What Single Women Can Learn From Michelle Obama

The Root:

America has fallen for the Obamas. The history, the high glamour, the PDAs on the White House lawn. It's a universal picture of love. But for many successful black women, with college degrees, ambitious careers and five-year plans, that enchantment has become something of an obsession. Those of us hoping to find suitable mates in a dating landscape that is, statistically speaking, pretty grave, are absolutely giddy about the very existence of the first family and especially about the possibility that we could find our own Barack.

Read the whole story: The Root

Comments

[urnumbersix]

06:20 PM on 06/10/2009

At the heart, it's the DISPARITIES THAT "HURT." And it cuts to the bone. We have eyes. We have ears. We have done, as non-black females have done, and worked hard and overcome more than they - and they have the help of a partner!!

We SEE that our white colleagues do NOT have to jump through death-defying hoops to be married to a good man. They expect it as a given - with good reason - it actually happens for them. The article advocates that African-American women must DO MORE than other races of women to be married.

WHY MUST WE DO "MORE?" "Foul," I cry!!

And for the record, most African-American women with higher degrees and interests-forged-through-education-and-exposure ARE nerds! And date interracially, nerds. This article is false - implying there is some female MD, PhD, JD chasing a "Fifty Cent" & "passing" on the nerd.

To channel Chris Rock, it's not "special" that a man takes responsibility in his own life and handles his business. We SEE our MOST "messed up" white colleagues' husbands taking responsibility - not for his wife/girlfriend's sake - but because that's the way "a man" behaves.

THIS is what I think "the Sistah's" are mad about. We see "broke-down, messed-up, psycho-talk" white women with normal husbands (yes, with his own issues) - and they're making their way in life with a partner. Yet, the African-American women must be "Perfect" or be alone.

[1088]

03:34 PM on 06/09/2009

What I've learned from the First Lady is that she likes being smart, and start studying for the finals, on her first day of class. She accomplished her goals without being brittle. She is good mother, warm, kind,funny, charming,smart, confident, loving and forgiven. She let her husband waited for a long time before going out on a date with him. Although her marriage had suffered in the past, she manage to dusted herself off, and make a decision to have a better relationship with her partner. Now look at her, she totally rocks!

[neenah52weeks]

10:18 AM on 06/09/2009

Not every woman who is single is so because of all that she's done wrong. If making all the right relationship decisions were a prerequisite for marriage, there would be no couples before us. I think every adult has had those moments where we wondered if we've let a good one pass us by, but because the statistics African American singles are so staggering, I think it has less to do with our list of standards and more to do with a host of issues and concerns that plague our history. African American women, and singles of other races, often find themselves in a no-win situation where are critics are concerned. We're told our standards are too high (according to this article) and also criticized for not having high enough standards (according to popular authors like Steve Harvey). Perhaps if the focus was less on pointing fingers and more on encouraging examples and uplifting commentary, we'd fare better. I know I don't have it all figured out. As a 40-something, never married, African American, I do desire to be in a committed relationship, but I won't shoulder all the blame for not obtaining my goal. Considering half of marriages end in divorce, I'd say we're not the only ones with a lot to learn.

[SouthernWisdom]

09:31 AM on 06/09/2009

I agree that on paper MO seems to have it all. I am worried though that she is unhappy. She has not looked cheerful at all lately and something must be troubling her. And please, don't give me that "angry black woman" stuff. I don't mean that at all. She doesn't look mean or angry to me, just unhappy. She doesn't smile much and I have never seen her laugh. If something is bothering her I hope for her sake that she talks it out with someone. It can be very lonely to feel the way she does. She will be an even better mother to her kids by showing them that it is okay to seek advice and help from a therapist if that is what she needs. I imagine that her husband is not there for her as he once was because of his schedule.

[ItHadToBeSaid]

12:00 PM on 06/09/2009

The First Lady does not seem unhappy AT ALL. In fact, she carries herself in a confident manner exuding happiness and graciousness to those she meets in her travels.

Despite being on the WORLD stage, under the glare of hundreds of millions of people, she seems very content and determined to make sure her girls are, too. You, on the other hand, seem determined to project your unhappiness onto the First Lady. Perhaps misery does love company, but I'm afraid you're going to have to find somebody other than the First Lady to join you.

[anewworld]

01:18 PM on 06/09/2009

I totally agree with you. Why is it that one would look for such a negative outlook regarding the first lady? How can a person "look" at another person that they do not know and make such an assumption? That is the most rediculous assesment I've heard since the election. Ms. "SoutherWisdom" need to re-evaluate her own happiness.

