Why Having Kids Might Not Make You Happy

According to this week's Newsweek article, having kids might not be all it's cracked up to be.

The most recent comprehensive study on the emotional state of those with kids shows us that the term "bundle of joy" may not be the most accurate way to describe our offspring. "Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers," says Florida State University's Robin Simon, a sociology professor who's conducted several recent parenting studies, the most thorough of which came out in 2005 and looked at data gathered from 13,000 Americans by the National Survey of Families and Households. "In fact, no group of parents--married, single, step or even empty nest--reported significantly greater emotional well-being than people who never had children. It's such a counterintuitive finding because we have these cultural beliefs that children are the key to happiness and a healthy life, and they're not."

And while this is the most recent study, it's certainly not the only one.

In Daniel Gilbert's 2006 book "Stumbling on Happiness," the Harvard professor of psychology looks at several studies and concludes that marital satisfaction decreases dramatically after the birth of the first child--and increases only when the last child has left home. He also ascertains that parents are happier grocery shopping and even sleeping than spending time with their kids. Other data cited by 2008's "Gross National Happiness" author, Arthur C. Brooks, finds that parents are about 7 percentage points less likely to report being happy than the childless.

Read the rest.

What do you think? Is the study spot on? Or is it missing one of the more crucial facets of parenting - the amount of love you can give to and receive from a child? Or what about the sense of purpose and meaning a parent can get from raising a child? And on the other hand - perhaps this study is only stating the obvious: that children are far from perfect; they're expensive, time-consuming, and stressful.

Comments

[shaunmarie]

I think this article says more about taking the decision seriously than it does of anecdotal experience.

My son makes my life better in every way. Sure, I have less money... less time... a little less freedom.

I also dont have the luxury to behave in self defeating or self destructive ways....

[cinemaven]

I totally agree Shaunmarie, I think it also says more about who or what unhappy people blame for their unhappiness. Unhappy parents blame their kids, unhappy singles blame their jobs or relationships.

I think that people who choose not to have children are happier as a group, not because they don't have children but because they've actually examined themselves and their lives. Most of the people I know who chose not to have kids spent a lot of time deciding what they want from life. My husband and I waited to decide about kids until we'd been married for 5 years. We both put a lot of thought into the decision and together, we decided we wanted a child. We knew exactly what the changes would be in our lives and we were more than willing to have less things. We're definitely as happy and fulfilled as our purposefully childless friends.

Sadly, many people have kids without putting much thought into it... I think those people were the ones examined here.

[brooklyncitizen]

A friend who has 4 kids that I use to babysit for, shared with me that she remembered how I said I wasn't ever having kids (and haven't) and she point blank told me I wasn't missing anything.She actually said that though she had "good kids" she didn't think they added to her overall happiness in life.

Go figure.

[gonavy]

Kids don't add, they take. If you did not understand that before, then it tends to be a great disappointment.

[AmericanFool]

If you care about being a good parent, it certainly forces you to grow in ways you had never before imagined. Granted, the opportunity cost is huge. If my wife and I had not had kids, we'd be considerably richer, travel more, do more.... but for us there would be an emptiness. Filling that emptiness might be selfish(?) might be altruistic(?) - probably a little of both. Parenting is also a rather natural desire, built into our genes (but not everybody will have the desire, people are unique after all.) I doubt the truth can be defined. I would not trade my life for what we had before kids, but I know some people who would not agree. Like much in life, what you get out of it depends to some degree on the effort you put into it, and to some degree on luck. My oldest son is Autistic; he's a lot more work than his younger brother. The interesting part is I relish the additional challenges he presents, while valuing greatly the 'normalcy' of my experiences with my younger son. I guess this is just seeing each of them for what they are, and doing my best to value them for their intrinsic humanity, no matter how it expresses itself. In the end, one must take on the challenges of parenthood willingly for it to be successful and fulfilling, and for this reason having children is like any other endeavor: an individual decision, never an obligation.

[brooklyncitizen]

I think it is a good statement that parenting forces individual growth...but I don't think all parents take the opportunity. Sometimes it seems like a power thing on the part of some parents.

I also think other relationships can extract taht growth and maturity form a person- such as caring for an ailing parent.THere are many ways to learn about loving unconditionally.

