Male Spinsters Become Objects Of Pity

Back in August Details.com kicked off the pity party for male spinsters:

It's 11 a.m. on Sunday, a time that during your single days was reserved for sex or the gym. But for your newly grown-up, coupled-up crowd it means . . . brunch. Now that most of your friends are over 35 and some have children, this kids-'n'-coffee routine is beginning to feel pleasantly familiar. Until he shows up--the guy who's never been married. He's late, fresh from the gym, and accompanied by a woman who's about the same age and build as the aspiring-actress waitress.

You used to envy this man. Sitting there with his hand on a 23-year-old's thigh while he sips his latte, he makes your banana-pancake domestic life feel lame. But lately that guy's beginning to seem--to you, your friends, and your wife--well, kind of creepy. His brazen rejection of the life stage that most of his peers have gotten to is starting to make it look like there's something wrong with him.

Now The London Times concurs:

More and more, "confirmed bachelor" is not a euphemism for "homosexual", but a description of slightly sad blokes who won't give up the game. They think that Guyland is not a state you pass through in your twenties, but somewhere you aspire to live for ever. Women, perhaps rightly, are starting to clock that an unmarried man over 40 is not a playboy, but more likely a loner with serious commitment issues and a huge collection of porn.

Read why blogger Vicky Ward believes women should be wary of the male spinster.

Comments

[McJeff]

Lot's o' great posts here.

Kirkland, I doubt there has ever been a Golden Age of Mature Relationships, or Love for that matter. Over and over “mature” women seem to expect men to act the way they want them to, and then criticize and name call, when men behave the way they actually are.

Like you just did. J

I'd wager the majority of marriages that lasted in the past did so due to economic and social conditions. Our models of sex, love, relationships and marriage are rooted in those conditions.

However, conditions in the West have changed enough that marriage is no longer the only route to economic survival. An individual can do quite well, thank you. Have we lost something? Perhaps.

In the meantime, men have been distorted by sex porn (easy sex with no intimacy), and women by romance porn (all those relationship movies that end happily ever after. And we’ve all been confronted with the glaring flaws of the models we have.

However, we have the chance to redefine relationships in a new way. I have no idea how that might work, but given the state of marriage, and love relationships in general, something has to change.

[kirkland]

I venture that i did not vilify men for their nature as you suggest. I'm just thinking critically about the social mess ( which it is - I know few happy single men or women- you only have to do a search at any large dating portal to see the overhwleming numbers of middle aged men ( and women ) seeking lasting partnership to see our brokeness ) which is not the same as being critical.
An idea society is one in which M and W are not enemies. As much as m and W *get together* they're still adversaries for the most part - in todays devolved culture. M and W are different.
The lasting tinge of metrosaexualism is partial subtext in this article. I'm sure your finding that women increasingly aren't available. ( not girls, women )
Those men who don't marry strictly because they're worried about losing economic power ( their money) are absolutely right not to marry. They don't know themselves well enough to partner and this is obvious in their innability to trust and mental objectification. I love men. They love me.
I'm sad for my men friends who haven 't yet found a woman deep enough for them. They are what i call *real men*. They delight in a womans differences. Which includes a womans emotional dependancy upon those whom they love.

[Jasel]

When the divorce rate isn't over 50% and infidelity isn't rampant I might take criticisms of bachelor's for life and spinsters more seriously

[Helzapoppin]

Hell, I'm about to turn 41 and remain single, but I'm no player or Peter Pan wannabe. I'd love to be married and have a family. Now, as soon as I meet a woman I can actually trust who doesn't require daily medication, I'll be the first to sign up.

[Tulka2]

See, that last part...? That's the compassion part about "love".

[Helzapoppin]

I was speaking figuratively. Compassion has nothing to do with it. Just a little weary of meeting women who wind up not being entirely stable. I wish the best for them, of course. I just don't want that kind of unhinged drama in my life.

[kirkland]

Hmmm. This strikes a chord here, apparantly among men. Why are you seemingly delicate about being analysed ? ( or defensive) God knows it comes with the terrtitory if you are a woman.
As modern as we all are it's gotten so that most women would rather not be partnered than endure shallow men ( those men who easily substitute a twenty somthing for a mature woman and not see or appreciate the difference ) or men that lack emotional capacity. We are alive in interesting times.
The sexes are pretty polarized. Despite the plethora of orgasms people are unsatisfied. It's rather odd that the majority of households in our country are comprised of only 1 person. ( according to census statistics ) It sounds like we're defending our anti social or isolationist tendencies and applauding them as progress. It feels devolved to me. There is somthing not very male about the kind of emotional fastidiousness thwarts real connection of the enduring kind - it's indecisive, timid and at worst? Narcissisitic. Men used to define themselves by how well they met their responsibilities. Now they want none . Women used to define themselves by how well their families were tended. Now they often have none. We've lost somthing- both sexes.

