02/06/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

'Fairness Doctrine': Ann Coulter Joins Paranoia Festival

So, I get emails from Ann Coulter now. And terrifyingly, these emails detail the dreams she has, at night. my dream it was 12 noon, so naturally I tuned in for my daily dose of conservative news and commentary from the greatest political talk show host in the history of radio.

As I imagined one half of a giant brain being tied behind a familiar back, just to make it fair, the familiar bass notes from "My City Was Gone" throbbed, and the announcer's voice boomed...

"Ladies and gentleman... in accordance with Fairness Doctrine broadcasting regulations... here's AL FRANKEN!"

I woke up screaming. But then I realized it was just a bad dream.

Or was it?

The next big "bailout" planned by Obama, Reid, Pelosi and pals is... THE BAILOUT OF LIBERAL TALK RADIO.

Conservative talk radio drives liberals crazy -- or, rather, it drives them crazier. They think it's unfair that more people want to listen to conservative talk radio than to liberal talk radio.

Ah, me. Apparently dear old Ann has decided to jump on board the 'Fairness Doctrine' Paranoia Bandwagon. As I have correctly termed it, this is a "fake, right-wing firestorm" over the shadows of the ghosts of nothing. To review: Barack Obama is opposed to the Fairness Doctrine. Several key Democratic legislators also oppose it. Over one hundred Democratic Representatives, given the opportunity to vote in favor of bringing it back last year, instead opposed it. Media reform advocates oppose it. The founder of Air America Radio opposes it. Heck, I oppose it! The only legislator who seems willing to put their name behind an effort to resuscitate the Fairness Doctrine is a woman named Anna Eshoo, U.S. Representative from California's 14th District. So, things look pretty bad for the Fairness Doctrine! Naturally, I could be wrong in my analysis, and, if so, I'd be happy to buy Coulter a sandwich or something.

I also love this part of Coulter's email:

Sure, conservative radio hosts have a built-in audience unavailable to liberals: people in cars on their way to some sort of job. We "crazy right-wingers" call that a competitive environment. Liberals hate that kind of environment - because they lose.

Seems to me that the 2008 election could be charitably described as "a competitive environment."

Anyway, Coulter has problems these days. She's worried about the future opportunities of conservative talk radio when she should be concerned about the future content of conservative talk radio. And she's beefing with NBC News, who sorta kinda bumped her for Perez Hilton on the Today show. More and more, however, these problems have to do with her ever-diminishing relevance. Let's face it, she's been dining out for years now on the same set of grievances, skating by on an ever-escalating series of book titles, describing Democrats as Treason and Godless and Guilty. Forthcoming: Blood-Soaked Gore Mongers.

But, look. If anything, this tiny tempest over NBC is working to the benefit of all parties, as its focused attention on Coulter again while ensuring that any future tete-a-tete with the Today show will be watched by more looky-loos than would have otherwise. Really, the "liberal" media has been a good friend to Coulter, promoting her as a legitimate "thinker" instead of someone who'd be better off under anesthesia. When you think about it, the greatest gift her literary works have ever received has been from the left, who've regularly thumbed their way through her books with a red-eyed intensity, spending time and labor in an effort to dutifully debunk them when they could have been advancing their own ideas instead.

Maybe this time around, the MediaMatterses of the world will refrain from such efforts, because really, there's your "Fairness Doctrine," right there.