Anita Tedaldi: Woman Returns Adopted Child After 18-Months (VIDEO)

Anita Tedaldi, a woman who returned her adopted son 18-months into their relationship because she felt they hadn't bonded, appeared on the "Today Show" this morning to explain her decision. This story first came to light when Anita blogged about her situation on "Motherlode"--the New York Times parenting blog. She was accompanied on the "Today Show" by NYT editor Lisa Belkin.

Anita explained in the blog that she had always wanted to adopt despite having five biological daughters.

"I was attentive, and I provided D. with a good home, but I wasn't connecting with him on the visceral level I experienced with my biological daughters. And while it was easy, and reassuring, to talk to all these experts about D.'s issues, it was terrifying to look at my own," she wrote.

After Anita made her decision, the adoption group found "D" a home with another family, and, according to Anita, he is doing well.


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Comments

[Cables]

Her entitlement and audacity to lap up media visibility is borderline exploitative of "D," injury to insult and an outrage considering one's responsibilities as a parent. Here's an analysis and reflection upon her privilege and the troubling media validation at the expense of one special needs child of color.

http://www.racialicious.com/2009/10/15/anita-tedaldi-and-guilt-privilege/

[user168]

There's only one thing that is true, sincere, and faithful, and that is love. There's only one thing life can trust, and that is love. Love never fails.

"Love is like a magic penny. The more you give, the more you'll have."

The question is, why wouldn't you love?

[tpfahler]

I applaud this poor misunderstood woman. After all, it takes a lot of courage to admit when things just aren't working out the way you want them to. I think some of the blame needs to go to the infant for not bonding properly with the mother. Many babies today are just about me me me, without any concern for their caretakers. Maybe if the baby had thought this whole adoption thing through then the poor mother wouldn't be in this position. Didn't the baby read the terms and conditions of the adoption? The baby must have had its lawyer read this over before the adoption went through right? When are babies going to start taking personal responsibility for their actions? Babies need to start taking control of their own lives and not expect everyone else to feed, clothe and love them unconditionally.

[SingingGuy]

When this child gets old enough to comprehend his early life, it will be part of his emotional baggage to realize that he was an outcast from not one but two mothers. I can't help but feel that this child would have always had a status a little lower than her biological children had he stayed with Anita Tedaldi.

[Cambridge9]

I don't have children but I have five cats. One of them is just plain 'nasty' and I have to watch his eyes and ears when I'm trying to pet him because when he's had enough he will turn on me. But could I ever turn on him? Of course not.

You don't accept a life into your life and not expect some problems. But the mother is not the the victim here. Baby D is the victim. The biological children are victims.

If I'm wrong I know someone will correct me but I believe it was Frued who said "Give me your child until he is four - then do with his as you will." Thinking on those lines this Baby D has lost on two counts. In his young life he has lost two 'mothers' and we can only hope that his newest 'mother' will be patient with the trauma he has already suffered and help him develop his potential. This will not be an easy task for her and my thoughts are with her.

There is at least one society in this world which requires someone who saves a life to be responsible for that life for the rest of his own life. Surely we can assume that anyone who adopts a child is, in fact, rescuing that life.

[rf dude]

Mebbe I need to hire her - Ford won't take back my 18 month old Explorer...
--

[jessicajuliette]

some things are disposable, like husbands...doesnt work out, just give them back...(2x)

a child that has been entrusted to your care??? NEVER.....

[Dawn Galtieri]

...the comments here have said it all...sounds to me like her agency dropped the ball for this baby...pre­gnancy...d­eal breaker...real prep...not really...sad, but more typical...great agencies are really rare now...I also deplore the "we have so much...we can share" misconception of adoption...simply said...it's not how it works...I also agree that bonding issues with birth children is a HUGE topic moms are afraid to openly discuss...too bad...because families suffer in silence and isolation...no option to give back...so you work it out...

...what really struck me in this video is how cavalier his status was treated...and she was allowed to declare it..."how is he doing now" (Matt Lauer)..."really well" or "just fine" or whatever nonsense she said...truth is it will be a long time until this baby is fine...

,,,I concur with those who said it is good he is in a better fit family...but this poor child has already had such a rough start...how long will it take until he recognizes the familiar...until he loves and is able to receive love...so sad...

[limber]

The more I read about the case, the more irritated I get.

After reading Anita's original article that states her daughters treated their brother with casual indifference, and quotes that imply she wanted to 'share their blessings with a child who had little hope for a future', I'm just ticked off. I hate hearing this "we're so blessed, we'll share" theory to adoption. (And Anita knew she was adopting a special needs child, she apparently went through a qualification process.) You don't adopt a child because you've clearly found the key to happy living and can share it with an orphan -- you adopt because you want a child desperately. The child is not a charity case or a rescue, he's your son, as much as if you gave birth to him.

