Ted Haggard's Wife, Gayle, Discusses Husband's Same-Sex Attraction

CHICAGO — Former evangelical pastor Ted Haggard's wife says she knew about his struggles with same-sex attraction for years and felt he was "winning the battle" before a scandal involving a male prostitute triggered his downfall in late 2006.

Gayle Haggard makes the remarks in an appearance with her husband on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" to air Wednesday. She said she was shocked when Haggard first told her the truth about the allegations against him.

"The first words out of my mouth were, 'Who are you?'" she said, according to a publicity release issued Tuesday by Harpo Productions.

However, Gayle Haggard also said her husband told her early in their 30-year marriage that he "struggled with some thoughts."

"I felt it was the thing that could destroy Ted if he gave in to it," she said. "So I prayed for him and I felt as though he was winning the battle."

Haggard, 52, resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals and New Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colo., after the male prostitute went public. Haggard confessed to "sexual immorality."

The scandal widened in recent days with disclosures that Haggard also admitted to an "inappropriate" relationship with a church volunteer, Grant Haas, who was 22 at the time.

Haas told KRDO in Colorado Springs that Haggard performed a sex act in front of him and sent him illicit text messages. He informed New Life Church shortly after the scandal broke, and the two parties reached a settlement in 2007 that included a confidentiality agreement. Haas went public as Haggard is heavily promoting an HBO documentary about his time in exile.

Comments

[rjcrawford33]

So, I guess he's not trying hard enough?

Maybe she just has to decide if she can reconcile herself to his nature, determines where he wants to put it.

[solarian]

why did you stay married was it the money

[canadiansoccermom]

That is unfair. Some believe in marriage for better or worse. They also believe that you can pray it away.
This is a very good reason for people to live and let live. Many families have been torn apart and men or women have been forced to live a lie because of society not accepting homosexuality.

[JGC1010]

I think for some people, there is a financial incentive to "pray it away".

[TheBlackCat]

This is really too bad.

My husband's uncle came out of the closet a few years ago. My husband's family are Southern Baptists from the rural south, so we expected a huge fallout from this. However, we were pleasantly surprised.

Although his family struggled with it at first, they ultimately decided to have more faith in their own family than the words of a preacher. They KNEW this man, they knew him well (very close family), they KNEW he wasn't immoral, or disturbed, or sinful, or wicked, or promiscuous, or any of the other things homosexuals are supposed to be.

Despite an intial hard time, things are now great. When I go to visit my husband's relatives, I see photos of his uncle with his life partner proudly displayed on the mantle along with other family photos. His parents refer openly to their son's partner to their church friends with no shame in their voices. They still are VERY religious and all still go to church...just now with the mindset that maybe their preacher doesn't know everything.

They could have denied him, rejected him, pressured him to be "cured"...and it would have torn their family apart. Instead they just simply decided that their loved one was more important to them than religious dogma, and they are a very happy and in tact family because of it.

[ramal]

Just two more life's ruined by the homophobia and bigotry of organized religion.

[Faxus]

So many Gay men are raised to deny their homosexuality. They are encouraged to marry women and start families and they are expected to keep up the charade while all around them their heterosexual peers are enjoying their straight affairs regardless of the consequences. The messages are confused and depressing. I really feel sorry for Haggard and his family but living in a closet is no way to live. This is why it is so important for Gay men and Lesbians to be OUT. We need to set a lifestyle example for our closeted community. I don't understand why heterosexuals feel so threatened by homosexuality. We are a tiny minority and all we want are our civil rights and our human dignity. Ted Haggard is a stark example of what is wrong with our society and the consequences of the heartless and dishonest way it treats minorities.

[dm10003]

my gay friends who are divorced and out parents and grandparents are liked SO MUCH BETTER by their children AFTER they came out because they are HAPPIER people. the fact that they created children they love under societyal pressure and subjected them to divorce is no simple subject, so i will acknowledge those problems without commenting on them.)