[joebiz]

I'm a SINK: single income, no kids and I'm happy, he's why:.

THE SHORTLIST: No worring about "my" kids getting run-over, molested, mistreated, killed etc.
I can pick-up and go anytime I want. Travel is so easy.
It's cheaper, etc . . . . Yeah, they are selfish reasons but isn't bringing kids into this world also selfish?
Here's why;

THE LONGLIST: Having been a former school teacher for over 7 years, and spending at least 6 hours per day with YOUR kids (longer and usually more meaningful interaction than most parents, trust me on this, I asked my former students, YOUR kids), I can tell you that most of you so called parents aren't doing so well in raising your kids.
YOUR kids are products of many of the interactions they see at home: many are not well behaved, they have atrocious manners, they came to school hungry, unkempt, etc. Kids come from homes of divorce, drug and alcohol addiction, neurotic and dysfunctional family dynamics.

In short, one needs to be well positioned to have and raise kids. One must be financially and emotionally stable; have the patience of a saint, be an expert communicator, be able to create stable and disciplined home where love and respect are to be emphasized, this is the key. If you're not willing or can't do these things than the road with your kids will be more painful for them than you.

[LitDr2B]

If all of these were drop-dead requirements, the human race would have died out a long time ago. :)

Just sayin'.

[brooklyncitizen]

Well unfortunately the people that will give the amount of thought to having kids as you gave to this post, are not the ones reproducing.

People that have kids in abundance shouldn't be having them. Though being a SINK is gratifying , ultimately I don't think living for yourself is enough; I think we all have a responsibility to give on some level somewhere, somehow.

[smags72]

'Though being a SINK is gratifying , ultimately I don't think living for yourself is enough; I think we all have a responsibility to give on some level somewhere, somehow.'

Who are we supposed to live for, if not for ourselves? My Dad always taught me to 'take care of number one' before I can take care of anyone else. I did have to 'find' myself before I was able to open up enough to enter a healthy, caring, loving relationship. Now I live for myself and my partner. Having children isn't' the only way to give. There are MANY more ways to give on many levels. Many people without children have more time to donate to worthy causes. Parents don't have the time, so most don't donate their time, and I would certainly never judge them for it. But people with children judge childless people all the time - and they can't begin to fathom why we wouldn't want children since their lives revolve around their kids. A lot of these people are also the same people who have bratty kids who drive us all nuts on the train and in restaurants and stores. I think we need 'quiet sections' in public transportation and restaurants (no cell phones, no kids) so that ALL the pro-child people who love their kids SO MUCH can all hang out in the other sections listening to those kids, and leave the rest of us in peace and quiet in the quiet section.

[drband36]

It's not a have kids/don't have kids dichotomy.

If you want to KNOW that you are doing some good without bringing another human being onto this planet, become a Big Brother/Big Sister.

The number of kids who need a caring adult in their lives is staggering; often, they have a single parent who is working all the time. BB/BS lowers teen pregnancy rates, increases grades, and improves graduation rates.

I'm an aunt of twins, have been a school teacher in the past, and I've been a Big Sister. Hands down, the most productive thing I've done is probably being a Big Sister. Showing an underprivileged kid that there's a bigger world out there (a world with books and thoughts and ideas, not just TV and video games) is an important yet neglected job in this world.

Helping people who aren't your own flesh and blood...realizing you don't have to become a parent to become a fully realized person...THAT is personal growth, folks.

[inmyhumbleopinion]

As a mother of two children and stepparent to one, here's my advice: if you're going to have kids you need to build in time for your own needs and your own space, period. Don't let the Mommy Mafia guilt you into believing you have to do it all yourself--that getting help or hiring a sitter for a few hours each week is bad.

I am divorced and remarried. The best thing that ever happened to me child-rearing-wise, was the ability to trade off weekends with my ex, giving me time to myself. Obviously, I'm not suggesting that's the only way to do this, but it taught me that even married couples with children have to make the time for themselves, and each other, if they want to stay sane and keep their marriage intact.

P.S. My kids are wonderful, funny, smart, talented, and polite. And I think a good deal of that can be attributed to the fact that they know they are not the center of the universe. Families that revolve around the kids' needs instead of the collective group's are in for a world of trouble.

