O'Reilly's War On Christmas Goes Retail

You know, as I walked up into the CVS across the street from my apartment a few days ago and saw the store festooned with Christmas decorations, I had two thoughts. First, I thought, "November 3rd! That's not so bad, actually!" And indeed, it wasn't: in previous years, area stores had their Christmas decor up before Halloween. But then I had another realization: namely, that the coming of the Christmas decorations brought an ill Yuletide wind along with it - the annual mindfrack that is Bill O'Reilly's War On Christmas.

It basically works like this. We live in a capitalist society, and consumer spending tends to increase during the Christmas season. To avoid alienating any customers during that peak period, many retailers have their cashiers say "Happy Holidays," because why not be nice? For centuries and centuries, this was totally fine with everybody because it made a lick of good sense. Then, one year, a bunch of feckless dimwits came to an extraordinary conclusion - saying "Happy Holidays" was "politically correct," and everyone who practices Christianity had the right to expect a complete stranger to recognize them as a Christmas practitioner by sight and specifically wish them "Merry Christmas," or else IT WAS WAR. Obviously, this latter position is the one you want to build an entire society around.

Bill O'Reilly has been, on a yearly basis, one of the most fervent and shrill public figures, wailing about the supposed War On Christmas, because he is precisely dumb enough to believe that Christianity, which has enjoyed an unprecedented run of absolute, total success in the United States - such that every single person who's run the country has been a Christian (and such that it's the only religious holiday in the world that's allowed to put their decorations up TWO MONTHS IN ADVANCE) - is actually fundamentally threatened each time a shop clerk opts to say "Happy Holidays." O'Reilly likes to cast himself as some sort of speaker of truth to power, but it's really all about his pinheaded sense of victimhood. Everyone else in the world needs to do O'Reilly a favor each Christmastime, despite the fact that Fox and News Corp. themselves fully embrace the use of "Happy Holidays."

Anyway, this has been a persistent fetish of O'Reilly's, and it never fails to make a mockery of people all over the world who truly are experiencing genuine religious oppression. Well that mockery has expanded into a retail division of its own, because now, if you buy O'Reilly's book A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity (which we remind you is an anagram for "Shameful, Bona-Fide Hypocrite"), you get one of these bumper stickers:

Stick it on your car and enjoy the perplexed looks from other motorists. I do love the pair of Fleur de Lis that bracket the text. Makes for a nice "unexpectedly swish" touch.

Comments

[FabulousAt52]

Someone asked; "Who listens to Bill O anyway?"

Well apparently lots of people do, because every year as I drive around my fairly small town on the New Jersey shore, I see more and more lawn signs incorporated into the glaringly garish, electricity eating, wholly overdone, multicolored, costly and unnecessary lighted Christmas displays that read:

"LET'S PUT CHRIST BACK IN CHRISTMAS!"

The irony never fails to amuse me....

[PJC27]

since the started this whole insane "War" I refuse to buy even a card that says Christmas on it. Never will send one again.
And FYI- all those cards they send to the ACLU (who was never involved in an anti-Xmas campaign) -they decorate their offices with them. What could be better than getting thousands of cards. They love it, so keep em coming.

[richirwin]

I don't know your religious affiliation or tradition.

So when I see you during the holiday season, I will wish you "Happy Holidays."

It is not my intent to offend. It is my intent to include and to offer sincere holiday wishes.

However, if my "Happy Holidays" is some how not good enough for you, then here's what I wish you...

"Go screw yourself. And it is my most sincere hope that someone you love dies on Christmas day, so that from that day forward you will think of that sad event."

Don't turn my most sincere well-wishes into something ugly.

[MajorKong]

"everyone who practices Christianity had the right to expect a complete stranger to recognize them as a Christmas practitioner by sight and specifically wish them Merry Christmas"

I especially like when they say it like Clint Eastwood staring down a gun barrel.
"I dare you not to say Merry Christmas back - punk!"

[justoverit333]

Happy Holidays covers everything - Jewish holidays,
Christmas, New years. Get ovrer it O'Reilly. What a
silly argument. Most people can't afford Christmas
this year anyway.

[RobinLandseadel]

Oh Yeah! Every year, as copies of "Mr. Hankey's Christmas" begin to appear, I pull out my best "Dirty Harry" voice and recite: "You better watch out. . . . . .You better not pout. . ."

[spartanmom]

I say "Happy Solstice"

[Betsie]

Everytime a hand reaches out to help another… that is Christmas

Every time someone puts anger aside and strives for understanding … that is Christmas

Everytime people forget their differences and realize their love for each other … that is Christmas

Author ~ Anonymous

I am sure another religious day's name could be inserted their instead of Christmas.

[Monkeytime]

O'Reilly makes it kind of a bummer to say Merry Christmas. His buffoonery imbues an otherwise nice seasonal greeting with a "partisan" flavor.

Now, during the holidays when I reflexively say Merry Christmas to a stranger, I worry that that person thinks I'm targeting them as a soldier in the war on Christmas.

It never would have occurred to me.