The FLOTUS is very confident about herself, her family, and her Man (POTUS). She is surrounded by the people she love and trust despite all the outside influences. MO is on top of the world...................smile

[Gretel1or2]

12:04 PM on 06/09/2009

I think you've been reading way too much from those HP photos you see floating around. Michelle Obama takes her roles, both professional and personal seriously and is not the smiley, grinning type. However, i find it hard to believe that you have never seen her laugh. Even some of the photos from her most recent trip showed her laughing heartily. Not to mention the numerous pics where she is smiling. If you look at Michelle' s brother and mother, you will observe that they have similar facial expressions as she does. Have you spent time with Michelle as a person? I bet not. You cannot know definitively about someone's internal state unless you've spent time with them in person.

[cbates]

08:41 AM on 06/09/2009

I have been married for almost 35 years to the same AA woman (who holds several degrees) so take this with a grain of salt. I hold a degree in chemistry from 1974 and at least 5 patents and I am AA. We have two beautiful children and please don't read this the wrong way because I am just trying to contribute to the debate. For what ever reason I have not been able to see through or feel comfortable dealing the veneer of some African American women as my eye sometimes harmlessly wonders. Especially, ones who I find myself attracted to on a interesting/mating basis. The veneers I most time see is you do not fit the mold of my expectations and don't bother. Maybe, I just don't get the ins and outs of how to identify who is interested and who is not interested. For me it has nothing to do with strength as much as it does the cultural hang ups or expectations we have as (a) people.

[Shazaam]

08:44 AM on 06/09/2009

What???

[ItHadToBeSaid]

09:15 AM on 06/09/2009

Cbates says, "Especially, ones who I find myself attracted to on a interesting/mating basis."

A.) You're married. Why are you even looking??

"The veneers I most time see is you do not fit the mold of my expectations and don't bother."

B.) Women are not here for your enjoyment or expectations. Each of us, man or woman, is meant to find who it is we want to be, and become that person. Not 'adjust' or 'accommodate' to someone else's expectations.

"Maybe, I just don't get the ins and outs of how to identify who is interested and who is not interested."

C.) Again, you are MARRIED. You shouldn't be worried about who is interested.

Log off, go kiss your wife, and tell her you're sorry you haven't been giving her the respect she deserves.

[anewworld]

01:25 PM on 06/09/2009

LMAO...................... Very good and well noted ItHadToBeSaid...................LOL I could hot have broken it down any better......................LMAO

[toyboat]

08:08 AM on 06/09/2009

The Obama's rock as a couple but I'm in no way, shape, or form into the whole marriage thing so I could personally care less. I been doin' me for the last 31 years just fine & to be honest I'd prefer to keep it that way if I can't have what I want. As for the whole being picky thing, your damn right I'm picky!! Do you know how long it takes me to pick a pair of shoes & those only go on my feet so of course I'm going to be selective about who I let in my bed. If you settle for less than you desreve you'll get even less than you expected so ladies PA-LEASE keep that in mind.

[We-Are-The-Ones]

03:59 AM on 06/09/2009

Some women do not want to get marriage. To me, the Obama speak to loving relationships . . . regardless of the kind, friendship, marriage, children, parents, guests.

It is beautiful to see how they love everyone. Their children. Their family. Their workers. Strangers.

Love well is the message.

[Gretel1or2]

12:10 PM on 06/09/2009

True some women don't want to get married, but I think this article is specifically directed towards Black women who want to be married but have not married because they have not found a partner who met their particular requirements.

[moonchild71]

11:51 PM on 06/08/2009

I'm not sure that "picky" is the right term to describe this... I think it's more about not being "silly". The examples the writer gave for the reasons she and her friends have turned down "good" men have more to do with them being "silly" than "picky". There's nothing wrong with being "picky" or having standards. Was Jennifer Hudson's sister "picky"? Over half of her immediate family is dead because she wasn't selective enough. Black women are often criticized for being too "picky" or having too high standards and then criticized for not being "picky" enough and accepting anyone, deadbeats, losers, etc.
Michelle Obama was picky and has high standards. Barack was and is persistent, confident, and not easily intimidated. Black women and women in general, keep your standards high, do not apologize for this, do not lower yourself or your standards. Love yourself unconditionally and you will make better selections when choosing a partner. Choose substance over flashy style, depth over shallowness, discipline over irresponsibleness, corniness over coolness... And most of all be OPEN to accepting love from a good man regardless of color and you'll quickly realize you have more options to choose from than you realized. And then silly articles like this can go by the wayside...

[nottaken]

11:58 PM on 06/08/2009

Thank you.

[ItHadToBeSaid]

09:17 AM on 06/09/2009

Wonderfully written and exactly right!!

[DeeW]

11:01 PM on 06/08/2009

sigh - being married isn't the ultimate prize in life. Like women just sit around unhappy til their prince comes along - good grief.

