Good evening everyone! What on earth are we doing tonight? Seriously? Wasn't this stuff suspended? What is going on? Honestly! Today was my day off and I did laundry and read a book abotu science fiction movies that died/got mangled in development (Oh, Outer Limits movie, what might have been!). And now we're having this debate! Is the economy bailed out? Have we found Osama bin Laden? Did John McCain find a new general manager for the Detroit Lions?
One of the two candidates, John McCain, didn't even want to participate in this debate himself! He doesn't want his vice president to debate either! So why am I here, exactly? I had a ticket to Carrie Fisher's one-woman show at the Lincoln Theatre tonight, and instead of enjoying that, I am watching this awful debate on teevee. So when people ask, "Who lost the debate?" I urge you, tell your friends, that I lost the debate. Because I totally did.
Meanwhile, we already know who won the debate, right?
That ad ran in the Wall Street Journal's website or something, today. Pretty presumptuous, right? Or is it just MAVERICKY GOODNESS? I don't have the slightest clue! But I made some more fun signs for John McCain to use!
OMG! The Huffington Post has called the election for John McCain! Call Steve Schmidt! We're in the tank, and we're drowning!
YES! John McCain is Father Christmas and he will bomb bomb bomb you with toys! The North Pole is safe, because Sarah Palin can see it from her front porch!
OH NOES! Are you dressed sexy, with many dollars from lobbyists? Better get ready! President Santa McCain has been known to lose his bearings!
Anyway, that's how serious we are taking this! Please send your own funny pictures and questions to me by email. You should make the subject something like "MY HILARIOUS DEBATE COMMENT" to distinguish your email from the 250 emails I get from Alex Conant and Tucker Bounds and Bill Burton and Tommy Vietor each hour! I can't wait until this election ends, and those people go away too!
So, there are thirty minutes to go before this debate, and CNN is already bravely reporting on their own newsteam! Apparently, viewers are allowed the opportunity to grade the various CNN pundits, for their stupidity. Have you ever wanted to tell Paul Begala or Alex Castellanos that they can suck it? YES YOU CAN, somehow. I don't know how. Guess you are on your own! But throughout the night, CNN will probably be showing you dial readings on their punditry. They'll call it "transparency," probably!
So, tonight's debate will feature questions on the economy. Good for Obama? Well, consider this: I think Obama has some free rein to prosecute the case against McCain on economics, but on foreign policy, he's much better off pressing the case FOR Obama. If this was a clean debate, on one topic, he could set the right tone. But if the questions run far afield, Obama could end up raising the temperature of the room, and get into a situation where he's tearing the old man down throughout. That's not good for independent voters, on foreign policy topics. They might be inclined to vote for Obama, but they respect McCain's sacrifice.
Besides, if McCain plays this to a tie, it's a win for him. You can feel it brewing in the coverage!
Jim Lehrer is welcoming us to the debate. The audience has been browbeaten into an agreement of remaining silent during the debate.
QUESTION: General Eisenhower said some things! Security and solvency are linked, so, where do you stand on the financial recovery plan.
OBAMA: Thanks everyone in the room, says that WOW IT IS IMPORTANT TO BE DEBATING. We will move "swiftly and wisely." And he swiftly and wisely gets into plans! An enumerated list! No golden parachutes! Get the taxpayers money back! Fundamentals of economy are based on middle-class success.
McCAIN: [OMG! His tie is MESMERISING!] I am not feeling too great, but it's not melanoma! Republicans and Democrats are working together. He makes a joke about his age, because why not. McCain wants oversighting. We have work to do. Drill, baby, drill.
Now we have a five minute discussion of the plan. Obama says he hasn't seen the language. He wants to talk about how we got into this mess, and how he sent many letters to people! Sternly worded letters!
Everyone will have to resign in the McCain adminstration!
Lehrer wants Obama and McCain to talk to each other. McCain jokes: "Do you think I can't hear him?"
Obama is worried about Main Street, and firemen and teachers, all of whom will have to resign in a McCain administration. McCain says that workers are fundamentals and they are strong.
John McCain hates spending, and he hates bears in Montana, and he steals the friendship of Tom Coburn, who is Obama's secret Republican friend. McCain also has a pen, and it's old, and that pen will make earmarkers famous, which is EVERYONE IN CONGRESS.
