Why Having Kids Might Not Make You Happy

According to this week's Newsweek article, having kids might not be all it's cracked up to be.

The most recent comprehensive study on the emotional state of those with kids shows us that the term "bundle of joy" may not be the most accurate way to describe our offspring. "Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers," says Florida State University's Robin Simon, a sociology professor who's conducted several recent parenting studies, the most thorough of which came out in 2005 and looked at data gathered from 13,000 Americans by the National Survey of Families and Households. "In fact, no group of parents--married, single, step or even empty nest--reported significantly greater emotional well-being than people who never had children. It's such a counterintuitive finding because we have these cultural beliefs that children are the key to happiness and a healthy life, and they're not."

And while this is the most recent study, it's certainly not the only one.

In Daniel Gilbert's 2006 book "Stumbling on Happiness," the Harvard professor of psychology looks at several studies and concludes that marital satisfaction decreases dramatically after the birth of the first child--and increases only when the last child has left home. He also ascertains that parents are happier grocery shopping and even sleeping than spending time with their kids. Other data cited by 2008's "Gross National Happiness" author, Arthur C. Brooks, finds that parents are about 7 percentage points less likely to report being happy than the childless.

Read the rest.

What do you think? Is the study spot on? Or is it missing one of the more crucial facets of parenting - the amount of love you can give to and receive from a child? Or what about the sense of purpose and meaning a parent can get from raising a child? And on the other hand - perhaps this study is only stating the obvious: that children are far from perfect; they're expensive, time-consuming, and stressful.

Comments

[Agentlady007]

There are times when I am angry my child is bored and gets angry back when I say " that's too bad". I don't depend on anyone for my happiness, I never have and never will, nor do I think anywone should wait around for me to make them happy. No one can complete another person in my opinion, and no one needs some one to tell them they are so sad because they are waiting for someone else to complete them. What an insult.

[swift goat pet for truth]

I am a man who became a parent for the first time at 50. Before that I travelled the world. Since my daughter was born, I don't do that very much. And I miss it.

Having said that, my daughter and wife bring me a joy I never had before. And learning and wisdom.
The experiences are totally different. I have to think I got to a place in my life when I was ready to assume the responsibility of raising a human being in this modern world. She is 8 years old, so the journey has just started. But I cannot imagine anything more rewarding than being her Dad.

Maybe its about maturity. I know I would not be enjoying this with the outlook I had in my 20's, 30's, or even 40's. Or the economic security.

Maybe its not about happy. Maybe its about how one defines happy.

To the respondents to the surveys, I'm so sorry for you. But that is not my experience.

[loril]

I became a first time mom in my late 30s. In my case, I needed to wait. It took awhile for me to get into a stable enough financial situation (and these days, who knows?). But, it also gave me plenty of years to focus on myself, pursue friendships and hobbies, work without conflict, travel a little, etc.

Parenting can be an endurance contest. But, this does not have to be negative. Training for a marathon is also a test of endurance and persistence, but many who accomplish their goal feel a renewed sense of pride and joy after the fact.

Just because something is not "easy' does not make it bad.

At the end of many exhausting days, I look at my daughter, finally tucked into her bed and asleep in that deep, "out cold" child-like way. And I feel love and pride. Almost every day she has learned something. Almost every day she has asked me something that has made me think. Almost every day she has shown her sense of humor. She has given me a big hug or kiss. (ok, she is only 3...this will end)

In my case, parenting has given my life great meaning. People who do not feel this way, however, also have a very valid stance. If you are looking for instant happiness by having a child, you are in for a rude awakening. It is a lifelong relationship fraught with the usual complications. Enter with your eyes open.

[wagadog]

The divorce rate is about 50% -- therefore having kids you've got a 50-50 chance of winding up a single parent. And look at the rates of pregnancy discrimination -- illegal firings of pregnant women. And look at the difference in what women with children make vs. childless women.

So, the likely scenario from having kids is to raise them in grinding poverty with no chance of sending them to college, and nothing saved up for retirement.

GREAT.

[Kantinflas]

I work with children every day. Most, like their parents, aren't too smart or too creative or too empathetic or too sense-of-humored. Most, like their parents, are me-centered, materialistic, mediocrities. Most, despite their parents' delusional convictions to the contrary, don't make the world a better place. They just overcrowd it. And, once old enough to vote, twice cast ballots for misery-making extensions of themselves like Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, and George Bush. This is the truth. And ever it will be as long as it's easier to have children than to log a comment on the Huffington Pest.

[fzriely]

Holy crap! You work with kids?! How's the job satisfaction?! Maybe a new job, like puppy strangling, might be more your style.

[Furby]

bears repeating

[Kantinflas]

My point is that children are people, not cutesified Smurfs or Disney characters. They live in the real world, not Sesame Street. Some grow up to be Mother Teresa. Some grow up to be Stalin. Most end up somewhere in the middle, by definition, average. All the soft-headed adult romanticizing and sentimentalizing of childhood doesn't change that fact. If it could, adults who used to be children themselves and profess their love for children ad nausem wouldn't be tolerating policies which push millions of children farther and father from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood into the prison of poverty and its dungeons of anguish and violence. Kids in that situation don't need a gratutious pat on the head or a phony platitude about the joys of youth. They need a stable home and a hot meal. Too bad the head-patters and the platitude-purveyors weren't raised as children to care more about that than preserving their fairy tale belief systems into adulthood. Too bad that most adults in this society simply become what they were as children, only more so, self-absorbed and acquisitive and prone to tantrum when reality bursts the bubble of their American dreamworld. And while there's plenty of room in that dreamworld for the rhetoric of caring about children, there's precious little space for acting, for doing anything personally to help those kids who need help the most. Too bad that most parents raise their children to be just like themselves.