[Motorinstructor]

The Church has no choice in the matter if they want to follow the scriptures. The Bible says that homosexual sex goes against nature. Read it in Romans Chapter 1. Following what the Bible says is not always easy but there is great reward for those who heed God's word; if not in this life then in the life to come.

[JGC1010]

Does Jesus say that? Remember him? Isn't He the reason people call themselves Christian? I don't know, but maybe "Christians" ignore the words of Jesus at their own peril.

[iowa gal]

Since the Bible must be read completely and literally how's Deuteronomy 22 working out for you?

Are you wearing "diverse cloth" --- say, cotton and wool at the same time. That's an abomination.

A woman who marries and is not a virgin --- stoned a woman to death lately?

How does the fringe on the corners of your clothing look?

Been to Red Lobster lately? No shellfish for good Christians. (Leviticus)

Know any adulterers? Better get some rocks because they must be stoned to death.

If you truly mean what you say about the Bible then you must be prepared to take all of it literally and not just the parts that suit your own personal opinion.

Sorry bud, but you can't have it both ways.

[iowa gal]

As for going "against nature"----- it is my nature to be a lesbian.

To try to be straight would definitely be going against my nature. Been there, done that.

[MoeJava]

most heterosexuals aren't frightened - the blame lies squarely on the un-intelligent and hypocritical, which can be of any stripe.

[MizLiz]

This poor woman is so far in denial she's likely to drown. Her husband is GAY, not "struggling". In other words, she's been used as a beard for decades. Maybe she can't support herself and that's why she's stayed in the marriage all these years. (I sure wouldn't) I understand that ultra-religious people have a hard time accepting this.

[MoeJava]

false pride keeps most beards in their place. being a subservient wife with no jobs skills outside the home, or education about the *real world*, surely helps keep them afraid and immobile.

or it could be the community response - if they are likely to be judged or shunned within their church, it makes this transition even harder.

[NotBeatenYet]

Wait just a cotton-picking minute! What about "pray away the gay"?

[bobbysgurl]

The fine print clearly states, you can "pray away the gay" if you are in the congregation and not the leader of the congregation. It is the reason Haggard "struggled" so.(llol)

[martinchill]

i think gayle is saying that they tried that. didn't work.

[indy girl]

oooh, there's just a teeny little inconveeeeenient problem with that......like, it doesn't work.

[mikatollah]

Haggard is a homosexual who was so damaged by his parents and his church that he probably never had a chance for a normal life. Sadly, he channeled his anger and energy into oppressing and controlling others for status and money, and for that he should not be easily forgiven.

He is obviously still in denial, and he is being enabled by his wife and church members who are convinced his behavior is a lifestyle choice. Poor Ted... you could almost feel sorry for him if his conduct wasn't so hurtful to gays.

[martymartymarty]

"Struggle with same-sex attraction" is an irresponsible phrasing. Straight people already can never understand what it is like to grow up gay, calling it a "struggle" perpetuates their mistaken notion that somehow we choose this and could choose to be otherwise. Haggard's "struggle" was not with his orientation, it was with how he was going to live his life with it, he chose dishonesty and self-deception, and chose actions which endangered himself and his family both emotionally and physically. What bothers me most about this whole sordid thing is that people in general will continue to think that how Haggard is is how being gay is, and that is so not the case. Being gay in general requires a lot more daily bravery than Haggard could ever understand.

[SpoxLogic]

I agree with you, marty. I never understood those people who claim that homesexuality is a choice. I mean who would ever choose to be something that garners so much trouble? Who would want to be ostracized, beaten, etc?

IMHO, homesexuality is a natural thing, and we shouldn't demonize people for just being human. I wonder how much happier Haggard would have been, if being gay was not considered an abomination?

[ignorantwillyharper]

You know the bible calls it an abomination, but abomination isn't called a sin.

[galib101]

Thanks marty....great post.

