Why Having Kids Might Not Make You Happy

According to this week's Newsweek article, having kids might not be all it's cracked up to be.

The most recent comprehensive study on the emotional state of those with kids shows us that the term "bundle of joy" may not be the most accurate way to describe our offspring. "Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers," says Florida State University's Robin Simon, a sociology professor who's conducted several recent parenting studies, the most thorough of which came out in 2005 and looked at data gathered from 13,000 Americans by the National Survey of Families and Households. "In fact, no group of parents--married, single, step or even empty nest--reported significantly greater emotional well-being than people who never had children. It's such a counterintuitive finding because we have these cultural beliefs that children are the key to happiness and a healthy life, and they're not."

And while this is the most recent study, it's certainly not the only one.

In Daniel Gilbert's 2006 book "Stumbling on Happiness," the Harvard professor of psychology looks at several studies and concludes that marital satisfaction decreases dramatically after the birth of the first child--and increases only when the last child has left home. He also ascertains that parents are happier grocery shopping and even sleeping than spending time with their kids. Other data cited by 2008's "Gross National Happiness" author, Arthur C. Brooks, finds that parents are about 7 percentage points less likely to report being happy than the childless.

Read the rest.

What do you think? Is the study spot on? Or is it missing one of the more crucial facets of parenting - the amount of love you can give to and receive from a child? Or what about the sense of purpose and meaning a parent can get from raising a child? And on the other hand - perhaps this study is only stating the obvious: that children are far from perfect; they're expensive, time-consuming, and stressful.

Comments

[falco]

Having kids would be easy if it wasn't for the television, which imparts information kids are not ready for, brain washes them into thinking they need to look like the stars/models and drive expensive cars to be accepted, makes them want expensive toys - flat screen tvs, ipods, computers, etc. and instills the notion that they don't have to go through steps a,b, and c to get to d. TV also makes it ok to be on drugs if you can't sleep, are depressed, can't get it up ("mommy, what's an erection?") with all the pharmaceudical commercials. Makes us feel inadaquate (we need this or that or we will smell), demonizes old people, fat people and ugly people. There's more but you can fill in the blanks, you've seen it all. And probably have had to deal with the emotional backlash of how this affects kids - the tears, the hating of self-image, the sh_t that intrudes into ours and our kids' lives without invite. We don't watch it here.

[hilaritee]

while media can be problematic i doubt that parenting only became stressful after the dawn of the television age...these studies seem to indicate that, rather than being personally fulfilling the rearing of children generally results in feelings of stress and personal emptiness. people who lack personal time are often unhappy, regardless of the external influences on their children, such as the media

[MelKnee]

I don't buy it. TVs come with "off" buttons. Sure kids might be exposed to TV indirectly through the attitudes of other kids at school, but without the direct assault, the influence is greatly reduced. PArents are not as helpless as the media makes them out to be.

[gonavy]

There is alot of cr@p on TV, but a parent has all the tools to control the flow from the TV. There are also many good things on TV. I love Noggin for my toddler, she has learned so much from Little Bill, Blues Clues, and then there's Playhouse Disney. The Discovery channel has great shows. All my kids love to watch "How it's made". There is good stuff out there.

But, I agree, some OFF time is definetely in order.

[Nyk]

As I was reading this my youngest came and gave me a hug for no reason at all but that he loves me. Makes it all worthwhile!

[dpiyjrtmfr]

You didn´t ask him what it was he did that he was trying to cover up?

[wolfgangmo]

Check your back pocket. Is your wallet still there?

[Nyk]

Nope, not covering up.

[mageduley]

Ahhh but what all of you forget about is old age. I love my children beyond reason, and I know they love me. While it is not a reason in and of itself, I can be content knowing that my kids will visit me in the nursing home and make sure I don't lay for days on end dying of infected bedsores and neglect.

[princess10021]

Granted, old age is a consideration..... but in the case of my husband and me, we have left substantial "inspiration" and "motivation" in our estate planning for our nieces, nephews and my younger sister (I was the oldest of 6) to actively care and advocate for us in our old age. In addition to financial perks, our emotional availability—which we may not have if we had our own children to look after—ensures that we have a close and loving relationship with the younger generation.

Not to mention all the "natural" parents whose children don't even give them the time of day.....

[hilaritee]

i always find this argument about old age depressing because it commodifies children. if all you want children for is care when you are aged then it would be much less expensive to just pay for long term care insurance.

[PinkSpider]

Umm...I would not be so sure. Adult children tend NOT to visit their elderly parents in a nursing home. I have seen too many elderly adults neglected by their children when I have visited for a Christmas Carol sing along. The kids show up for about 30 - 45 minutes and since the the kids feel they have done their duty, they leave. No presents, no dinner, no nothing. Do yourself a favor, detail very specific goals your children must meet before they ever see a dime and what exactly you expect in elderly care. If they are sincere, they won't object. If they do object, well you have protected yourself and you can spend all the bucks you have before you hit the grave.

