Everyone in the world, of course, is having a big old sad about Mark Sanford, and how his political career is hobbled because he was carrying on a secret dalliance in Argentina. And even though nothing terrible happened to South Carolina while he was out of the country and not informing anyone of his whereabouts and directing his staff to lie for him and whatnot, people are going to have "trust issues" with Sanford now, and so his presidential hopes have dimmed.
Naturally, the question is: Who is to blame for all of this. And the answer is Mark Sanford. Or is it?* You see, Rush Limbaugh, from the "Excellence In Broadcasting" network, has excellently broadcast an excellent theory of who is really to blame.
LIMBAUGH: This Sanford business! I'll tell you, one of the first thoughts that crossed my mind, with Mark Sanford ... this is the first thought: What he did defies logic. This is ... more than being 180 degrees out of phase because of lust, or love. To split the scene for five days, and we know he's been separated, and he knows, by the way, that the newspaper in his state has the emails between him and his concubine down there in Argentina, he knows this. He knows that somebody knows what's going on. He knows his wife knows. So he ups and leaves for five days, doesn't leave anybody in charge of the state, in case there's an emergency.
Right about now, you imagine that Limbaugh is building up to some "thinking with his penis" type of statement, right? But no!
LIMBAUGH: This is almost like: I don't give a damn! Country's going to hell in a handbasket. I just want out of here!
Uhm. .. what?
LIMBAUGH: He had just tried to fight the stimulus money coming to South Carolina. He didn't want any part of it. He lost the battle and said "What the hell? The Federal government is taking over! I want to enjoy life!"
And it goes on from there. Apparently, it's all President Barack Obama's fault, for killing people's "spirit," and making them so "fed up" with the SADNESS that they've got no other choice but to abdicate their grown-up responsibilities and start philandering "before Obama takes away their money" and "their house." And Bill Clinton was in Argentina "the other night," too! So everyone is going to Buenos Aires, for succor. It will be a marvel and a wonder if any 2012 contender hasn't logged some serious time with Latin American mistresses.
Anyway, I think we can all agree that this is a very cunning plan by President Obama, who somehow managed to depress Sanford's spirits so much that he started having an affair months before Obama even became President and started enacting policies.
But then, this is just how Obama's parents and the State of Hawaii planned it out when they spirited the Kenyan infant into the United States and faked his citizenship! "The perfect scheme!" they said, "This mixed-race boy will surely have no trouble winning the presidency! And then, we will totally have our revenge on a South Carolina Governor we've never even heard of yet, for some reason!"
And they almost got away with it!
*Yes, it is.