[realpolitic]

"Anyway, this has been a persistent fetish of O'Reilly's, and it never fails to make a mockery of people all over the world who truly are experiencing genuine religious oppression." Very insightful! O'Reilly's percieved war on Christmas, which is designed as a ratings tool, does make a mockery of those who face real religious persecution in their land. I mean, in America there is almost a church every few blocks. Christianity is hardly oppressed here.

Of course, as usual O'Reilly steps all over the spirit of the time of year to make cheap political points that divide us. He should focus on those who are hungry, or those who have shown a good deal of kindness to others. O'reilly is a lost demagogue.

[zer0rez]

BillO? Focus on those that are hungry? Hell, he went on air saying that he'd personally make sure that no veteran is sleeping outside. And when those veterans came to him, he just ducked for cover and sent his goons. BillO is a first class example of what is NOT a Christian.

[realpolitic]

Yea, I guess my statement went way too far. Your point is right. First Billo denied homeless veteran's existed. Then said he would house them. Then say well they were homeless because they were crazy or drug addicted. Then sent his goons to turn away those who came to accept his offer of housing. Of course, he has not mentioned it again. How does this man sleep at night?

[Hatsone]

In Bill O'Reilly's mind, the only way he can justify that he is worth his new salary increase is to create even greater divisions among his fellow Americans. Unfortunately, this is the life that he has chosen. What Bill O still does not realized is that we are a wonderful nation of immigrants with varying holiday traditions and interests. I like dressing up for the Indian Diwali celebration. I enjoy eating braided cinnamon-raisin challa bread during Hanukah. I cherish gift giving with love ones on Christmas day. A delicious slice of sweet potato pie and a thought-provoking book make Kwanzaa a special day. Drinking gallons of green beer with friends on St. Patrick's Day can be a blast. When someone wishes you happy holidays, they are actually paying you respects, giving credence to your holiday tradition. In your mind, you can fill in the blanks for your own chosen holiday tradition and be thankful that people care enough to reach out to you with kindness and friendship. Much Love and Happy Holidays to All!

[realpolitic]

O'Reilly contrives all stories so there is a good guy and bad guy. Stories with no one to demonize he ignores.

[spartanmom]

Oh, come on, there is always someone to demonize!

He even manages to demonize the good guys if they disagree with him

[morbie5]

There is a war on Christmas. In my school district you can't even have a Christmas party anymore because the hindus get mad.

If they are so offended maybe they should go back to india.

[darium bound]

Doesn't your (and every other) school district get Christmas off every year? The "war on Christmas" is a joke.

[realpolitic]

Spoken like a true O'Reilly fan.

[DCCommuter]

Wow. I wonder if you are a Republican. No mystery there.
The Republican way of thinking thesedays seems to be:
we don't care what the world thinks of us
we don't care what gays think or Jews think or Hindus think or Blacks think or Hispanics or the college kids or the elites or the East Coast or the West Coast.
pretty soon there will be no one left in the GOP but evangelicals

[aliceinthewater]

In your image of the "War on Christmas" does Santa get candy cane Uzi?

[spartanmom]

You want elementary school kids to fight for the right to party?

[Harry Scrote]

Damn and I'm not even armed for the war on Thanksgiving yet.

[imsosure]

Everyone does realize that O'Reilly is not as influential or important as to deserve any coverage in the HuffPo, Right? You know he's a perverted bigot with misogynistic tendencies and a hate filled fear mongering as a source of motivation, right?

That he's finally, almost quiet and this is a good thing. . . he may even take his toys and go home if we're lucky.

[mad as heck]

I used to work in a store. Around the holidays there's already plenty of stress. "Happy holidays" was a nice, inclusive solution until this movement started. After getting hassled about the H word, I just gave up saying anything about the season. How about these people meditate on the real meaning of the Christmas that's supposedly so important to them? You know, that part about peace on earth and good will to all.

[pons1595]

It's the great hypocrisy, not peace on earth and good will to all; that's a purposeful mistranslation. It's peace on earth to men of good will. Only folks whose will is good, or in other words, doing God's will, will have peace. That's why the hypocrisy of that saying never sits well with intelligent folks. Peace...never see it, even during the great hypocritical and crass materialism of American Xmas culture. Merry, Macy's Xmas, you'all.

[aliceinthewater]

I love the fact that the day after the most historic election in American history, Bill-O starts his war on Christmas.

It's like he wanted to change the subject or something...

[aliceinthewater]

Okay I just caught the fact that there are Fleur De Lis on both sides of his bumper sticker.

I can't stop laughing. It's a bit much. I mean I KNEW the guy was a hypocrite, but really.... does it have to be THIS obvious? I mean... you think someone at Faux would have caught that. Or.... perhaps they did catch it, laughed, and let it go to print anyway.

[realpolitic]

Billo is so predictable. i thought he said he was going to retire his war on Christmas. It is so old.

[JScott]

Oh those FRENCH Fleur De Lis, and just a while ago they were whining about changing FRENCH fries to Freedom Fries.