Male Spinsters Become Objects Of Pity

Back in August Details.com kicked off the pity party for male spinsters:

It's 11 a.m. on Sunday, a time that during your single days was reserved for sex or the gym. But for your newly grown-up, coupled-up crowd it means . . . brunch. Now that most of your friends are over 35 and some have children, this kids-'n'-coffee routine is beginning to feel pleasantly familiar. Until he shows up--the guy who's never been married. He's late, fresh from the gym, and accompanied by a woman who's about the same age and build as the aspiring-actress waitress.

You used to envy this man. Sitting there with his hand on a 23-year-old's thigh while he sips his latte, he makes your banana-pancake domestic life feel lame. But lately that guy's beginning to seem--to you, your friends, and your wife--well, kind of creepy. His brazen rejection of the life stage that most of his peers have gotten to is starting to make it look like there's something wrong with him.

Now The London Times concurs:

More and more, "confirmed bachelor" is not a euphemism for "homosexual", but a description of slightly sad blokes who won't give up the game. They think that Guyland is not a state you pass through in your twenties, but somewhere you aspire to live for ever. Women, perhaps rightly, are starting to clock that an unmarried man over 40 is not a playboy, but more likely a loner with serious commitment issues and a huge collection of porn.

Read why blogger Vicky Ward believes women should be wary of the male spinster.

Comments

[SilentShout]

You know, for all you guys talking about how there's a double standard for negative ideas about men ad women, I NEVER see this kind of concentrated vitriol from women about men on the web, and I read a lot of feminist blogs! I see feminists talking about sexism in institutions and the workplace, but not really talking trash about men in specific. I'm sorry if you've been unlucky in love, but sour-grapes misogyny hurts everyone. Do you believe these horrible things about your mothers and sisters?

[angry expat]

As if there were one appropriate way to live.
I love hanging out with my friends and their kids and then going back to my single lifestyle.
It helps create balance in my life and gives me an opportunity to imagine myself doing it too.
When I'm ready.

[GEM-592]

Harsh truth : marriage doesn't solve anything.

[jizzyjaz]

Oh yes! The ubiquitous hypocracy! Unmarried women are liberated, enlightened and righteous. Unmarried men are knuckle dragging losers. Keep it up folks. Society is sure to benefit.

[MadOzbo]

After 40, there's not much damage to be really done, now is there?

It takes DECADES of concentrated effort on BOTH sides to make relationships work.
But, as has been proven through countless studies, MEN are generally more prone to a "me first" attitude, particularly the more they age without having put the effort into relationships, successful or not...

The only harm to society is the young men who are also documented as being more into video games and hanging out, than in working on being responsible and accountable in romantic relationships...But the women are now doing their damnedest to catch up...

[11907281]

I have been "documented" for playing video games and hanging out with my wife of 5 years, does that mean I am irresponsible and unaccountable? The only harm to society is blindly following these traditional cookie cutter Ideals of what 2 people in love should represent. The tone of your email would lead one to believe you have had some bad experiences with men, maybe you should look inside to see what leads you to chose the "bad boys".

"After 40, there's not much damage to be really done, now is there?" - I have no Idea what this means but it sounds scary.

[Synnerman]

As a "confirmed bachelor" Details can go to heck. I do not want children and when love comes I will take it, but I refuse to be some desperate sad sack who just HAS to be in love; who just HAS to have the suburban life.

There is something to be said for simply maintaining a strong framily network. No I did not miss type. When you live far from home, close friends are the only family you sometimes have access too, especially in a crunch. Framily is the family you choose versus the family you're born too

[SilentShout]

A friendly tip: If you want a romantic relationship you have to go out and LOOK for it. It's probably not going to fall in your lap. Good luck!

[kid65]

Citing "Details" as support for her rationale doesn't hit like a fist. After all, "Details" is - ostensibly - a woman's periodical.

This is more about evolution and transition. Right now, men and women can be more independent than at any point in their shared history. It seems we are needing each other less and wanting something more. Achieving the latter can - unfortunately - seem like hitting a baseball.

From 20 to 30 years of age, I lived with and was in love with the "love of my life." I haven't lived with nor been in love with a woman, since. And sometimes I do miss the "everyday" of being with one woman. But, I enjoy my independence, more. Look, love lost means a huge toll exacted, sometimes. And what is commitment or marriage, for that matter? Too often like a business partnership, maybe?

Women are so amazing and beguiling. I enjoy my time with them. It's always my aim they enjoy their time with me. Passion comes pretty close to love, I feel. For me, being a single man over 40 in a world full of independent women, works...quite well.

[Stephen]

Hey gents, if you are enjoying your spinsterhood, prepare for true joy in your dotage. Having gotten the obligatory first marriage over in time not to ruin "the rest of my life," I am now cruising into old age with gratitude in my heart. The "intact relationships" of my peers are 8 times out of 10, either, medicated, alcohol lubricated, bitter battlegrounds, or sad fronts to completely separate lives. The other 2 out of 10 are new marriages.

Those occasional periods of earlier loneliness are more than compensated by the overwhelming sense of having "dodged a bullet." Facing the rest of your life with an ill-tempered baggage, secure in the knowledge that she will either outlive you or get "half." is a terrible price to pay for grudging, mediocre sex and ungrateful kids. (though my children seem to be exceptions -perhaps because I am sort of fun and interesting and my visits are "all about them.") The very word "spinsterhood" seems to define us as losers. How about "freemen?"

