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Tracy Jordan's Best Lines From Season Three Of "30 Rock"

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Friend of "Eat The Press" Amanda Mattos today shares news of one of the most magnificent things you will find on the web today or any day: this post from the blog Unlikely Words, which chronicles every single thing that 30 Rock character Tracy Jordan ever said during the show's third season. The list is complete, it is comprehensive and it is hilarious. The post's author does a nice job describing the vertiginous comedy of Jordan's always bizarre utterances:

Anytime Tracy Morgan as Tracy Jordan has a scene on 30 Rock, my brain shuts off and it's difficult to function. It's the combination of delivery and content, and there's hardly ever a scene throughout which I'm not giggling foolishly. In celebration, I thought I'd post everything he said in 30 Rock Season 3. If you guys like it, I'll do Season 1 and Season 2, too.

My recommendation is that you do whatever you can to encourage this!

Huff Post's Comedy Editor Alex Leo and I have risked the strange looks of our officemates as we strained to contain our laughter while looking over this list of Jordanisms to bring you our annotated favorites:

Alex Leo likes:

"Nobles Oblige, yes. Let's go shopping. To the Bat Mobile!"
Is there anything more condescending than the rich person motto "nobles oblige"? Tracy understands that the real obligations of the wealthy are to spend money on useless shit and pay off women they've sexually harassed.

"I watched Boston Legal 9 times before I realized it wasn't a new Star Trek."
William Shatner humor is always gold.

"Do you know it's still illegal to be black in Arizona?"
Arizona didn't recognize Martin Luther King Day until 1992, probably because that would teach the children that it's OK to be black.

"That's not me, that's the Tracy Jordan Japanese sex doll. You can tell us apart because it's not suffering from a vitamin deficiency."
I can't tell who the butt of this joke is, which makes it awesome.

"You're going to sue me? Who do you think you are, the San Diego zoo?"
This line is near and dear to my heart because of the lasting comedy it's inspired in my mind, trying to imagine what he did to what animal and in what hole.

"How come there ain't no Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? They got every race and lifeform in the galaxy, except for Puerto Ricans. What's up with that?"
Valid point.

"There's no link between diabetes and diet. That's a white myth, Ken. Like Larry Bird or Colorado."
This is just the right amount of crazy and truthy to be right on point. Of course diabetes is linked to diet, but Colorado is indeed a fallacy.

"What is this, Horseville? Cuz I am surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay!"
As a comedy editor I can in fact confirm that this is wordplay.

"I don't need to read it. The entire thing is loosely based on an evening I spent with Isaiah Thomas."
Tracy says this when referring to his parent company's sexual harassment handbook. So many 'ball' and 'piston' jokes are whizzing through my mind.

"Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like that HBO show, John Adams." Nice.

Jason Linkins likes:

"I watched Boston Legal 9 times before I realized it wasn't a new Star Trek."
I have to imagine that Jordan is not alone in this.

"There you are, you stupid cracker. Do you know why I get a hotel room? To poop in peace! No kids banging on the door, no phones ringing. It's my time! Every Tuesday and Thursday at three PM. I don't know why I only go twice a week. That's what Angie should be worried about."
I can sympathize. Seems like almost everything one can do for fun kills you now. Eating, drinking, sexing... you know how many people die in their sleep? LOTS. But a man can still take a luxuriating dump without dying, right? Right? Anyway, I maintain a reservation at the Mayflower for the same reason.

Do you know what happens to a comedian when he gets old and loses his audience? He starts to get offered serious roles. And do you really want to see me play Arthur Ashe?"
I used to live in Richmond, and during that time, Monument Avenue got a statue of local hero Ashe. All the racists in town hated the statue because they didn't want it on the same street as the statuary of their beloved Civil War generals. I didn't care for it because it sort of looks like Ashe is about to brain a group of terrified children with his tennis racket. I think Tracy Jordan would play that Ashe quite well. The movie would probably be called Back That Ashe Up or something and would feature Method Man as Bjorn Borg.

"OK. Sorry it took me so long to answer. I was just thinking about how weird it is that we eat birds."
Classic Jordanian non-sequitur.

"There's no link between diabetes and diet. That's a white myth, Ken. Like Larry Bird or Colorado."
I have been to Colorado and it IS a white myth!

"Look. I grew up here, Larry, in the days before Starbucks. And if Wall St crashes, it'll be the 1970's all over again. People will get mean. The streets won't be safe. It'll be graffiti everywhere. And the movies will only cost 3 dollars."
Jordan's apocalyptic vision is still preferable to a million New York Magazine cover stories trying to get us to sympathize with i-bankers.

"Don't patronize me with your Celtic slang, Liz Lemon, we have a black president now."
Jordan truly does live the post-racial ideal.

"I struggled through that sentence."
Ok, this needs some context: Jack Donaghy, while talking with Tracy, says, "That's easy for you to say." He responds: "No it wasn't. I struggled through that last sentence." The average episode of 30 Rock is chock-a-block with these delightful sorts jokes on wordplay, and Tracy carries more than his share.

"Uh uh. I've changed, Ken, into a badass adult. I have a wolfdog, and I have two bad knees and I have a gun. That I lost!"
Those are, indeed, the classical trappings of adulthood.

"Is there nothing sacred? Have we lost our moral center? It just makes me want to pee on someone."
Yes, I like excretory humor. It's not like I've ever pretended to be some monument to elevated discourse.

UPDATE: Ana Marie Cox joins in the fun! This is becoming, like, a thing. Maybe this will tide us over until the show comes back. (Which Alex tells me won't be until NEXT WINTER. Bah!)

RELATED:
Everything Tracy Jordan Said [Unlikely Words]

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