Obama says that he hates earmarks, too, and he stopped requesting them when he started running for President. But earmarks are just a teensy part of the budget. He will buy everyone gas and computers.
McCain is reading my liveblog! Obama is an opportunistic earmark reformer! And everyone is corrupted and going to jail and building bridges to nowhere. McCain didn't win Miss Congeniality! But Sarah Palin is prepared to win the Bikini Contest, and that will save the economy.
Lehrer keeps asking the candidates to talk to each other! It's like he wants to run the Stanford Prison Experiment or something!
McCain says he is going to vote for the plan! He also sent warnings, about Fannie Mae. But more importantly, Dwight Eisenhower wrote letters also! Why don't we vote for him!
Points to McCain for using "festooned!" One of my favorite words!
Now that McCain and Obama are yelling at each other, Lehrer wants them to stop. Obama throws the current energy bill in McCain's face, saying it allows DRILLING OF BABIES! But also no more tax benefits for the OILS.
QUESTION: What can't you do now that the government has bought the economy?
Obama says that we HAVE to become energy independence and we have to have health care and we have to invest in science and technology, so that our kids can keep pace with China, and have freakishly nationalistic Olympic opening ceremonies. So, in other words...uhm...he doesn't have an answer.
McCain will CUT SPENDING! Obama is SUPER LIBERAL. How will he reach across the aisle? He's so liberal he can't even walk across a room! McCain complains about defense spending overruns, because there's an adorable little boat he wants to build, and BOMB BOMB Iran with!
Lehrer is basically all: YOU GUYS HAVEN'T ANSWERED MY QUESTION. Obama says that things will have to be delayed, but he still wants to spend money on things. So we'll stop giving money to private insurers. And by the way, TOM COBURN IS MY SECRET FRIEND!
Lehrer is going crazy! McCain says, OKAY: Spending freeze on everything buty defense and veterans. But McCain opposed the G.I. Bill! Obama says that's an "axe when you need a scalpel." And we're wasting money in Iraq. McCain says we give money to countries which don't like us very much, which, under Bush, is what? ALL OF THEM, RIGHT?
Lehrer is resolute! WON'T THIS BAILOUT AFFECT YOU AT ALL? Obama says he wants to provide healthcare, McCain says OH NOES SOCIALIZED MEDICINE! He wants families to choose their health care plan! For many families, the choice boils down to EATING DINNER vs. BOTTLE OF BENADRYL.
QUESTION: Compare Vietnam to Iraq!
Not Miss Congeniaity says that Iraq was badly mishandled, and he wanted to change the strategy to the EXACT STRATEGY THAT THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION was proposing anyway. We will succeed! Success has happened! McCain wins Debate!
Obama says he has a fundamental difference. He opposed the war, remember? And we have taken our eye off the ball in Afghanistan. I wish he would say things like: the gains made by the surge have been offset in Afghanistan! The Taliban are growing bolder. THE PAKISTANIS ARE SHOOTING AT US! THEY ARE SHOOTING AT US. Our partners in peace!
McCain says that Obama hates the surge! SURGE SURGE!
Obama goes on a straight up tear, YOU WERE WRONG, YOU WERE WRONG. But McCain isn't taking the bait, saying that Obama doesn't know the difference between a strategy and a tactic. But the opposite is true. And McCain has the Iraq vote resolution wrong! The Iraqis are putting off the election again! They are kicking that can down the road. AGAIN!
Obama's decided to go all in on this one. The strategy is, in his opinion, is the war wise in the first place.
But General Petraeus says that Iraq is the central battleground! Of course, in testimony before the Senate, Ryan Crocker told Joe Biden that it was in Afghanistan! And General Petraeus was standing right there! He didn't say boo about it!
I just found out there is going to be no commercial break! ARGH!
Obama basically has this CRAZY idea that maybe we should actually go and kill the people that attacked us, instead of a bunch of people that had a mean old tinpot dictator whose military capability was such that soup could be brought to a boil on occasion.
McCain won't repeat the mistake of ignoring the Afghans after driving the Russians out. BUT THAT WAS DECADES AGO! McCain also won't threaten Pakistan! Here's where Barack should point out that the Pakistanis are shooting at us! McCain says that Obama should not speak out loud about his secret plans, but that when you have to "do things," then you have to "do things." DIDN'T HE JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD? I sure hope our enemies don't see through McCain's clever ruse of WINKING AND NUDGING.