[emh]

wow, bitter much?

[LSBeene]

Only if it's not true.

And single women living alone is empowering and liberating ..... double standards much?

[alnc]

Wow, this ariticle just busted me. How did they know me!!!

[KevinLeeAllen]

or he is and would like to remain childfree and has not found a woman who feels the same. We're not all breeders.

[67bug]

Right on!

[MARTYB]

I was married for over 10 years and i can honestly say i HATED it !! Been divorced now for 18 years
and at over 50 don't expect/want to go through that one again, i am very content, my time is my own
and IF i want to share it, there is "usaully" someone to share it with. I can do what i want ,when i want
without having to consult ANYONE and that dear people is PRICELESS to me.

[surg88]

I was single till the age of 34. I'm now 44, married for 10yrs to "the perfect wife and mother."
My advice for single men: MARRIAGE IS A BAD CONTRACT!
Pancakes on Sunday morning? Ur joking? I'll take sipping latte's with some hottie anyday!
When your married Sundays are not a day 4 relaxation, they are a day of chores. Up early, off to church because "the kids need to be in Sunday school." Then it's lunch with the in-laws. I can't tell you how much fun that is!! After your wife makes you pay for lunch it is off to Lowes, mall, IKEA, (never Victoria's Secrets) or some other place she chooses. We must get something of vital importance today because it is on sale. More $. If your lucky, you'll catch the last minutes of the game, but don't take too long, yardwork awaits. Once that is done, you get to help with the laundry and the kids homework.
Marriage has other benefits for men:
Lack of freedom - If you are unhappy with your career, tough, you've got bills to pay.
Sex - whatever. After 10yrs "been there done that" sums it up.
High Stress - Nothing like trying to make ends meet with a wife who thinks a credit card is free $.
Nagging - If you like being nagged than marriage is for you.
You have a lifetime of boring parties to look forward too with her friends, family, etc.
Pancakes anyone?

[joebiz]

I hate to admit that there are authorsn out there wanting to help these lonely women understand the story of their lives by criticizing unmarried guys and those who jilted these women for failing to commit.

Here are some valid reasons why men do not marry:
1) Marriage can be very expensive. Not just the marriage ceremony et al, but the sharing of community property and kids and divorce. Not to mention the opportunity cost or things that one could get or gain in the time that one's married (more money, a better job, more travel, a better woman, more time)

2) Some comedians have quipped that marriage is an institution . . . so who want's to be institutionalized? Others state that marrige extends ones life, but how miserable will you be those extra years??!!

3) Women have become so accessible in providing the things that were once hard to get, namely sex. Men of all ages and incomes can get on craislist and get laid by a young and nubile playmate for under $100. No questions, no ties, no nagging, no dinner, no movies, no cuddling, no gifts, no strings. What a bargain.

4) Sure marriage is great. So why 50-60 percent divorce rates? Why do bachelors have such a great time: Matt Dillon, Vince Vaughn, Jack Nicholson, Jerry Brown (up to a few year ago) Scott Baio, all these bachelors may not have achieved had they been married.

[Tulka2]

Census data in the United States:

Married men live longer than unmarried men. Married women live longer than men married or bachelors, but unmarried women live longest of all.

[Emissary]

Perhaps married men live longer than unmarried men. But they're definitely more willing to die.

[Tulka2]

Ha! No... stats show the old couples get, the happier they report being together.

[Emissary]

Many of the commentors here have made excellent points. A lot of men know full well how incredibly unfair divorce courts are to them, having seen friends go through divorces, and decide marriage is not worth the financial and emotional risks involved.

I'd also like to add that there are plenty of nice, decent guys out there who would genuinely like to get married , but who may have the misfortune to live in an age where far too many women -who should know better- repeatedly chase "bad boys" who treat said women like crap. And sadly, many of these women steadfastly refuse to learn from their mistakes.

[mredder4]

Your second paragraph hits my problem right on. I'm 28, decent-looking (not a troll), constantly employed, living on my own, and I consider myself pretty humorous, but my dating prospects are slim to none. Why? My buddies say I lack "game". I say it's because I'm somewhat hopelessly romantic, still thinking I might find "the one" but growing more cynical each day. I don't want to have to treat women the way that some of these guys that actually "get" women do. I don't want to subtly insult a woman into being so insecure that she'll have to jump into bed with me to feel good about herself. But as long as I've made the effort to be a gentleman, it has not resulted in a successful relationship with a woman that wants the same.

[Emissary]

That is a tough situation: I wish I had concrete answers for you.

I'm not sure how much stock to put in it, but there is a psychologist named Dr. Wayne Glover has some theories on this matter. His web site is: http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/

You might want to have a look and see what you think.

[Canuckistani Peace Lord]

Manipulative Women - Do Not Want!

When it really is! that outfit that makes your behind look fat, instead of 10-20 kilos of self-inflicted, latte-induced cellulite, and when you don't expect me to lie spontaneously about your insecurities just to please you, THEN I will marry ANY of you vain, fretful, shallow cows who need either to trap and change, or to attack, single men.

"Not love" quoth he, "but Vanity, sets love a task like that." ~Sir Walter Raleigh (inventor of the bicycle)

Until then, sweetheart, a man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. Buddha said that. And he was single. :D