[camazotz]

People seem to mention this observation without considering there might be a reason why their children don't want to spend more than 30-45 minutes at a time with them.

Have you ever considered what kind of parent they might have been?

[PartyPartyParty]

I think it's risky to count on children for insurance against loneliness and neglect. How can they possibly gurantee that they will be able to meet such demands when the time comes?

A friend of mine with no children and very few living relatives lives in a very good, very well-run nursing home and has one of the most active social lives of anyone I know. Her friends are all ages, from their teens up into their 80s. Besides friends from her life, she knows all the nursing home staff by name, the names of their families, and what's going on in their lives. She has an endless stream of visitors and activities because she knows how to be a friend, not because she has grown children who feel obligated to visit her.

[Furby]

Mageduley,
I admire your optimism but must impart my dear old dad's wise words to my mom before he died. "Mum, don't count on the kids to keep you company when I'm gone. Much as your motherly love wants to believe otherwise, they are selfish." Another poster said that this was a generalization and that she is happy to go visit her elderly mom in a nursing home. That's not what my dad was refering to, he meant those 20 years after we moved out and before they were ill. We were nowhere to be found and barely spent 15 minutes a month on the phone with them. So having kids for company in your old age is not a good plan. I'm now an old woman with no kids and some good friends who are much more present than a brood of kids would have been. But hopefully your kids will be the exception :)

[Portnoy]

Don't eat meat.
Don't have babies.
Don't cut trees
don't drink the water
Don't drill for oil.
Blah Blah Blah.

It must be hard feeling guilty about being human all of the time.

[Eric8869]

Better than being a far right Republican who doesn't feel guilty about anything. (Torture of Human Beings, Polluting our Eviroment, sending young American boys to die for an unncessary war, relentless gay bashing etc)

[TheBlackCat]

I don't feel guilty about being a human being. I am concious of the fact that I should be a responsible human being. I don't understand people who think being responsible is somehow "anti human." Do you feel guilty about

Do not kill
Do not drink and drive
Do not run out on your family
Do not do to others what you would not have done unto yourself
Do not steal

Understanding that your actions have consequences isn't guilt, it's common sense. And this article isn't promoting not having children or saying you're a better person for not having children. The point is that you shouldn't feel guilty about NOT having children. I think you should read the above article instead of just the tagline.

[PartyPartyParty]

I have always scratched my head at statements like: "You can't have a happy life without having children," as if a child is a component of something like well-being, along with a healthy diet, regular excercise or intellectual stimulation. In this "enlightened" time of family planning, any grownup who decides to have a child had better make sure that they're content, secure and on even ground before they go through with that decision.

A child is not a component. A child is not a vacation home or a gym membership, a house of worship or an MP3 player. It is not a fancy new couch or a gold star you get when you get married or finally get that important job with benefits. It is not a retirement fund or a guard against enemies or a security blanket against lonieliness in one's old age, and it's not a promotional item.

A child is its own self, and is not responsible for the well-being of its parents. It's the other way around. The arrival of a child marks the beginning of at least two dozen years of hard work that the child is owed by the people who brought it into the world in the first place.

Caring for children can be fulfilling, but it's not a child's job to make its parent happy.

[joust1]

Will you call my mom and talk to her about this for me?

[dpiyjrtmfr]

Will you call my mother-in-law and talk to her about this please? She thinks there is something wrong with us because we have not had kids after six years of marriage.

[LeaveArtieAlone]

DITTO!

[wyomingrev]

Amen!

[LeaveArtieAlone]

I bow to your wisdom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Pacific231]

Dear Sir or Madam, HuffPost owes you the coveted Editor's Pick golden checkmark for your excellent post. Well done.

[TheBlackCat]

Great post!!!!

[LeftCoastLefthandedLefty]

I think a lot of people are missing th point of having kids.

Is it hard? Yes

Is it dificult? Yes

Is it sometimes a thankless job? Yes

But.....it is all those things that make it worthwhile.

You don't do it to blend in with society's idea of normalcy, you do it because you have enough love in your heart to share with another being.

[tamebrid]

I hope you're not suggesting that those who choose to not have children made that decision because they'd DON'T "have enough love in [their] heart[s] to share with another being"! :)

[wolfgangmo]

Of course Lefty is suggesting that.

[LeaveArtieAlone]

I for one admire those who KNOW they don’t want children and honour that decision. It is better than having parents that realize after they have had children that those children are an inconvenience! Too many times this has happened and the kids are left with so many emotional scars it is ridiculous! That is love for reality and for children!

[drband36]

And that, Lefty, is what makes YOU an excellent parent. Your kids are lucky, and society will be lucky to have them as the adults they'll become.