[coastalcarla]

I like how Keanu Reeves put it in Parenthood: "You need a license to drive a car. You even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt reaming a**hole be a parent". Most of the parents I know should have been sterilized before they started breeding. Just because you can do it doesn't mean you should. Many people are just not cut out for parenting. And then we all get to suffer, having to deal with their horrible offspring (especially in restaurants and grocery stores).

[Dots]

At 73 I feel the best choice I ever made in life was to NOT have children.
Just to make sure, I was a nanny to a newborn for awhile and I still see him nine years later but dear as he is, I feel so fortunate to not have child-rearing as my life work and interest.
My life without kids has been soooooo rich and happy and frankly, I have made many friends, some of whom will be around in my old years. Like minded, we will play cards, discuss books, art, music, travel, volunteer work, politics, movies and theatre and how much of our bucket list we have accomplished. All my many neices and nephews will be dealing with their own families...not me.
Once you can no longer be of service to them w/ child care, money or dinner, etc. they just disappear.
Raising children is all consuming and only those who feel called to do it should.

[cinemaven]

Dots, it's great that you're happy and fulfilled :)

However, you really are generalizing when you say that kids disappear when you can no longer be of service to them. My dad was stricken with throat and lung cancer and we all were there with him and my mom during the 6 months between finding out and losing him. I travelled over 900 miles round trip every two weeks to be there with them. When my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer, my sister quit her job to go and care for mom. My other sister took them both into her home to help with the care while myself and my other sister (both of us live over 900 miles away) travelled there often to help and to spend time with mom right up until the day we lost her. It's no coincedence that everyone in our family was there at the time both my mom and dad passed.

We're not uncommon. I'm at an age where most of my friends are having to care for their parents and most of them are happily doing it.

I'm also there for my wonderful aunt (who has been a second mom to us all)... I was there visiting her last week. She's been invited to come live with all 4 of us but she's happy in her senior complex. My sis is visiting her next week and my other sis lives in the same city and takes her out 3x a week.

[Xgal08]

I don't even know if I want kids. There a huge responsibility. I like my life as it is. That could change in a couple of years or so. I'm not in any rush.

Cool picture from Willy Wonka, on of my favorites,by the way!

[TheBlackCat]

Parenting isn't for everyone. For some the rewards more than compensate for the loss of personal freedom, for others they don't. The problem arises when married couples are made to feel guilty or selfish if they do not become parents, as if that is the only way to find meaning or altruism in your life. My husband and I are very active in our community and also very happy with just us and our cats, and have yet to decide whether or not we want children. My own parents (aside from having my sister and I) took in a teenage foster child when they were middle aged who is considered part of the family, and right now I see that as my most likely course of action.

The best argument I've heard for why we should have kids is, as a friend of mine put it "You know that stupid people will keep on having them, it may not be such a good idea to let them be the main source of future Americans."

[Natural]

TheBlackCat said: 'The best argument I've heard for why we should have kids is, as a friend of mine put it "You know that stupid people will keep on having them, it may not be such a good idea to let them be the main source of future Americans." '

Strong argument, Cat. The world needs more thinkers such as yourself.

What about the biological imperative argument? Your genes have programmed you to reproduce. The ultimate purpose to life can be realized only through fulfillment of this single overriding imperative.

[socialdemocracy1968]

Making people feel guilty about having or not having children is simply psychotic, as is saying "recent polls show that babies are not bundles of joy!" Who cares? If you want to have children or adopt, go for it. If you don't, then fine. Honestly, my mother was 25 when she had me, and she turned out to be a very dedicated parent. My father, who, when I was born, was nearing 40, wasn't that great. You don't have to be on the eve of your 50th birthday to be a responsible parent, which seems to be the new consensus.

And the idea of carrying on a blood line is, admittedly, quite obsolete. But having a biological child is a life-long project: you raise a human being from infancy, teach them the values that will help them become intelligent and humane individuals. You and your spouse supply the very genetic building blocks that give them their baseline features. Sure, child care is expensive these days, and the era of the five child family is long gone, but a child is a child. Whether they are of blood relation or not, they're equally deserving of love and care.