[Tulka2]

It began after WWII. It wasn't a plot, but it did serve the needs of producers of goods to have the extended family break into small family units. It's not that mom, dad, kids are gone. It's that mom, sisters, dad, brothers, grandma and grandpa were left behind long ago. The extended family is where happiness lays. But... the marketing ideal became mom and dad and one washing machine for each house, so to speak. One car per. One air-conditioner per. That's what the advertizing promoted as "normal".

How to get ourselves back to the garden? Think on it. Sleep on it. Dream on it.

[NoPCZone]

Some of us are just busy and have not made marriage a priority. Others of us realize that marriage is a thing of the past- the divorce rate shows how few 'happy' couples there really are.

[z78pb45]

This is a classic example of a woman trying to turn an old stereotype of a woman and put it on a modern man to shame him into doing something she and her boring middle aged crowd wants. Men don't use the word "spinster" anymore, Vicky, nor do we mind at all if a woman has never married. But one thing that will never change is the middle aged "mommy" (like Vicky) that wants everyone to do what she wants and thinks is appropriate. She thinks her puritan ways are what's best for everyone. She thinks playing grown means brunches and dinners sipping wines they know nothing about with place settings they learned about on a blog. And they are everywhere. I was at my nephew's little league game recently (Fall baseball for little league...ugh) and I had to walk away from the mom crowd after 15 minutes of mind numbing conversation. And these moms are so into their boys it borders on weird. Modern marriage is flat out weird and a consumer sham and it is nothing to aspire too. NONE of my friends are extremely happy in marriage and they more miserable than their wives suspect. They hate brunches, mommy talk, mommy schedules, mommy gossip...they just hate it all. Women like Vicky have set up this bride/marriage/kids consumer culture that has practically taken over. We don't want any part of it and thankful middle aged women feel the same exact way.

[holyfrak]

Look, the truth is, finding someone special is hard enough, staying with them is even more difficult for many reasons. For one thing, most so called “spinster” guys I know don't see the point of constantly compromising (pretty much the key to staying together) when you can always move on to someone else. If you live in LA like I do (or any big city), there is no shortage of young, beautiful women who think men their own age are a bunch of unwashed morons. The older guy has money, doesn't act stupid, and appreciates having a young woman. The mid-twenty something knows this, and usually finds support among her friends.

But really, here is the bottom line. The male spinster described in the article above knows one thing for sure. When he gets tired of always finding someone new, when he just can't keep up with the 25 year old hotties anymore, there will always be a 35, 37, or 38 year old woman, whose clock is biological clock is ticking very loud, who will be available to him. He could be 48, 50, or older. In the end, he still gets a younger woman and she gets a guy who appreciates her.

So feel sorry for the male spinster if you want to. Just know you’re only making yourselves feel better, because he doesn’t care what you think…. Especially when miss twenty-something is wearing no clothes.

[YellerDawg]

If only happiness could be standardized. What works for one might not work for another.

[Fez]

I am a 61-year old, heterosexual bachelor (another less demeaning term for a single male) and consider myself relatively well balanced. I like kids and play the role of biological uncle to three nephews and nieces and Dutch uncle to another 20-30 kids. I value the family but have chosen not to start one of my own for a variety of reasons. I can assure you that an unmarried man of my age who is not gay and does not have a potato-sized wart on his nose is still the butt of all jokes. This post is a perfect example of the sneering contempt, edged with envy, of those who chose to marry and have children. We're all familiar with the "dirty old man" stereotype, but it is possible to be a healthy contributing member of society without a wife and children. And I hope that we can all continue to work on seeing people for what they do and not their marital status.

[dct1999]

I'm close to 35 and married and I think this whole pitiful male spinster thing is pure bullsh!t. My wife and I have friends and relatives in our age group who are never married, divorced, married, separated, and happily unmarried to their partners.

Why do some married people develop this sickening sense of superiority? And don't get me started on having children. I have 4 and I love them deeply, but parenting is the hardest job in the world. Not everyone wants or needs to be a parent. I think some people should be permanently prohibited from ever having children.

In 2008, why are there still people who think the only appropriate way to go through life is married with children. This is ridiculous.

[brooklyncitizen]

Not everyone SHOULD be a parent...it's healthy to recognize that.

