20-Somethings, Like College Students, Hook Up Rather Than Date

npr.org:

The hookup -- that meeting and mating ritual that started among high school and college students -- is becoming a trend among young people who have entered the workaday world. For the many who are delaying the responsibilities of marriage and child-rearing, hooking up has virtually replaced dating.

Read the whole story: npr.org

Comments

[Indra]

Women do much the same today as they did in the past. In the past it was called playing the field. Today it is called hooking up. Also I would say that a very very small minority of women are sexually liberated. Most women I have known are more afraid of their own sexuality than anything else. It is sad but true. Women in general need to be out their more and be much more aggressive sexually.

[flamenco]

Hooking Up... that's such a funny euphemism, although it's one of the better ones around. If I don't use the four-letter word for it, I prefer something that's still nice and blunt, like shtupping!

[Pippen]

I'm not old fashioned, I grew up in the 70s and when I hit 18 the disco scene had just emerged. Bar hopping and dancing was the rage and casual sex.

We never thought of it as "hooking up". Which is just an ignorant phrase to give young men/boys a pass on their lack of responsibility and to allow young women to be promiscuous without guilt.

It is what it is, casual sex. Which regardless of your age means :

* Your not good enough to date or marry or meet mom & dad but your the meal of the day.

Your not special your just different.

When you meet the right person the only REAL intimate and special thing about you will be that you haven't offered yourself like a buffet table to 100 people. And that you treasure the person enough to share the most sensitive part of you. THATS special.

And NO, if your having sex casually without the ritual of courtship you will never meet mom and never marry the most special person for you.

[Indra]

Wow what an old fashioned attitude! Casual sex is very good for people. Promiscuity is a word that is hardly used anymore and does not mean much. We call it being sexually active nowadays.

[DRaymond]

I was in my teens in the 70's and I must admit when I look at the 'dating advice' sites and columns I must admit that they have turned 'dating' into a very complicated ritual rather than just 'going out', which is what everybody called it. it wasn't complicated by expectations about do's and don'ts and what must be included in a first or second date. It was just going out.

Another thing that has changed is the expectation of some sort of elaborate proposal. It used to be all you needed was a ring and sincerity. Now anything less than a jumbotron is lame.

But more than that what really struck me a while back was the realization that nobody uses the term making love anymore. And that isn't just that the term has become archaic, but so has the attitude behind the term. As I said I grew up in the 70's, hardly a sexually repressed era, but even when it was casual or spontaneous lovemaking the basic attitude was that what was behind it was an intimate and loving expression.

So teens and young adults now have lots of hooking up but no lovemaking. I don't envy them.

[WonderWomanGoddess]

The def of 'hook up' in the article even includes kissing...it's too broad, comes across as a fluff piece. But you all seem to define it as sex (me too). This is a sticky and timely issue, as someone recently free to engage in these sorts of things again. At 30 my libido is raging, but having been married very young, I don't understand the 'rules'. I know this: I find it gross when I see two people start dancing in a club and head to the bathroom for sex 20 min. later. The germs people!

However, I can't win. I tried friends with benefits and ended up married to him! It doesn't work for me. I can't 'hook up' with a different guy every week. I always back out; I just can't have sex with someone I don't trust. Also, carnally speaking, it takes a few times to 'learn' the other person’s wants to have the best sex. Ongoing affairs only work with trust. The whole thing leads to a conundrum for me- I want sex (open rowdy fun), I don't want to be 'played' or disrespected, but neither do I want to have to withhold it for x number of dates just to play the 'good girl' game. Yet my guy friends say NO guy will end up in a serious relationship with you if you give it up right off.

I wish someone would write something with more meat on this subject, no pun intended.

[mredder4]

Well said. I'm trying to navigate back in after a long solitude, and I just don't feel like there's a place in the world for what I want to find. I want to date, but not exactly settle down. Approaching 30 myself, my options seem to be younger girls who want nothing significant or older girls who are ready to marry and propagate right away. I feel stuck in the middle.