[nottaken]

10:21 PM on 06/08/2009

I don't know why some of you brothers are scared of strong black women. Learn from our President. Sisters also have to be supportive of brothers even when they have not made it yet as long as they have their priorities straight and have a vision in life instead of just sitting in front of TV or sitting in jail. I say we learn from Michelle. I am a strong, beautiful and intelligent sister but can't seem to find a brother who is not intimidated by me. The most common thing I hear is 'you are too much for me'. One person I met can't even stand the fact that I blog and I have a voice in my own government. Are you kidding me? Is it too much to ask for a brother who is intelligent and ambitious and really cares what happens in our government. Just because one is a Physician or an attorney does not mean she is unapproachable. Bravo to our President for appreciating strong and intelligent women.

[WoudKano]

10:38 PM on 06/08/2009

Bravo to our First Lady for realizing that it is a collaboration....something that the sisters I have met don't seem to realize...or are willing to accept.

[nottaken]

10:45 PM on 06/08/2009

Of course it is a collaboration between two minds but everyone need to be given a chance instead of just having that assumption that, oh she must be stuck up because she is this or that. Michelle gave Obama a little tough time but he was not discouraged. I don't know the sisters you have met but shame on them.

[KillBillV2]

09:42 PM on 06/08/2009

Why are they saying that only black single women want a good guy like Obama to get married to? All single women no matter what race wants to get married to a good guy!

[Gretel1or2]

09:58 PM on 06/08/2009

But a larger proportion of Black women who are well educated and professional remain single, compared to women of any other race. So the article is saying that maybe Black women should be less picky.

[nottaken]

10:27 PM on 06/08/2009

You are right about a lot of well educated black women being single but I disagree with the inference that the article suggests we should be less picky. It is a no win situation for educated black women. If you go for less educated black men who are less successful, they feel intimidated even when you try so hard to come down to their level. If you decide to be yourself, they say you are too much for them, they fear you are going to dump them for a much successful person. When you decide that you have hard it and decide to find someone you consider your equal professionally or statues wise, they say you are not giving a brother a chance. Boy, you can never win.

[We-Are-The-Ones]

03:58 AM on 06/09/2009

Some women do not want to get marriage. To me, the Obama speak to loving relationships . . . regardless of the kind, friendship, marriage, children, parents, guests.

[mlrlmsw]

08:59 PM on 06/08/2009

This is an example of a man who is confident and secure enough to fall in love with his true equal, intellectually, physically, professionally successful(ly!), etc. They are an impressive pair and seem to be a true team.

[renatam]

09:27 PM on 06/08/2009

Yes. And, he had an ambition - and remained ready, willing and focused on attaining it. In short, he had his PRIORITIES straight.

[WoudKano]

09:35 PM on 06/08/2009

Yes O was focused...but apart from being his rock, M fully supported O's ambition and goals...something I find sisters unwilling to do...in the short term...

This article is spot on...and methinks that it applies mostly to black women...who trust me...I love dearly.

[Gretel1or2]

08:35 PM on 06/08/2009

I think this article has good intentions, but it misses the reality of what's out there. When Michelle met Barack he was already a Harvard Law School Graduate. He was three years older than her, single, unattached, and attractive. That is a catch by any standard. Michelle HAD standards and WAS PICKY. Barack also had standards and was not content to be with any trophy type woman devoid of independent thought. Contrary to popular belief, most single women are not gold diggers, or unrealistically picky or have bad attitudes. This is a myth that causes many women with standards to doubt themselves and settle for someone just to not be single.

[jayjola]

09:11 PM on 06/08/2009

I think you are right, most of my single professional black female friends and relatives are not unrealistically picky. I believe any one of them would have considered him a great find. (BTW-he was in first year law school, not a graduate yet). Everyone has to set their own standards as to what makes them happy and what makes someone else compatible.

[Gretel1or2]

10:00 PM on 06/08/2009

yup-thanks for the correction- he was a law student; Still a great catch nonetheless:)

[caribgirl]

10:10 PM on 06/08/2009

I agree with some of your latter points about standards but you have the Obama's history wrong. When they met Michelle was an associate at the law firm, he had just finished his 1st year of law school. She has spoken about how poorly he dressed at the time, that he had no money, that she didn't like that he smoked. Given these and the fact that she was professionally ahead of him as a lawyer, it would not have been surprising if she had not been interested. And I think that's the author's point.

[WoudKano]

10:35 PM on 06/08/2009

Hear! Hear!!

You have summarized the thrust of the article spot on:

Infact Michelle had to tone down her critique of the guy during the early days of the primary campaign. She talked about his "morning breath...made worse because he smoked"...made quips about his inflated sense of self. courtesy of the massive crowds at his rally etc...

To her credit, according to media reports, Michelle heeded the advise of those around her - her brother and Valerie - and the rest, as they say, is history.

[ladyskeptik]

07:56 PM on 06/08/2009

I definitely agree with this article. I think we all, men and women, black, white and brown just need to be less picky.

[KillBillV2]

07:47 PM on 06/08/2009

I have a boyfriend already but WOW President Obama sure does look so goodlooking in that photo!


*giddy laugh*