UPDATE: The real John McCain with Tina Fey as Sarah Palin on QVC on November 1
Thursday's "Saturday Night Live" election special welcomed Will Ferrell back playing President Bush in the opening sketch, with Ferrell's Bush offering an unwanted endorsement for the McCain- Palin ticket. The sketch was cowritten by Adam McKay and also starred Tina Fey as Sarah Palin meeting Bush for the first time.
As Ferrell's Bush puts it, the election is between "the hot lady and the Tiger Woods guy" and "I'm out of here in a few months, so screw it." He has also declared the White House a "bummer-free zone."
WATCH: (or scroll down for longer transcript)
PREVIOUS FEY SKETCHES:
Sarah Palin on SNL along with Tina Fey playing her, plus a bonus Alaska rap
Tina Fey as Sarah Palin With Hillary Clinton
Tina Fey as Sarah Palin With Katie Couric
Tina Fey as Sarah Palin in the VP debate
Tina Fey talks about Sarah Palin's voice to David Letterman
MORE FERRELL/BUSH FEY/PALIN TRANSCRIPT:
WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH - "Hello, my fellow Americans. I have chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night because quite frankly every time I speak during the day, the Stock Market goes in the crapper. So, sorry, Asian markets. You take the hit on this one. I come to you tonight in the midst of a very important election between two very qualified candidates: the hot lady and the Tiger Woods guy. Both candidates are heavily patriotized and display much characterization. And yes, I did have three Xanax and a Silver Bullet about a half-hour ago. I'm out of here in a few months, so screw it. But before I leave I wanted to help Sarah Palin and John McCain by giving them what every candidate wants most: a prime-time heavily publicized network endorsement from George W. Bush. Hey, don't pinch yourself John, you are awake!"
FERRELL AS BUSH (CONT'D) -- "Now I tried to do this several months ago but somehow it kept getting pushed to a written press release or a shouted sentence as I walked to the helicopter. I began to suspect that they didn't want my endorsement to be too public. But now with the country on a big upswing and my numbers on the rise, I thought it was time to give a proper, large scale 'much love' to McCain and Palin..."
(WILL FORTE, as an AIDE enters and whispers in BUSH's ear)
FERRELL AS BUSH (CONT'D) - "What? Really? Why didn't you tell me Jeff? I've just been told by my trusted aide Jeff, that the country is actually in a horrible downward spiral and that my approval numbers are lower than ever. That one's on me. Four months ago, I declared the Oval Office a bummer-free zone. So... You know what, let's bring on Senator McCain and Governor Palin."
(TINA FEY as GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN enters smiling and waving and sits next to BUSH on the front the desk)
TINA FEY AS GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN - "So nice to meet you, Mr. President. I've seen you on TV."
FERRELL AS BUSH - "Where's McRage?"
FEY AS PALIN - "You know, John McCain and I have been so busy travelin' around this great country of ours talkin' about change and energy independence and William Ayers, and doin' a little shoppin', but unfortunately Senator McCain, upon hearing you wanted to give him a super public endorsement, cannot be found. He was last seen travelin' on foot through the Adirondacks. But my husband and two of his drinkin' buddies are in pursuit on snowmachines.
FERRELL AS BUSH - "Well, We'll smoke him out. George Bush always finds his man save for one huge exception."
FEY AS PALIN - "We are gonna get 'er done."
FERRELL AS BUSH - "My God you are folksy."
FEY AS PALIN - "Why thank you Mr. President. I like to think I'm one part practiced folksy , one part sassy and a little dash of high school bitchy."
FERRELL AS BUSH - "For a little while I was trying to be folksy but after a bit, it just came off douchey. All right, let me get into my endorsement for you as Vice President. As you know America, the office of Vice President is the most important office in the land. The Vice President decides when we go to war, how we tax the citizens and how we interpret the Constitution. The President can do nothing without checking with the Vice President. That is why Sarah Palin..."
FEY AS PALIN - "Actually, Mr. President, I don't want to go all Katie Couric on you, but I think it's actually the other way around. I think the Vice President reports to the President."
FERRELL AS BUSH - "Really? That's not what Dick Cheney told me when he sat me down on the first day."
(DARRELL HAMMOND as SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN is brought in, struggling with JASON SUDEIKIS as TODD PALIN in a snowsuit.)
SUDEIKIS AS TODD PALIN - "We out-mavericked the maverick!"
HAMMOND AS MCCAIN - "Good evening, my friends. Mr. President, always a pleasure."
FERRELL AS BUSH - "Good to see you, John. Hey let's get a photo of this; it'll really help your campaign out. Now let me do this: I, George W. Bush, endorse John McCain and Sarah Palin with all my heart..."
(MCCAIN tries to drift out of frame but is pulled back by BUSH)
FERRELL AS BUSH (cont'd) - "John was there for me ninety percent of the time over the last eight years. When you think of John McCain, think of me, George W. Bush. Think of this face. When you're in the voting booth, before you vote - picture this face right here. A vote for John McCain is a vote for George W. Bush.
(to MCCAIN) You're welcome. So, I want to be there you, John for the next eight years."
FEY AS PALIN -The next sixteen years!
FERRELL AS BUSH - (to an off-camera photographer) "Let's get a safety. I think I blinked on that last shot. Thumbs up, everybody. But most of all I support them because...Live from New York...It's Saturday Night!!!!
AP on Ferrell's SNL Bush return