Basically, outside of obviously brutal traditions involving mutilation, slavery and other excesses, we all need to respect each other, even if we think each others' traditions are bad, or dumb, backward, or immoral. Having those views isn't intolerant, as long as we treat each other with respect. I suspect all of us have believed something really dumb at one time or another, so a little humility goes a long way.

That way we get to keep pluralism as well as free speech.

[Preya]

I whole-heartedly disagree. My father is from India, and if he had had an arranged marriage like his parents had wanted, he would never have met a crazy white lady--my mother--who was 11 years older than him, fallen in love, and founded (with her) a humanitarian organization that saved countless lives over a 30-year period. They ended up getting divorced after 12 years, but it was WORTH it, for both of them because they had a passionate, fascinating, meaningful relationship while it lasted. And they are still work partners and good friends. I would choose that any day over some bland, secure, planned out marriage. Greater risk = greater reward. I'd love to meet someone I can grow old with, but not at the expense of passion and adventure. And that is precisely what's lacking from the marriages I see around me (on the Indian side of my family). You can't manufacture love or passion.

[Boobaloo]

You're opinion is so boringly, predictably AMERICAN.

these lame platitudes is why we have more mutliple marriages and divorces in this country then anywhere in the world:

Greater risk = greater reward
passion and adventure
You can't manufacture love or passion

===

this is the way adolescents think ... you need to grow up because marriage is not dating and what you want to do is date which is fine but,spare me your inane ramblings about passion and adventure and nothing ventured nothing gained ... you've watched too many movies.

Re-read your comment: " they had a passionate, fascinating, meaningful relationship while it lasted" .... you're not exactly an insightful person.

You sound like one of those new age nutjobs holding off hysteria with crystals and chants.

[thenativeamerican]

i would be tickled pink if my parents could arrange my dates. i'd end up doing so much better. though i wonder if my parents would raise a daughter who thought so if they didn't fall in love independently from their parents and homes...

my mom always said "doug funny is approved", cartoon characters seem to exist in a less-then-stellar way in reality...­.

[mlaiuppa]

And who does the arranging?

My parents don't understand me to this day. I'm 52 and they're still clueless as to my political views, values and tastes. My mother can't buy me a sweater or a piece of jewelry. They are pretty clueless.

If I can't rely on them to pick out a couch for my house, how could I rely on them to choose a husband. They would choose someone for THEM, not for ME.

Unless you really *know* the two parties involved, this is doomed to failure. And how do you find out? You can't go by what the parents will tell you about their kids. It will be hyper positive, hyper negative or just plain clueless.

[lcats]

As a twice-married male, the first terrible, the second wonderful for over 20 years (and together 27 years), it pays to know what you are getting into. It was only in the context of the end of the first marriage and the first few years of my second relationship that I really began to understand myself and what I needed in a life partner.

Could my parents have chosen for me at the beginning? Would they have known from their own experience what their son needed, even when he did not? Possibly so. But I am a psychiatrist, and the staple of my practice is people with destructive, dysfunctional families. I doubt that the parents of my patients would have chosen well for their children.

I have had as friends several Indian couples. One couple, Indian muslims, had a spectacularly disastrous arranged marriage, with kidnapping of the children, jailing of the husband and all this in the national newspapers 15 years ago.

There is no recipe for a good marriage, except banal generalities. It is like forecasting the weather -- you know it will be warm in summer and cold in winter, but the devil is in the details.

[Manni]

The arranged marriage should really be called "Arranged Introduction"

Thats how many are married in India today. With some exceptions, most are introduced and the couple agrees to get married. Some times, they even court each other for a year or so.

[BadCompany]

It can teach us that some people are completely out of their minds.

[Manni]

It teaches...­.people should learn more about these things before speaking..­.

[BadCompany]

No, it doesn't teach that at all.
Goes to show what you know.
You presume WAY too much.

[southafrica4obama]

An arranged marriage is discriminatory and uncivilised

[axt113]

Do you even know what a modern arranged marriage is like? its very civilized

[Boobaloo]

The majority of the worlds marriages are arranged ... get over yourself.

What the hell is so civilized about having sex with dozens of people and then marrying and divorcing multiple times and having children with different parentage?

It's not for me but, to claim its discriminatory and uncivilized is obnoxious.

[bac]

There is no perfect answer. Arrangement marriages definitely tend to be very stable mainly because of a very high commitment to it. It still requires a lot of adjustment and work, but over the years things smoothen out and the couple is generally happy. But what it does lack is the heightened intensity, romance and passion associated with the traditional courtship love marriage. Arranged marriages do not have those highs and are more even keeled. Most do not care, but a few do miss that. So, no perfect answers!

[Roses]

I know we don't have arranged marriages in the U.S. but the advice from mothers and maternal relatives has always been so important. I asked my mother and my mother asked her mother. Now I advised my daughters. I don't know if this tradition is still going on. One of my daughters is happily married and the other is in a long-time relationship (she doesn't want to be married yet).

In my life, I have been very lucky. I have been married for over 30 years to my lover and we are still in love.
When my daughters were of marriage age (not teenage and when managing a house/finances on their own), I told them both how important having a mental "list" of attributes is when considering marriage. My daughters both asked me my opinion when considering different boys, (my mother told me the same things)
-watch how he treats his mother or other important women in his life.
-watch how his parents treat each other or others important to them.
-watch others with happy, long marraiges
-don't have kids right away, give yourself time to get to know your husband
-does he treat you with honor and repect....­.this is different from romance

In the end, women have the ability to make up their minds, but it is important for all women to make sure they know how to evaluate. Parents don't have to have the final say but they should be part of the process.