Obama says that he will not bomb Pakistan. He will bomb terrorists in Pakistan, even if Pakistan won't let us. He brings up BOMB BOMB IRAN, but he should say something like, "I will not give Pakistan a veto over our foreign policy."
GOOD NEWS: All of our Presidents are wearing bracelets. We are heroically accessorizing. We will not suspend our use of costume jewelry.
McCain will be the American Sub-Committee Chairman that America has been waiting for, in America.
QUESTION: What is your reading of the threat from Iran?
McCain says that Iran could touch off a nuclear arms race in the region and threaten Israel. We should not have a second holocaust! TAKE THAT, lobbyists for BIG HOLOCAUST! He thinks we need a League of Democracies, with the support of France and Batman, to "affect Iranian behavior." Iran is forming "special groups" and they are making IEDs in Iraq. ALL OF WHICH IS HAPPENING BECAUSE WE INVADED.
Obama says that Iran has grown more bold as a result of the Iraq invasion! Now he's reading my liveblog! And I've lost my interner connection, so I don't know how that's happening. Obama says that China and Russia need to be a part of affecting Iran's behavior, and that "tough diplomacy" is necessary.
McCain is all, BUT YOU WILL TALK TO AHMADINE-MAD-DINE-AHMEDIJAD. Which legitimizes "illegal behavior." Reagan wouldn't talk to anyone, and neither would I.
Obama points out that Ahmadinejad isn't the most important person in Iran, and that he reserves the right to meet with anyone with American safety on the line. He also points out that Henry Kissinger and the Bush administration agree with his point on this matter. He also points out that North Korea went in the toilet as a result of ending talks. AND MCCAIN DOES A GORE SIGH! And Obama plays the YOU WON'T TALK TO SPAIN CARD. So McCain plays the YOU MADE YOUR OWN PRESIDENTIAL SEAL card. And the SOUTH KOREANS ARE THREE INCHES TALLER card!
When will this end?
The internets apparently heard my plea for this to end and shut down on me. WHILE WE WERE GONE. Russia is bad! McCain knows many people's names! Obama wants to drill, baby, drill, also! McCain supports Nunn-Lugar, and is watching Sebatopol from his front yard. Obama has no problem with nuclear waste! He wants to store it on John McCain's ranch in Sedona, leaving him with only six homes and eleven cars.
QUESTION: Will there be another 9-11?
McCain says it's less likely, and he supports commissions, even when no one listens to them, or adequately funds their proposals, even when passed. Obama says that we are safer, "in some ways." He cites airport security, though, which I think is really a bunch of mularkey. Obama says we aren't spending enough time or money on proliferation, and we need to maybe fight actual terrorists. McCain says that Obama wants us to fail in Iraq, because he apparently thinks al Qaeda has pinned all of their hopes to the idea that we might leave the country. To, uhm...fight them. Yeah, this makes no sense to me.
We are now two minutes over!
Obama says we have weakened our capacity to project our power around the world because of being overextended in Iraq, limited our competitiveness at home, failed to help veterans, and allowed our economy to crater, and that the next President needs to maybe do something about that.
McCain says the Obama has shown poor judgement because he isn't a big Surge-lover. And he compares Obama to Bush, which Obama laughs at, JUST LIKE A DUDE AT KARL ROVE'S COUNTRY CLUB I GUESS. Anyway: Reform, Prosperity and Peace - McCain had the vision to put these words on posterboard. So MCCAIN WINS DEBATE.
Obama jumps to make a closing remark...PRESUMPTUOUSLY! But thankfully! If Obama will unilaterally end this debate, he will be doing the most important thing to stop America from hurting! But before we go, McCain wants to remind you: WAR HERO.
And we're done! Good sweet lady of the night, we are done! Time to get crunk! Only three more of these things until we get to vote. Please vote for one of the Alaskan wolves that Sarah Palin wants to shoot from a helicopter. ONLY A FEROCIOUS WOLFMAN WILL SAVE AMERICA.
Okay. I am not going to Twitter a bunch of comments about the post-debate spin, until such time as I vomit all over my laptop. Good night!