Unfortunately, too many people who have kids aren't really parents...they're just people who had kids. Because...the condom broke, it's just "whatcha do", they were trying to convince their boyfriend to marry them, give their parents grandchildren, etc., etc., etc.

Believe me...as a former teacher at a boarding school, I can tell you that some parents subscribe to your enlightened POV, and some most certainly do NOT.

[ihavenobias]

As someone who is never going to have kids (by choice), I'm happy to read this. Not because it confirms I'm making the right choice (the right choice is an individual thing and most people want kids which is great), but because it's good ammo to use against people who insist I can never be happy unless I have kids.

And the people who insist there's no point in getting married unless you plan to have children. No thanks. Kids provide many joys in life to be sure, but they are also the most stressful and expensive job one could ever have. A job you can't quit and a job that is 24 hours a day, seven a days a week for easily 2 decades (or more).

Far too many people minimize the downside, in large part because it's socially expected and, well, it's hard to deal with the stress unless you pretend it's not that stressful or you block out the negative and focus on the positive. Most people want and have kids so what are they going to do, say "I give up" and admit it's more than they bargained for or that they're unhappy? That's not an option.

And that's the rub. You can't turn them into a shelter and you can't quit. Again, if they make you happy that's great! Just don't try and tell everyone else that *they* need kids to live a complete life.

[xpresv]

Well said!

[pompous]

As a mom of a 17 month old there is no question parenting is the most difficult job. I believe whole heartedly in the study's conclusion. I find it curious that many parents attempt to conceal their inner doubts about becoming a parent. I can't say how many times I've heard people say I love babies! The problem is they are babies for a brief period and hello they are becoming a person. People lose sight of the fact that they are people. That being said happiness is a choice. One can chose to be happy with or without children. I don't always look forward to playing baby games but when I do his smile certainly makes me happy.

[wolfgangmo]

Saying "I love babies" is just like saying "I love my barbie."

[Wickerman]

and once you have kids you better not actually say how thankless and hard it can be---people will look at you like you are a sociopath. I'm a stay at home dad and it's easily the most difficult thing, mentally and physically I've ever done...kid's crying, got to go.

[CLPR]

I've heard this before - there's quite a few studies that conclude happiness declines after the children arrive. It's not surprising really when you think how much work goes into everyday life w/o children, then add in an infant - wow - that's quite a load for a person to take on.

[iamjoneskeepupwithme]

that has always been my reasoning. life is challenging enough to keep a balanced life without kids. though far from perfect (whose is?!), i have a very fulfilling, rich life and i do not need to have children to be happy or to prove anything to anyone else.

i find it so fascinating that some people say that those who consciously choose not to have children are the selfish ones. i propose that the exact opposite is the case! far too many people have children out of selfishness, to entertain themselves or to provide a sense of purpose and meaning to their otherwise empty lives.

i believe my reasoned choice is far more selfless because i know that i am not ready for parenthood and would never bring another life into this world unless i was financially, emotionally and physically prepared to provide nothing but the very best for that new life.

[CammyV]

Is this a rhetorical question?

[lacitepq]

As a child of a parent who did not really like her children and was self-absorbed in her own daily emotional dramas, I'd say parenting is not for everyone. Not all adults are well-suited to be parents or are emotionally mature. Parenting is hard work and requires one to be selfless, frequently putting aside your needs for those of your kids. Parenting should also be thoughtful - every gesture you make and every word you say to your child has an impact. If someone recognizes parenting is not for them and chooses not to have children then they should be commended. dadw5boys doesn't quite get it -

[TucsonEd]

You MUST be one of my siblings. Are you from Utah?

[LeaveArtieAlone]

Probably mine!

[camazotz]

Kindred spirit here.

[Noracharles1995]

Agreed, society needs to put the stigma of childlessness aside and encourage everyone to honestly ask themselves if a) they really WANT kids AND b) they think they will be good parents. Also, sometimes timing matters and a person could be a horrible parent in their 20s or 30s but later on be ready and be a great parent. For many it may be too late to have biological children so how about adopting? So many kids have nobody.

I had my first girl at 40 and #2 at 44 and wouldn't have done it any other way. Up to then I travelled, partied and had the freedom of childlessness. But I got tired of it and wanted something else, not necessarily better - just different. Parenthood was it. I would have been a horrible parent earlier in life but later I realized I did have enough love to give and that I'd worked out the issues I had with my own parents. Yes, at my age it's harder keeping up with little kids but I have far more patience now and know I really DID want to become a parent and was ready. That more than makes up for the lack of energy and the thankless parts of being a Mom.

[drband36]

Nora,

What you're saying is that you thought it through. That's great, and I think it's wonderful that society seems to be turning towards more thought about childrearing...not just how or when, but WHETHER.

