The Pitfalls Of Perfectionism

You could say that perfectionism is a crime against humanity. Adaptability is the characteristic that enables the species to survive--and if there's one thing perfectionism does, it rigidifies behavior. It constricts people just when the fast-moving world requires more flexibility and comfort with ambiguity than ever. It turns people into success slaves.

Perfectionists, experts now know, are made and not born, commonly at an early age. They also know that perfectionism is increasing. One reason: Pressure on children to achieve is rampant, because parents now seek much of their status from the performance of their kids. And, by itself, pressure to achieve is perceived by kids as criticism for mistakes; criticism turns out to be implicit in it. Perfectionism, too, is a form of parental control, and parental control of offspring is greater than ever in the new economy and global marketplace, realities that are deeply unsettling to today's adults.

"I don't understand it," one bewildered student told me, speaking for the five others seated around the table during lunch at a small residential college in the Northeast. "My parents were perfectly happy to get Bs and Cs when they were in college. But they expect me to get As." The others nodded in agreement. Today's hothouse parents are not only over-involved in their children's lives, they demand perfection from them in school.

And if ever there was a blueprint for breeding psychological distress, that's it. Perfectionism seeps into the psyche and creates a pervasive personality style. It keeps people from engaging in challenging experiences; they don't get to discover what they truly like or to create their own identities. Perfectionism reduces playfulness and the assimilation of knowledge; if you're always focused on your own performance and on defending yourself, you can't focus on learning a task. Here's the cosmic thigh-slapper: Because it lowers the ability to take risks, perfectionism reduces creativity and innovation--exactly what's not adaptive in the global marketplace.

Yet, it does more. It is a steady source of negative emotions; rather than reaching toward something positive, those in its grip are focused on the very thing they most want to avoid--negative evaluation. Perfectionism, then, is an endless report card; it keeps people completely self-absorbed, engaged in perpetual self-evaluation--reaping relentless frustration and doomed to anxiety and depression.

Keep reading.

Comments

[gallonjug]

I think you're wrong.

from what I've been seeing in the news, millions of teen girls are being taught by Sex Ed teachers how to impregnate themselves with homeless sperm.

and millions of teen boys are being brainwashed by video games and hollywood about how to attack their classmates.

this is a crisis. We must take action! we must eliminate birth control education immediately, and we must act swiftly to make more handguns available to students and teachers who need to protect themselves.

[gallonjug]

Sadly, I fear that perfectionism is not the main problem facing America's education system at the moment.

[Clem2]

My girlfriend expects nothing from her kids and that's what she is getting.

Both are mid twenties or so and live at home, don't work, not going to school She is happy to keep supporting them. They can do no wrong. She says she will give them money or start a business for them.

This is the generation where EVERYTHING is given and nothing expected, from what I see.

[emerywood]

You are so right. When the kids were young, I bet you they were given lessons on anything and everything that were available at school and outside and these kids would just go through the motion aimlessly, and learned nothing. Pretty soon, they would just completely gave up on learning while the parents assumed they had done their job. The result is when the kids are grown ups, they know nothing and can't even care for themselves.
The problem is with the parents. They have no idea of what they are doing to their kids.
All parents should take a course on how to raise kids.

[LitDr2B]

This is what helicopter parenting and two decades of the self esteem movement gets us.

I live in an affluent area where this philosophy runs rampant. It's unacceptable for these kids to get anything below an A, and to have unscheduled time. The majority of them are shuttled from organized activity to organized activity after school--on some days, to more than one. After volunteering in my child's classroom, I suspect parents are going beyond "helping" their children with assignments--just so they can have show their kids get high grades.

The kids here are puffed up and praised much of the time with little justification; it is no longer keyed to genuine effort and true accomplishment. In soccer, everyone receives a trophy, simply for showing up.

After years of this type of treatment, they enter my Freshman Writing class at UC, unable to write cohesive, clear prose. But many of them supposedly passed AP English and find it insulting to put forth effort to complete assignments at an acceptable level.

This so-called perfectionism leads to an inflated sense of self-worth, a skewed idea of one's abilities and talents, and a sense of entitlement that makes these kids feel like they should automatically get A's without putting in any appreciable work.

[kikomnipotent]

I had a good friend some years back who suffered from this, especially when she was off meds for a couple of days. Actually (not kidding), her best friend and I often referred to her as the character (cannot remember name now) Reese Witherspoon played in "Election". She hated it, but deep down could not understand why anyone would settle for less in themselves. She was very stressed.

[mcyina]

I relate so well to this article. I grew up in a Country where perfection is demanded from parents as well as teachers. I was the student who will freeze during test and even forget to spell her own name. I use to be able to correct the mistakes on my test without opening the book. I hated or reading out loud at school for fear of making a mistake. Now I am kind of re-learning how to relax.

[wmbear]

PERFECTION ALSO...

Keeps you from admitting your mistakes. Who do we know who is a famous non-admitter of mistakes? (No, not Hillary, the OTHER guy!) You can a perfectly good country and trash it in just eight short years with this attitude. Not that Bush is any kind of perfectionist. (Who knows what he is?) But his mother certainly was. The inability to admit mistakes rubbed off on him, that's for sure....

[Rendon76]

The sooner you find out that you're a t-urd, the better you and everyone else will be. -Kenny Shopsin from "I Like Kiling Flies".