[kirkland]

Bizarre to me but I AGREE. I think a man that hasn't married by say, 40 has not become hooked by design. Is that OK? Sure! That said- men that *get * women and just genuinely get a kick out of them, love them are like women who genuinely *get* men always partner. Why? Life feels a bit more hollow w/o *one* ( a man or woman ) as part of our emotional scheme. Love finds them as they are easily found. People like this are rarely single as they magnetize to the opposaite sex- happily SO. Partnership most natural to them.
The single men that I know desire women who genuninely like men and I am no different- I like men that have no issues with the feminine sex . People like this rarely escape committed partnership at least ONCE . Why? It feels so, seems so NATURAL to them.
While we all want a healthy degree of inter dependance in our relationships a man who has zero taste for *any* ( which comes with committed partnership and is perhaps the one thing that makes most not yet married people squirrely ((or serious baggage)) ) is unattractive to me and is wierd.
It would have to have been a GOAL of theirs- especially in the NE/NY Metro area where single women significantly outnumber men. It's hinky.
Conversely ...I think that women who never married deserve a look also. We are wired to mate. More often than not.

[brooklyncitizen]

Bachelorhood and Spintershood are more common and neither should have a negative label.Frankly while I have friends that are happily married I have friends that seem to have compromised an awful lot to stay together and the whole procreating thing...it's really not for everyone and some people should actually be deterred from reproducing.

For many social reasons it is a challenge to pair up..and people in our society are rather busy....one friend I have is a beautiful woman, single owns her won property, and would have loved nothing better than to be a mom and wife...she is almost 50 and it hasn't happened....I don't know why....but it's kind of common.Big deal. She is still a contributing member of society has lots of friends and is a genuinely stellar person.

[McJeff]

Huff Po posting rules......
I've been married, it was ok, but nothing great. I am now single. Much nicer.
Don't get me wrong, if you are happy being married, then more power to you. It just isn't everyone's cuppa tea, and finally society has changed to accommodate those folks.

Can we have realistic articles about our changing approach to marriage, relationships, sex and so on, rather than this tired rehash from mostly bitter females? Or men who have made the plunge and now, secretly regretting it, are trying to put a good face on a bad decision?
Really.

[McJeff]

It's not the over 35 male who is creepy, this whole thing about bashing them is creepy. So, I am to infer that by 35, all adults (but mostly men) must be married and with kids, or at least in a "relationship", or there is something wrong with them?
Hogwash! This is just more of that Cinderella married female obsessed with relationships B S!
That bit in Details or wherever about "lately he just seems creepy.", sounds to me like sour grapes on the married side. Sorry.
There are a lot of assumptions being made here, such as the married state being the only state there is, or that it is a natural state of affairs, especially for men. It's from that perspective that all this commentary is coming.
So let's see...following this kind of reasoning, unless you are married (with kids is even better) by 35, and unless you stay that way, unless you are seeking only a committed relationship, then there is something wrong with you.
Hogwash again!
What's wrong with being single, or even with pursuing casual, primarily sexual short term relationships?
This is the new puritanism. To paraphrase the old quote, the commentary in the article, and from Vicki Ward reminds me that Puritanism is the "sneaking suspicion that someone, somewhere, may be having a good time."

[mredder4]

I've seen some of the stuff written by women about the myth of the knight in shining armor and all that, and it makes me angry. We didn't go the way of the dodo, ladies, you're just looking in all the wrong places. That, or you don't know how to respond to a man who's making all the effort.

My last girlfriend made me feel terrible for wanting to be a gentleman. She was so intent on being self-sufficient and independent that I felt more like an accessory than a companion or partner. And God forbid if I ever felt like opening up and talking about anything remotely personal. That was grounds for an eye-roll and a "I'll talk to you later, if you're going to be like this" kind of brush-off. Maybe because of a slight age difference my head was just in a more commitment-oriented area than hers, but still. It was a rude lesson in the fact that women don't seem to know what they want, even when they're talking about what they want.

[hoper01]

I use to feel that way before. To the point that when I see a lady disrespected by their "bad-boy" husband or boyfriend, my first thought is that they got what they deserve. Then I realized that it is not a good thing to generalize just because I haven't come across someone who wants the same things that I want. I still haven't, but I am keeping an open mind.

[RevMetheus]

I have a friend at work, she's always chiding the "bad boys" but the two times she has left the company, its the bad boys that she keeps in contact with. Me... not so much, women seem not to care if they ever talk to me again.

I've tried to keep a positive outlook on things, but chivalry is a load of horse manure and cupid comes with his own credit line now.

[rlugbill]

Why should he get married? So his wife can quit her job and run up the credit cards? So, she can go to the local courthouse and have him kicked out of his own house whenever she loses her temper?

So, she can divorce him and keep the house and the kids and force him to pay child support and alimony and she can teach the kids that their father is a bad person?

It used to be that sex was reserved for marriage. Now, it's reserved for singles.

This guy has no incentive to get married. He's already got what he wants and doesn't have to deal with all of the above.