A guide for people who weren't raised in this hook-up culture about how to date these days would be a Godsend.

[WonderWomanGoddess]

I would write it myself, but my lack of success makes me moot. What I'd really like to see is something written by a single male, and a single female (not a couple) for both sides perspective. Maybe a lot of anonymous interviews...Nancy Friday's books on sex fantasies were pretty insightful and they were just collections of a wide sample of people's views. The key was it was their private thoughts though.

The problem with dating, or sex, seems to be both sexes profess to want certain things but actually want/expect other things.

In my unschooled opinion.

[amorvincitomnia]

Well, you're generalizing because some younger women actually do want to settle down and some older one's aren't all about having babies. Keep on dating and judge the ladies on their own merit rather than sweeping generalizations...you'll meet the right one for sure.

[Indra]

I like what you wrote and understand what you are saying. By the way your male friends are not being honest with you. It does not really bother a person if you don't give out until the time is right. Yes there are men like that and women like that. I have met them both. but for the most part most people are not like that. As a matter of fact if someone is not willing to hang around until you are comfortable, it is probably best not to have sex with them. You need to find a raging sensualist with manners and some class that's all. The fact is as a friend once told me "Most people are too stupid to sin right, and that's why sinning and sex have gotten such a bad reputation.

[Jesse P. Steinberg]

I can not stand reading these stories they make me quite depressed. I ended up learning on my own, I took up the old fashion values towards relationships. Which is quite weird seeing I never got any guidance for these things. As for hooking-up I have tried it but didn't do much for me, I need to be emotionally involved with a person. It sucks to be a 21st century 20-somethings guy with values thats all I have to say.

I ended up asking this girl I admire out today after many years of knowing her. Her answer was "it is not a good time, I do like you don't get me wrong, maybe in a few months" I guess seeing its summer.

Anyways thats all I have to say now on this matter at hand.

[jtmoney]

i have two friends with benefits. everything is out in the open. no jealousy. no rules. no complications. if you're not looking to settle down just yet, it's def the way to go.

[sonoffestus]

"friends with benefits".................I heard that a couple of months ago for the first time, from a much younger co-worker. I thought it was funny then, as it is today. All I can do is smile and say have fun , BUT be safe and always travel with "rain gear"!

[amorvincitomnia]

i tried the "friends with benefits" thing. my "friend" told me he wasn't involved and we were casual but the moment i started seeing someone else he became a psycho stalker and scared the daylights out of me. i've had more than one experience like this so i'm a little sceptical about the friends with benefits thing. sometimes one person is more involved than the other and is using the whole "benefits" thing just to manipulate you in to a real relationship.

[gifu]

Where did the deep end of the pool go?

[Indra]

You are probably in it but don't know it.

[MikeDu]

"Dating' in the traditonal sense is practically a formalized ritual, like Japanese Kabuki theater. Every step in the process has a long tradition. And like Kabuki theater it can be perplexing and awkward, and like Kabuki it also has its moments of beauty and drama.

I can see why the perplexing and awkward bits would want to be abandoned but I'm not entirey sure the casual alternative brings with it the beauty and drama. Sometime it sounds like little more than freelance unpayed sexworkers.

[brandnewstuff]

Knowing the facts of The CDC reports can or being just aware- It is not worth just being a hook up

[kellypdx]

duuuuhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! this is just a smart approach. some people might find their soulmate early on, but we change so much in our 20s, 30s, and 40s...

putting off marriage and kids until your 30s and 40s is a really smart thing to do, and will cut back on divorces too. so many people marry young, and start families before they are ready. we make MUCH better decisions after we mature and have some life experiences to draw on. too many people resent their souses and kids b/c they missed out on sooo much by getting married and having families before they were ready. i know that for some people it works to marry right out of high school, etc... and that's great for them---IF they are both happy.

i see this as a really positive trend----settle down when you are ready to be an adult. we have so many messed-up people in this world and bad parenting is a BIG contributor!!

[antaeus]

There is no free lunch. The "win-win situation" is a marketing myth.