The fact that her husband was deployed for most of this process, and that the issue of their son caused marital discord whenever the husband was back in the States, is stunning. And four little girls, ALL of them were so dismissive of their brother that they could just casually wave goodbye to him as he left their home forever? None of them had attached to him? WHO had attachment issues again!?

This whole thing sounds like a case of an overly optimistic adoption agency meeting an overly naive adoptive parent, and this poor little boy getting caught in the middle.

[limber]

It also looks like she gave birth to two children AFTER adopting her son, within the 18-month period post-adoption. Which is utterly verboten in the adoption world. Sigh.

[squatmunkie]

It's because the baby is black.

[seattle music]

Right, because she entered into an adoption agreement and spent eighteen months trying to love and care for the child, but then she woke up on morning and said, "O.M.G. he's black!"

Right?

[clsez]

What is this BONDING mumbo jumbo? An adoption does not make the child your biological kid. It is a gift. A GIFT. You pick up the gift, you raise your hand and you extend it to another and once given, it is GIVEN. You don't ogle the kid waiting for him to do something for you in return - Bond. She was in effect shopping for an emotion instead of giving it. She should never be allowed to adopt, ever again! Everyone can get along given the effort which is especially less when it's between adult and child., What a crock..

[GOPBossLimbaugh]

I agree totally!

[limber]

To be completely fair, Attachment Disorder is a real and extremely distressing condition. Sometimes it goes away with therapy, sometimes it doesn't. It's an enormous issue in the adoption world.

...that said? It's an ENORMOUS issue in the adoption world. There is no way that a woman with five children already would not have been loudly warned that an abandoned, physically and emotionally neglected one-year old with learning difficulties would be a PRIME case for Attachment Disorder. Placement agencies are understandably paranoid about placing a child with that sort of history with anyone who isn't willing to see the adoption through. So -- I don't know what happened here, either the mom was lying to herself and the agency, or the agency was shading the situation. I don't know.

But Attachment Disorder isn't a kid who can't bond with one family -- it's a kid who can't bond with ANYONE. So a third family is not good news, no matter what Anita wants to tell herself. That's an AD kid getting the lesson reinforced that the people meant to love you the most will abandon you.

When you adopt, the kid is yours. Yours yours yours. The end.

[aprilinheaven]

A third family is good news if it's the one that hangs in there with D forever. My daughter went through more than a dozen placements, some of them pre-adoptive. We went through hell with her to show her we weren't going anywhere.

What seems to be missing from this conversation is whether or not the couple, or just the mother, "claimed" D - she must not have or she'd still have him. Adoption and claiming is not the same thing. An adoption is a legal event, claiming is an emotional event. When one adopts without claiming, that can lead to disruption ("giving the child back").

[epiphany1234]

Sick!

Now we're into disposable children.

"What's your return policy"??

So typically and disgustingly American.

[seattle music]

I have to go back and re-read this article. I missed the part where "America" decided they couldn't bond with the baby and relinquished him to another family.

[Dana Seilhan]

All flippancy aside, this entire country suffers from attachment disorder. Tedaldi's case is nothing new--she's just publicizing it for some reason I cannot fathom. But we also abandon parents, spouses, siblings, and biological children. Relationships are very disposable in this country; dating is only practice for divorce; parents entrust their children (undeservingly) to institutions to raise rather than do the job themselves. I don't know how much of it is generation-wide TV addiction, or the consumerist mentality, or a loss of religious sentiment (hey, you never know), or what, but it's got to change.

Love is a verb, not a noun. If you don't get that, don't adopt.

[FabulousAt52]

I know, right? Everyone involved admitted this is a fairly rare situation...but suddenly it's all VERY American! LOL

[canongrl]

As an adoptive parent, this story is especially heartbreaking. And on it's surface, Tidaldi is a somewhat sympathetic person. But she did not do her homework when it came to adoption and it is unclear whether she was honest with her social worker (she was pregnant with her fourth bio child when adoption and any reputable agency prohibits this). Her article in the NYTimes struck me as very disingenuous. Less a heartwrenching revelation of the trials of parenting on behalf of those who might be on a similar path, and more a seeking of absolution. In it, her bio children seem to be closer to her heart than any child she didn't carry in her belly. I wonder what she would do if one of them had attachment issues or any other number of inconvenient disabilities that challenged what she felt her life should be: Would she make an adoption plan for one of them if she couldn't handle their behavior? Somehow, I doubt the choice would be the same. This woman was a poor candidate as a potential adoptive parent and the agency/social worker should have determined this easily.

Though the inclination is strong, excoriating her here is pointless. It's best to just say the child is now in a home where he is genuinely loved, let her have her 15 minutes of fame and then move on.

[Lucci]

This woman has numerous blogs. Maybe if she spent less time blogging she would have
bonded with the baby.

[YBLogical]

This is a sad story all the way around. Although I cannot fathom how you can go through the adoption process and then 18 months later change your mind, this is best for the child. Hopefully the family is with now is giving him all that he needs and more. But I can't figure out why she would go public with this unless she's some kind of masochist.