[pepperdude]

It is a struggle within a heterophoric society since one's first response to one's feelings is to silence, deny, repress them. As a married man myself, I understand exactly what he is going through. I don't physically cheat on my wife because I have enormous respect for her body. I will not be guilty of infecting her with any disease. I have somehow for now managed to control my sexuality rather than surrendering to or being enslaved by it. After all, I am not a teenager. Notwithstanding my history we made a conscious choice to get married, in full view of the probable consequences.

[omo]

I respect your response. Someday we will understand that what human beings are is really frequency transducers. Some humans are wired to receive 'same sex frequencies'. Most are not. If you don't receive them you cannot understand them. I follow all of that. BUT my question is : where are these frequencies generated, why, and who benefits from our being 'tuned in' to them ?

My experiences on the fringes of gay male culture have led me to the conclusion that there is a very dark and even malevolent vibe associated with much gay behavior. It is able to 'cloak itself' and present as something other than what it is. As you say, you do not want to 'surrender or be enslaved to' your sexuality. This is a bigger issue for the gay community (and any other sexual community which fundamentally believes that 'what we do sexually does not matter') than they are willing to admit . . .

Why are gays so very vituperative towards those who have, for whatever reason, left that lifestyle ?

[jpopphan]

Ahem.

Using the phrase "struggle with same-sex attraction" is an insult to the millions of gay and lesbian Americans who have to deal with bigotry and ignorance every day. This phrase is evangelical code that portrays homosexuality as a pesky problem that should be overcome, not the natural sexual orientation that we know it to be.

Huffington Post should know better. Stop using the right-wing's code words, at least without putting them in quotations.

Ted Haggard is a HOMOSEXUAL who has fooled his poor wife and himself for years. Because of the anti-gay hate that is so common in evangelical/fundamentalist circles, Haggard chose to live a lie instead of having the courage to be who he really is. I can't decide if I despise him or feel sorry for him.

This interview with Haggard's wife is part of the ongoing process to rehabilitate Haggard and try to get him back in the graces of the professional homo-haters who dominate his church. Ted needs help, but he ain't gonna get it from them or his wife.

[ramal]

Well said!!!!

[phlashba]

BRAVO! You said exactly what I was thinking! Of course, pretending to be something you are not would always be a "struggle". Huffpo I will await your article that uses the phrase "struggle with heterosexuality". Until then....try to be aware of what you are printing!

[ptobe]

EXACTLY.

My thoughts exactly. The man's true struggle is with acceptance of who he really is. This is what happens when ignorance and repression rule the day.

[martinchill]

it's an Associated Press article.
thank HuffPo for bringing it to you.

[AlexNYC]

I don't believe he can overcome same sex attraction anymore than I can overcome opposite sex attraction. Sexuality is hard-coded, it can't be rewritten, certainly not with prayer.

[SensibleJoe]

Why is it these "Christians" with preexisting psychological or sexual problems feel compelled to start their own churches, wield leadership over others and make big money off the faithful? Have they no humility or honesty about themselves? Back in the day, Christians with problems like that fled to the desert, lived as hermits and struggled with their temptations and demons in solitude without making a dime off religion or posing as something they were not. They admitted they were sinners and worked with it. Not so with today's breed of "evangelical"!

[2bad]

Hey Joe, I'll be very surprised if you don't get some push-back for calling this guys true self "psychological or sexual problems" or "admitted they were sinners".

I'm just saying!

[DickTater]

All the more reason to beware a preacher. Anyone think Joel Osteen doesn't have "issues"?

[LorettaSingbiel]

or Stephen Bennett Ministries ...

Who does he think he's kidding?

[Topsailsman]

Back in the day????? Do you have any grasp of history? Of the popes who had stables of prostitutes? Of the many priests who engaged in homosexual activity? Of the drunkenness of the clergy?
The problem with the Christian church, going all the way back to the beginning, is hypocrisy, pure and simple. They have always tormented others while hiding their own "sins". They have always loved money and performed intricate tricks to fleece the flock. Read your Bible, Joe. Jesus said "take out the log in your own eye before you remove the speck in the eye of another". Jesus said "let him who is without sin cast the first stone". Never has the church obeyed these words. There was no "back in the day", just a long sad history of hypocrisy and oppression.