[wmbear]

IN MY EXPERIENCE...

Many people (especially in corporate America where I work) positively ENJOY being @ssholes (aka t-urds). I mean they really get off of this whole routine. So discovering that that's what they are is really just a major step on their road to self-realization....

[BeSpoke]

NEXT WEEK: "SPARE THE ROD, SPOIL THE CHILD"-- WHY 'TIME-OUTS' ARE HARMFUL FOR SOCIETY.

[munkii]

guilty!

[Blutus]

I remember my brother asking his 3 year old son who
pitched fits at bedtime finally asking him when he wanted
to go to bed.

At that point I knew we were doomed.
It's not perfectionists.

It's spoiled brats.

[wolfgangmo]

It's both. At the root of both spoiled and perfectionistic behavior is a need to control their environment.

The tragedy is that the environment is not controllable. Chaos is the normal human condition.

[brooklyncitizen]

Whose kids are these? yuppies'? the affluent? the vanishing middle class? If kids were under so much pressure why are they so off track? pregnancy pacts, guns fights in school, drugs, video games, and a general apathy that really is irksome (mall and shopping only interests).

Personally speaking perfectionism seemed to be too narrowly defined; overachieving is a GOOD thing if one is motivated.As a kid (not first generation) of immigrant family I completely got this part:

"Ironically, it could be that children of working-class immigrants to the U.S."one of five children in 2006"are really in the most privileged position. With parents who speak little English and lack the know-how to manipulate the system on their behalf, they have no one to run interference for them, no one to clean up a mess in their wake. They are forced to learn to bring in their homework and handle life on their own."

THe homework part was easy; it was translating for adults: writing letters for immigration documents at age 12 for other relatives and translating for my Mom when I was rushed to hospital as a child suffering from asthma attacks. Talk about building resiliency.

Kids/people are like plants- they adapt to their circumstances and some thrive but some do not under the same circumstances. Overachieving is not a bad value, as long as it doesn't define you. We wouldn't have Cezanne, or Matisse or Michelangelo without this stretching beyond one's capabilities.

[Blutus]

Have you thought of writing a book?

I think you have a great story to tell.

[NigelEastman]

Come on. Do you really think that millions of teenagers are in their covens signing pregnancy pacts before shooting other teenagers? Today's teenagers are just as lousy as yesterday's teenagers. Some of them are going to do stupid stuff, and some of them are going to do remarkable stuff. As for Michelangelo, Cezanne, or Matisse? I'm not worried that any generation will fail to produce its own geniuses. Michelangelo, Cezanne, and Matisse are, in the best possible way, freaks. To be honest, I'd rather my son not turn into Cezanne or Matisse. I'd rather he live happily and do what he does without suffering the burden of genius. Cezanne was miserable.

As for translating for my parents and my uncles? Yeah, that was tough. (I was twelve, too!) And that's done. They're retired now. They're not wealthy so I help them out the best I can and they live with me. That's what happens. It's not a disaster, it's life.

[walsenberg]

thank you for posting such a common sense realistic view of life. wish more people shared your common sense.

[brooklyncitizen]

No one is saying it is a disaster....but I disagree that the kids are "the same".
(Cezanne and Matisse are freaks?this is a pretty ignorant statement....and entirely misses the point).

Too many friends of mine teach these kids whether at public school or college...one friend has shared how the dean has intervened on behalf of a student's low grade because the parent was not satisfied...the logic is that college is so expensive so they are literally paying for the grades...

Iif you think the frenetic pace imposed on kids by all the technology they are inundated with doesn't impact their learning then you are mistaken. There is a distinct lack of focus...no not every kid and it isn't that they are "bad" they just simply are unmotivated at best ....certainly not suffering from perfectionism.

The dumbing down of America is pervasive....and maybe it's not just the kids.

[twofish]

Unfortunately, while we sometimes treat little kids as if they were hothouse plants -- small class size, individual attention for special problems like dyslexia -- we herd them into education factories about the time their hormones kick in: middle school. Then when the hormones are really pumping and they already know everything, we move them into even bigger aggregations: high school. Head ' em up, move 'em out. And Mom and Dad still expect perfection, which is another way of saying: disappear, don't cause me any problems, for God's sake don't expect actual attention.

It's a wonder more of their heads don't explode.

By the way, I am very admiring of 2nd generation immigrants -- the kids born here or brought at a very early age by parents who grew up in another country. Being bilingual by necessity, I think they are brighter and more adaptable than average. But of course the stress is also higher. (I'm talking about my parents' generation, not mine).

[awcbuddy8]

The "just try your best" generation will destroy America.

[NoMoFearNoMoHate]

No, the "I am the best" generation is already well on its way to accomplishing that feat.

[amamomofsons]

I'm here to tell you that there is no perfect child. Thankfully !!!! Parents who try to push their kids to be THE best instead of just trying to help them reach THEIR fullest potential do their children a terrible disservice. Each child has a different potential to reach. Some of my children seem to always look forward to the next goal that they set for themselves and some are satisfied with any and all accomplishments they complete. I think sometimes the child who tries to be perfect is simply doing what his nature dictates. AZAcct...I loved your comment.

[AZAcct]

Awesome...an article on the Pitfalls of Perfectionism...located right under a headline of: How To Trick Your Body Into Eating Less...located next to an article on a supermodel committing suicide...