Kudos to you!

[mcyina]

If I dont have kids I will be fine. I am around kids a lot but I am more happy when they are not around. Its like being around people for me. Sometimes it is fun and sometimes it not. I try to derive my happiness from within.

[azyuwish]

Now that my girls are child-bearing age and for the oldest the question of whether or not to have children is relevant, I emphasize that there is more to life than child-rearing. I tell them that if they want to travel, pursue careers, stay single or marry and choose not to have kids, that is fine with me. I do not have a "make me a grandma" complex. I want to see them succeed and realize their dreams and potential as individuals.

Life is different these days than when my husband and I were raising kids. The costs of things has risen tremendously. Our youngest has just begun college and her feeling is that she wants to travel the world, pursue Environmental Studies and if she ever wants to raise a child, she prefers to adopt because she says "There are already way too many children who are in desperate need."

The impetus to have children to "carry on the blood line" or to help work the family farm is from a bygone era. Today's world is challenging in an entirely different way and producing children is no solution to the crisis of environment, economy or global politics.

[TheBlackCat]

Wow, you and my mom and me and your daughter sound like very kindred spirits!! My mum is also very big on not pressuring me to have kids for her sake, and letting me pursue my own dreams. I have spent most of my time after college traveling and also do not know if I want kids.

After college I worked in a Mexican orphanage for some time. After that experience I know that if I ever choose to have children, they will be adopted. Of course I don't fault people who want their own children, that is a natural thing to want. However as your daughter says, there are so so SO many children in this world already desperate for families, I personally would not feel right bringing a child into the world when I could instead rescue one who is already here.

[dadw5boys]

What do you do if you don't have kids????

Collect money and stink up the place????

So you want my kids to go to war so you can work, shop, travel on vactions, and fill you 401k or 403's??????

Get you butt in the military if you chose to not have kids!!!!!!!!!!

[em0199]

Umm as already has been said there are already enough people on this planet it is not a necessity to have children any more. And if I chose to not have any kids that is my choice and we live in country called America where that choice is free along with the choice to be in the army.

[dadw5boys]

Right now we do have the choice of Military Service but this is still new.

The military draft is always on the table.

[azyuwish]

I absolutely do not want your children to go to war, nor mine either. But if any of your FIVE boys decides to NOT have children, I would applaud their decision, as the next world crisis of epic proportions is going to be that of FOOD supply, WATER supply and wars over remaining natural resources.

China and India's rapidly developing appetite for commodities and energy is the next challenge we face.

Ever read a book called "Who Will Feed China?" You might want to check it out.

[oola]

Wow, written by someone with no social imagination. As a woman who's chosen to be child-free, it always gets me how many people want to paint non-parents as a selfish, thoughtless people. As just one example in many, husband I volunteer at two organizations, a considerable number of hours each week, in addition to full time jobs. One is a social/humanitarian organization, the other is an animal welfare hospital. You might be surprised by how much of the work on this planet -- making the world a bit better for your children and their future -- is done by people without kids. Almost all of of our fellow volunteers are single, couples without kids, gay couples, or retirees. That's great. I understand parents don't have time to volunteer, and I never suggest they should. But when anyone tries to suggest that the only valid contribution to this planet is childbearing, all I can imagine is how miserable their lives must be to inflict that kind of venom on those of us who genuinely care about and commit to a better, more humane world for everyone. And who make every effort to engage productively with the children in our lives -- even when their parents choose not to.

[dadw5boys]

then outlaw wars!!!!! we who chose to have kids do not like sending ours off to die to protect those who don't.

[Noracharles1995]

Add to this list of things people who are child free do, travel, care for older parents or relatives, rescue and adopt homeless animals or place others they don't adopt themselves like oola does. With the world going to hell in a handbasket the options for volunteering and doing good via volunteering are endless. Once my kids are older, I want us to volunteer for various causes as a family.

[melpomene1]

brava, brava, brava! well said, oola.

[wolfgangmo]

Get off the pipe dude.

You are saying that there should be mandatory military service unless you have a kid. You need more sleep and less Horton Hears and Who in your life. Try reading some books with polysyllables in them.

[ladyv]

People who don't have kids are, demographically speaking, the people who have the *least* interest in sending your kids to war.

[AtomiClash]

As one with no children, nor ever planning on having any of my own, I can't say I disagree with the findings. The bottom line, of course, is that reproduction is not for everyone. Somewhere we all got the notion that reproduction is the end-all and be-all of a fulfilled life (yes, it's nature to need to reproduce, I get it), but we don't live in a society like that any more. We don't need to spend our lives trying to make more of us. There are already too many people!

On the other hand, if ever I choose to have kids, I'd adopt - there are way too many children who are already in need of love without creating more. Now that's probably even more potentially fulfilling...