[fzriely]

Holy cow! You work with kids?! How's your job satisfaction? Maybe you should try an alternative career, like puppy strangling.

[jsim92480]

First of all, children are expensive. My daughter gives me so much joy, shows me so much about life and happiness. but because of the cost of daycare, diapers, etc etc.. I'm barely making it with my husband in this state of the economy. I play with my daughter, instead of stick her in front of a television when I get sick of her. I take great joy in her steps (learning to talk, read, walk, etc). I am happier since I had my daughter than ever before. I have mellowed and my life has focused. So I disagree.

[Furby]

My grandma who was a mother of 9, said to my older sister during a hospital visit that much as she loved her children, if she had had the choices that young women have today, she would not have had children and would have traveled the world instead. That's one of the very rare times I heard a parent express anything but unaldulterated joy at having kids, but she had no reason to lie to us and I believe her.

[MoMan]

"my husband and I are either
going to have kids
or just get some cats..
we can't decide whether to
ruin our rugs or ruin our lives.."
-Rita Rudner

[Dave24]

I want to live my life: not raise one.

[OnTheCusp]

Years ago on an Oprah show, a lady said, (and I'll never forget this) "What they don't tell you is that raising kids sucks 80% of the time." The degree to which she just about lost her life from uttering so "hateful" a sentence made me think she was saying something verrrrry close to the truth. I've often thought:
Some people
are better cut out to be
Mothers
than others.
There is no "should"
Same thing goes for fatherhood.

[MelKnee]

One of my main parenting rules is if I am not enjoying being a parent at least 50% of the time, something needs to change. Something(someone) needs time and attention that it(they) are not getting.

[cinemaven]

What they should have told that woman was that she shouldn't have had children because she obviously isn't mommy material. I agree with you that she was telling the truth but it was only her truth... I shudder to think what her children's truth is... we'll likely be seeing them on Dr. Phil.

I have a 21 yr. old and a 15 yr. old and I can count on one hand the number of times being a mom has sucked and all of those times had to do with one or the other of my boys having a serious illness. My guys are such a joy. Both are funny and sweet and happy and loving and both of them have made us proud. Neither has ever been in any kind of trouble and my oldest son (who's a standup comedian) has complained that having two parents who adore him and each other really puts a crimp in his act.

I think it's a shame that you don't know if you're a parent until you are a parent. For me, it was beyond easy and my hubby turned out to be an amazing dad. We hoped that would be the case and we both had planned to work to make it the case... but it wasn't really that much work :)

[LINY516]

From reading the comments, one thing is clear - everyone is different. Some should have children and some shouldn't have children. I don't have abt, but I know plenty of people who are born to be parents.

If everyone tries to look within and determine if they have the personality to sacrifice and care for another human being, the right choice will be made.

[iluvsam]

I love my son more than life itself, and my life is now complete that he's in it, but I will admit that parenting is hard. Kids aren't necessarily hard to take care of --feeding, clothing, etc. But PARENTING is hard. It's having to constantly reprimand, having to always be in "teacher mode", having to answer the same questions over and over and over again, its having to tell them to clean their rooms 15 times before they do it, etc. It's trying on the nerves with little or no break. That is where I think the unhappiness comes in. It's frustration on a daily basis.

[gonavy]

My children have taught me so much about life, good and bad. I have come to realize that it does not matter how tired or frustrated or hungry for life I am, it is all about them. I understand when people say a parent needs to take time for themselves, that little bit of time could mean the difference between an understanding hug and homicide.

I hold on to the hope that when I am out of the trenches of day to day parenting, I will look back and be happy and proud.

[TerroristManGonnaGetYa]

Early in parenting , I discovered someone for whom I would eagerly sacrifice my life to save his, my son. That feeling liberated my from a potentially egcentric life. I think an active parent learns humility and naturally becomes a more gentle person.

[cinemaven]

I have kids and I'm happy but I'm not happy because I have kids.

For me, my 2 sons have added a bounty to my life and parenting has been a positive and wonderful experience but my kids are at a point in their life where they're flying off (one has left the nest) and if I counted on them for my own happiness, I'd be pretty miserable when they're gone.

It's a stupid comparison whether people with or without children are happier since you will either be happy or not. Happiness is one of those things that is within all our grasps but there are some people who revel in unhappiness and those people are always looking for someone to blame.

Many of my happiest moments have to do with my kids but I have always had a rich life away from them as well. I'm a volunteer, writer, politicaI activist and I have great friends and family. My marriage has a duality to it, we're parents but we're also friends and partners which will exist long after our boys have left home.

People can have wonderfully happy and fulfilling lives with or without kids so long as they are living their lives for themselves. I'm an amazing mother (my kids told me so...) mainly because I've always taken care of the "me" part of my life. Given a "do-over", knowing what I know... I'd definitely have kids, in fact, I might have had a few more.

[Retrofuturistic]

It would be interesting if women told the truth about how they really feel about parenting.

[cinemaven]

I'm a woman... I love parenting.
My husband loves parenting.

What is your truth? It's interesting that you only think women should tell "the truth" about how they feel about parenting.

[gonavy]

You seem to have achieved a great balance in your life. Is it safe to say you did not have your kids before your career?

I think women should be very honest with their own children and tell them just how important it is not to have children before they get their education and achieve some of their goals. Get to know who you are first.

I have four children and while I wouldn't change a thing about them, I wish I had achieved more for myself before I had them. I have less to give them, I wish I had know better.

[MoMan]

kids ruin everything....

[funkmeisterD]

Kids don't ruin everything!

Quit your mo-mo'in !

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