Having An Affair? 10 Things To Address Before You Confess

Today's Times of London has a pretty interesting list of 10 things to think about before you confess to any extra-curricular, um, activities.

While there are always two sides to every coin (and as such, plenty of excuses to be made), we're not sure about some of these arguments. Namely, the opener on the list:

1. Infidelity is not as common as you might think. A 2006 online survey of 46,000 people revealed that one in five married men and one in ten married women had committed infidelity during their marriage (BBC's UK Lovemap).

Hmmm...are they implying that because everybody does it, it might just be OK? This reminds us of the age-old parental wisdom: "If everybody jumped off a bridge, would you?"

That's followed up by a "what they don't know, can't hurt them" tactic - namely, if it was a one-off and you didn't mean it, and (more specifically) there is NO way the other party will ever find out, then maybe mum's the word to keep.

2. If there is no way that your partner will find out about a one-off misdemeanour on a business trip, and you want your relationship to survive, honesty is not necessarily the best policy.

To be fair, they do encourage telling the truth ("if the affair is ongoing and there is a chance that someone else will tell your partner") or if your partner's sexual health is at risk.

And there's also a helpful outline of the "four types of infidelity":

Accidental infidelity (an unintended act of, usually drunken, carelessness); the romantic affair (you meet somebody wonderful while you are going through a big crisis in your life); the marital arrangement (comfort while you avoid dealing with a marriage that won't die and won't recover); and the philanderer (men who continually need their masculinity affirmed, women who are the daughters or ex-wives of philanderers).

And lastly, they cap it all off with a nice little tidbit to remember: The divorce rate among those who marry their lovers is 75 percent. Maybe the grass isn't always greener?

We're curious about your thoughts on this list, and if you have anything to add, so read the whole article here, then come back to share your thoughts!

Comments

[MagisterLudi]

If so many people have affairs, perhpas the whole institution of marriage has to be revised.
My Proposal (only in half jest): Marriage WITH AN EXPIRATION DATE.
Like a lease. Say 5 years. Then the vows can be renewed by mutual agreement... or not. People do grow apart, all the time.

[Theda]

That's a funny photo!

[muypolitico]

Having had friends and acquaintances who have been on either side of the cheating fence, I will say that what I have mostly heard from all of them is never confess. And never admit unless you are faced with evidence that is absolutely incontrovertible.

If you want to stay in your marriage, figure out why you strayed and try to work on that with your spouse and keep your guilt to yourself. And based on what I have heard from my divorced friends, they would prefer not to have known about their ex's affair. Instead, most of them would have felt better if their former spouse simply focused on the things that were not working and that they thought could not be resolved.

A friend of mine had a "funny" divorce. She and her husband were considered by all their friends the best example of a happy marriage and happy family. Then one day, her husband wanted to surprise her. He wanted to spice things up, so he drove her to one of those motels that cater to those who need extra privacy. As they were driving in, her habit of quietly talking to herself kicked in just as her husband turned off the car stereo. Unfortunately for her, he heard her say: "gee, that new paint job did improve the facade." A few minutes later she was to have the most expensive taxi ride of her life.

[Swerinjer2]

If you are cheating then you shouldn't be married.

[Theda]

John McCain's first wife agrees!

[MagisterLudi]

GROAN. Aren't there enough political threads for you elsewhere?

[AdamX]

there "online" statistics are WAY off. First of all, at least in this country, more than 1 in 5 have "cheated". Next, statistically, it is a known fact that married women cheat more than married men.

Discuss!

[MagisterLudi]

It doesn't matter in the least which gender cheats more, or less. What matters is how we handle the situation personally. It is never easy to deal with it.
However, in some cultures certain kinds of affairs are more acceptable.
For instance, both the wife AND the mistress of French Prez Mitterrand were present at his funeral. There was some notice of that in European papers. I was in Germany at the time. I remember "Stern" magazine mentioned it in passing.
Not sure what the reaction was in U.S.

[joebiz]

Never, never admit. 'Cause if you are "forgiven," you will be reminded of your indiscretion for years to come and you will hear and feel the wrath in a very passive agressive and agressive way. You will NOT be rewarded for your honesty. Even if you came close but no sex, never never admit!

Women who are having affairs are like Tarzan, they will swing for another vine and not let go of the one in hand until they grasp the next. This means that more than likely, she will leave you for another man/woman when a woman has an affair.

[Jasel]

Sorry but your mentality seems pretty warped. Why should you be "rewarded" for being honest about cheating on someone you care about?? And sorry but the pain in the relationship comes with the territory of being involved in the affair in the first place. If you decide to stay in the affair the constant reminders and "wrath" that you experience are purely the result of your own actions. And aren't even necessarily undeserved.

[joebiz]

Thanks for the reply. If a person in a relationship gets to the point to have to cheat on their mate, then there is a problem with the cheater. Some would say the relationship. But, I'll lay all the blame on the cheater.

Many men believe that "honesty is the best policy" and being candid about sexual encounters and daliances will somehow make things better, they don't. The agrieved party will be constantly reminded of the potential for instability in the relationship that was supposed to have been based on trust and mutual respect. Having this perceived grievance may make some uneasy and thus lash out towards the cheater. Sure, they deserve it.

The best thing to do is not cheat. If you do, then stop, don't do it again, and keep it to yourself. If one can't do that, then terminate the relationship.