[Pacific231]

I would like to share this which I had read awhile ago on a Starbucks cup. I can do no better:

The day my son was born, I simultaneously died and was reborn. Every day before that day, my life had been about me and what I wanted the world to give me. Every day since, my life necessarily has been about what I can give to someone else. And that, I think, is why the world needs more children - and parents. - By Kevin Streit, Attorney, Richmond, VA

Very, VERY well said.

[melpomene1]

Not everyone has to have children before they care about other people. I daresay those who do have to have children before they think of anyone but themselves are really selfish people. And, frankly, no, we don't need more of them.

[xpresv]

Agreed...did anybody notice that 2/3 of the world's children are without adequate nutrition/health care/sanitation? Or did you mean the world needs more AMERICAN children?

[TheBlackCat]

Some people need kids to be a wake up call for responsible living. I wonder how these people were raised themselves? My parents imbued me with a strong sense of responsibility as a child. Mum had me helping out with her at the homeless shelter since I was 11, and I have been extremely active in community service ever since, including serving in the Peace Corps. Good parents don't let their own children wait to HAVE children themselves to start caring about others.

[mediawatcher1975]

I think that the world needs fewer parents. Just because you can breed doen't mean that you should. Children require a lot more love than they give, and some people just don't realize that going in. More people should be honest with themself and not let breeder make then feel bad or selfish for passing on the "joy" of children.

I love other people's children and I was a teacher for a few years. I NEVER want to have kids and I am very happy with my choice.

[drband36]

I agree, mediawatcher.

Parenthood should become like a calling...sort of like the priesthood, without the corruption. The only people who ought to have kids are the ones who feel the strong biological drive and who really, really want to have them.

So many folks have kids because they think they "should" an "it's just what you do". What a ridiculous way to make the largest decision you will ever make in your life.

I'm 42 and have been childfree (i.e., made the conscious decision not to have kids) all of my adult life. I've been a middle school teacher, a high school teacher, a Big Sister, and a devoted auntie. I've helped hundreds of kids in my life as a teacher.

And yet, many people claim that I'm unfulfilled and haven't lived a complete life, simply because I haven't raised a child of my own.

I'm very, very sad for those people...and ultimately, for their children as well.

Look around you, folks --- there are people who need help everywhere you look. No need to create more of us unless you feel that you want to be a parent, 150%, and can do a good job of it.

[TucsonEd]

I've known people who after adopting children were absolutely shocked by the challenges of raising a child. My first husband wanted a lot of kids. I wanted none. After he talked me into having one, he didn't like the responsiblity and ran off with another woman. I married a man who had the same situation in reverse, his wife ran off after having two kids cause she just wanted "to do her own thing" (remember that old phrase?"

My own mother did the same thing, I had a co-worker whose mother ran out on 5 kids. I'm sure if you really think about it, you can name a few people who did the same thing-- decided parenting wasn't for them.

Our society really needs to change the way children are "marketed"

[boomer1949]

My kids are now adults with lives of their own. Both are married; one has 3 children and one has 0 children (unless one counts her annual Kindergarten class). I've told each of them they were not brought into this world to keep me entertained. This is what my parents did to me, and I despised them for it.

Children are a lot of hard work, and I'm glad I had mine 30+ years ago. I don't know that I would want to bring a child into today's world; the challenges are much greater.

[BeSpoke]

Get a dog; it's better all around.

[boycottrightwingthings]

Yup.... at least a dog licks your hand!

[xpresv]

I am married with no children and two dogs...no regrets. No college to pay for (except my own), no outlandish weddings, no pissy teenage attitudes...just pure love and affection.

Dogs over kids any day! (I just wish they lived longer.)

[Downtown]

and a dog's never going to ask you for the car keys when it grows up.. ;)

[jimdog1954]

A dog will never say, "F%@k you, I hate you."

[gonavy]

Funny and true to a certain extent. But a dog never gets potty trained, you have to pick up their poop for their entire life. Children generally don't yell those things back to their parent until they are teenagers, so there is some enjoyment before then. If a child does tell you to F-off it's a safe bet they learned that behavior from the parent and they might actually deserve it.

I'm just saying.

[strifeknot]

I like that a photo of the young H!llary Cl!nton was included with this article.

[wolfgangmo]

Get.

Over.

It.

Already.