Are people generally more stable and mature in middle age? Sure. But you think every career couple is going to be swimming in an extra $40,000 for fertility treatments--that don't always work? And dealing with college tuition when you're in your 60s? Oh yeah, that's a lot of fun.

[montecarlo408]

Not just that. It is indicative of a total lack of responsibility and maturity. This country gets more hedonistic every day. Now I find myself trying to explain to my 15 year old daughter why this kind of stuff would be a really bad idea because all of these stars and just everyday people can't seem to stay devoted to anything or anyone.

[kellypdx]

fertility treatments? that's a huge assumption; we were all blessed not to need them. i'm 45 and i have a 6 and 7 year old. all my close friends also have young kids; we are 40-46, the oldest kid is 8, youngest due in october. all moms, kids, babies, and dads are doing very well.

i'm not sure how dealing with tuition is going to be any worse when i'm 60, in fact, by then my mortgage will be paid off and i've got the extra 20 years to save too. being financially responsible is another benefit of me being a mom now; in my 20s i thought credit cards were money!!

this doesnt mean that everyone's having orgies; sex is not a bad thing and you can have "fun" responsibly. waiting for marriage and kids is actually the "responsible" and "mature" thing to do, too many people become families before they are ready.

you teach your kids to be self-confident enough to be able to say no if they dont want to do something. and tell them the dangers of all the bad choices; you have to be 100% open or else they'll go find out on their own, with the wrong people.

[kellysmalltowngirl]

As the 43 year old mother of three (ages 9, 7, and 3), I can say parenting at this age is absolutely exhausting and ill-advised.

I wish I had become a mother in my twenties. As it stands, I doubt I wil be healthy enough to enjoy my grandchildren, if I even live to see them.

[sunnybunny]

I'm 43 too and looking forward to grandchildren when my kids get ready (I have 3 daughters ages 13, 22, and 23) . I can't imagine having the energy to have a baby of my own at this age which will be a teenager in my late 50s (Yikes!!!) I feel for you. I've always been glad I had my kids at a young age (they are now my closest friends) and don't agree that everybody should wait. But, I say different strokes for different folks. I often think it would be fun to have little kids at our age.

[PresidentRobertBooth]

I for one am shocked that young virile human beings, like all other animals in the natural world, want to have sex.

[Orwellian]

I come into contact with older twenty-somethings who have never been out on a 'date'. Now I know why. Most in my generation would not find this ultimately satisfying. Some of the males might, but they're still single... Quick hook-ups/relationships make for quick endings. There's little courtship, anticipation or valuing the other, so they're disposable; or interchangeable.

[dav ram58]

With pornography virtually mainstream in this day and age, society has been desensitized when it comes to what is appropriate regarding sex; anything goes. This had led to the attitude that hooking up is "no big deal."

[Cosmic-Zantor]

And it isn't.

Why would it be?

[Blenvid]

Because there are those that believe that intimacy, physical intimacy, is more for them than just the fulfillment of our carnal desires.

If you're not familiar with this notion consider someone who tells someone else that they love them in order to get into the other's pants, only for this person to find they were lied to and they had believed and recicropated that love by being intimate. For one, it was the fulfillment of the flesh; for the other it was more.

Is one better than the other? That's for you to decide. I've found that loving someone is much more fulfilling than having sex with them. But sometimes, the flesh wins out.

[Kessei]

As a late twenty something, I can attest that this is incredibly common.

I've also seen how my friends and compatriots who have spent their college years and twenties doing this have no clue how to handle relationships. They've gotten so used to being on their own, with no responsibilities towards or thought to anyone else, that they're pretty hopeless when they finally meet Mr. Right or Ms. Right and opt to "settle down."

I recently had a friend get into a huge fight with her fiance because he was upset that she spent most weekends on the computer and didn't spend time with him; her retort was that they spend time together grocery shopping, doing laundry, and having sex, and that should be enough for "normal" couples.

No clue whatsoever.

Well, they'll figure it out when they're older, I suppose.

[Malkin71]

She sounds great.