Military EATR: Contractor Working On Horrifying Corpse-Eating Robots [UPDATE]

UPDATE: Good news, via FastCompany. Fox, who was the source of this terrifying story, now says, "contrary to reports, including one that appeared on FOXNews.com, the EATR will not eat animal or human remains." FastCompany notes that this "makes Fox News seem like a passive victim of commonly circulated facts." But...

But Fox News actually originated the meme by surmising that dead bodies would be a logical source of food, since they'd be numerous on the battlefield. Sadly, they've completely taken down the offending story rather than correcting it at the bottom (as less fair, less balanced news sources do).

Cyclone Engine, who manufactures the EATR power source, issues a press release that insisted the device would be herbivorous: "EATR runs of fuel no scarier than twigs, grass clippings and wood chips ... desecration of the dead is a war crime under Article 15 of the Geneva Conventions, and is certainly not something sanctioned by DARPA, Cyclone, or Robot Technology."

But at some point, don't all robots eventually turn on their masters and start devouring human flesh? Guess we'll find out!

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It's not everyday that a person gets to blog about how military contractors are developing terrifying, ironically named robots, which will roam around, feasting on dead flesh until the day comes that they will rise up and kill us all, but guess what? Today is one of those days:

A Maryland company under contract to the Pentagon is working on a steam-powered robot that would fuel itself by gobbling up whatever organic material it can find -- grass, wood, old furniture, even dead bodies.

Robotic Technology Inc.'s Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot -- that's right, "EATR" -- "can find, ingest, and extract energy from biomass in the environment (and other organically-based energy sources), as well as use conventional and alternative fuels (such as gasoline, heavy fuel, kerosene, diesel, propane, coal, cooking oil, and solar) when suitable," reads the company's Web site.

That "biomass" and "other organically-based energy sources" wouldn't necessarily be limited to plant material -- animal and human corpses contain plenty of energy, and they'd be plentiful in a war zone.

You know, my editors frown on me for swearing, for good reason, but in this case: SERIOUSLY, PENTAGON, WHAT THE FUCK?!?

I am having a really hard time trying to figure out what the military purpose of a robot that eats dead bodies is. Maybe the idea is these robots will make it difficult for independent observers to quantify casualties? Maybe President Sarah Palin will nominate one to the Supreme Court? The article states that EATR is a "platform" that things could be "built upon" -- like an "ambulance" or a "mobile gunship." But it seems to me that the ambulances and gunships we have now are perfectly okay, and, at any rate, DON'T MAKE MY SOUL HURT.

Speaking of:

The advantages to the military are that the robot would be extremely flexible in fuel sources and could roam on its own for months, even years, without having to be refueled or serviced.

So then: some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. But it looks like it's going to end in a hail of white-hot terror at the hands of marauding, corpse-eating Roombas.

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Comments

[cynthia3217]

Is Michael Bay going to make the movie? Can the taxpayers vote on this?

[matt819]

Pentagon: The advantages to the military are that the robot would be extremely flexible in fuel sources and could roam on its own for months, even years, without having to be refueled or serviced.

Public: Okay. But for what purpose. Why are they roaming for months, even years? Where are they roaming? While roaming, what are they doing? Are they exploring, e.g., Mars? Has anyone checked the calendar? Is it April Fool's?

[egaeus]

Other than powering themselves by devouring everything in sight, what is the purpose of these things? The military does not develop such things merely to watch them walk around gathering fuel.

[Lilith33]

No kidding......think about that.

[Lilith33]

Can they be programmed to eat republicans and dinos?

[BlueFloyd]

you're being redundant and redundant

[WilliamProc]

Oooh! I want to be the first kid on my block with one.
I hope it looks like something off the isle of Mis-fit toys!

[Waltfl]

"...feasting on dead flesh..."

Some Cheneyan mind will eventually come to the conclusion that it may be more useful to have them feast on living flesh.

[starrianna]

HOW WILL THEY KNOW WE ARE DEAD?

Are they going to run around and take our pulse first? NO!

This is a BIG FAT LIE. These machines are designed to eat everyone, dead & alive.

[tjdlr]

When will they change their name to Skynet?

[Octoberluna]

awesomeness!

[Quandris]

Love this snappy tag: "Terrifying Glimpses Of Future Doom"

[HisPetGoat]

Writing is a lost art.

[JaneQCitizen]

Humans create things that destroy other humans. So what's new?

[TFlint]

Uh -- "a steam-powered robot that would fuel itself by gobbling up whatever organic material it can find -- grass, wood, old furniture, even dead bodies."
That's what's new.

[Quandris]

Linkins hits another home run.

[HCB7562002]

C 'mon - the purpose is obvious. Have you never heard of the "surgical strike" and a "clean battlefield?" Dead bodies lying around smell bad, spread disease and are bad for morale. Who wants to sponge up some poor guy who was in the way of a 500 pound bomb? Or scrape up what's left after the cluster bombs have fallen? The souls would long since have departed so what's wrong with reusing the organic materials? Especially when gas and diesel are so expensive and dangerous to truck out to the battle. Think of it as a nuclear sub or carrier on land - never has to refuel and cleans up the mess faster than a speeding flock of buzzards. Or, it could be thought of as a field expedient "soylent green." Makes the mass graves smaller, too - saves land. And, the robot's pee (or whatever waste is generated) can be treated so it will speed revegetation when the war's over. And THAT is a MUCH better idea than Agent Orange.

N'est ce pas?

[rich misty]

A number of years ago I was friends with a General who was present at the testing of the M247 Sgt. York weapon system.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M247_Sergeant_York

They were taken out to the field and seated in bleachers, wire controlled drone helicopters were launched from behind a hill according to what he told me, and the M247, an automated gun system, was supposed to target and destroy the drones.

Behind and just to one side of the bleachers was the latrines, basically porta potties. The latrines were equipped with rotating ventilators of the type commonly seen on top buildings. The group of military officials watched in horror as the M247 swung around, panned the officers sitting in the bleachers with the live automated gun system, and opened fire and destroyed the latrines just behind and to one side of them.

I was told that was the real reason the M247 program was canceled, and that after that day no live fire test was ever again conducted with the prototypes.

[HisPetGoat]

Tax dollars at work. I bet for a fraction of the development costs spent on the drones, I could design self-destructive port-o-potties.

[ohmetoo]

Tax dollars at work. I bet for a fraction of the development costs spent on the drones, I could design self-destructive port-o-potties. And bio degradable at the same time!

[HisPetGoat]

By the way, I think naming that thing after pacifist/hero Alvin York is pretty insulting to him.

[progressivegreg]

C'mon, this is the Onion, right? A leftover story from April 1st? Even the pentagon cannot be this strupidly evil. and the acronym EATR....this has to be the Onion. This story reminds me of a very old Star Trek episode where the people are gone but the war implements are still active. This HAS to be the Onion.