[cloudmaker]

Sadly, even those who pretend to understand the gay experience haven't a
clue. The test below strengthens all the cliches about being gay: Streisand,
nice clothes, not interested in "male" things. I have been gay all my life.
Love Westerns, war films, and yes, Broadway shows. I have no interest
in fashion, gourmet cooking, Barbara Streisand albums or suggesting
makeup tips for my female friends. I can't dance, cut my own hair, and
would be bored to death by a gay bar. Love sex with men. Find straight
men and women to be wonderful friends and have never felt ostracized
for my preference. My wish is that even these so-called liberals stop thinking
in terms of clliches. They are no more help in changing the nation's attitude
than the most rampant bigot.

[jsomerville5]

Haggard looks like Tom Cruise on that picture on the wall.

[indy girl]

so there's something else they have in common!

[americanalien]

Why are Republicans so secretly gay?

[wagthedog1001]

Good question. They lie to themselves and others on a number of different levels and seem to be too stubborn to be able to admit to change or ever being wrong about things. This all leads to some pretty uptight, twitchy, dysfunctional, and anti-social people.

[MizLiz]

If you;ve been preaching hatred and intolerance all your life, how can you suddenly admit the truth and come out? They're trapped in a mess of their own making.

[ReallyMe]

So, the wife misses the attention of their previous life, the money, the fame or what exactly.
Otherwise, why would she be actively assisting in trying to rehabilitate his reputation...

Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-gay. I am anti hypocrit.

[lovethehuff]

I think she, like many evangelicals, believe that homosexuality is something that can be "fixed." Us sensible people don' t see it as an affliction or a choice. We know that it isn't and that there is no magic cure all nor do we want to see one.

Also, I don't think the money or fame is the issue here, I think it's her wanting to have some semblance of control over the situation, although she never will. Beyond that, she's probably completely embarrassed because she's clearly been taken in by a gay man who has yet to come to terms with his identity. I feel sorry for her but sometimes in life there are casualties. It happens. Her husband is attracted to men. This most likely will not change. She needs to deal with the reality of the situation.

[Pammy2]

Oh, yeah, it's the money. With these mega-church evangelical fundamentalist hypocrits it ALL about the money.

[omo]

Her husband is the casualty, not her. Why should she be 'completely embarrassed' ?
She is not the one who has lied, cheated, stolen, done drugs, all while raising kids.
And then blamed 'society' for her behavior. The gay choir sure sings off key on this issue.

[omo]

She has five children with this man. (Which says something about his 'gayness' by the way.)
Maybe she was trying to keep things together for the kids ? Women do that, you know.

[BlueZoo]

I believe four of the kids are grown and married now but keeping a marriage together like this one has probably damaged them forever. Nothing good comes from keeping secrets. When the secrets become known, all hell ensues. These kids are left with the lie their parents allowed to go on for over thirty years.

[raker]

If there weren't such a pathological fear of homosexuality in this country, Ted Haggard and others like him might not feel compelled to marry women in the first place. Do those gay-haters and gay "curers" really want some closeted man who's white-knuckling it through an inauthentic straight life marrying their daughters? Come out, come out.

[Harinama]

"If there weren't such a pathological fear of homosexuality in this country,"....perpetuated by folks LIKE HAGGARD. You can blame American evangelical "christianity" for this issue. They refuse to see that Jesus was about love and compassion, not sectarianism and hate-mongering.

Haggard, in preaching to his evangelical flock about SIN, is the greatest hypocrite of all, and symbolic of the downward spiral that christianity has taken in recent years.

I just love his wife saying ""So I prayed for him and I felt as though he was winning the battle." It's obvious that ignorant evangelicals still think of homosexuality as a sin, instead of a natural life outlook for a portion of humanity. EVERY SINGLE CULTURE on earth has signs of same sex attraction.

Whats worse, the hypocrite, or the my.opic ignorant as_holes who support him?