06/11/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Dickipedia: The Flu

Influenza, commonly referred to as the flu, is an infectious disease caused by RNA viruses, a deadly public health risk, and a dick.

The most common symptoms of the disease are chills, fever, sore throat, muscle pains, severe headache, coughing, complaining, whining, sneezing, and small panic attacks in your mom even though she lives in a different state and you're now an adult who is totally capable of taking care of themselves.

While influenza causes the death of hundreds of thousands of people each season, its most notable dick characteristic is that it makes you use up all of your sick days for the whole year, even the ones you were saving to sneak off during March Madness.

Cruelly, the flu targets weak and defenseless individuals, such as the elderly, helping to cement its villainous dick reputation. Many of influenza's sinister qualities, however, are slightly lessened when one considers that this global nightmare can be defeated merely by washing your hands and getting enough fluids.

The scientific term "influenza"--like pizza, organized crime, and Long Island--originated in Italy. It is derived from the Italian word "influenza," which means: "to drink a lot of ginger ale."

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