nytimes.com:
You can divorce an abusive spouse. You can call it quits if your lover mistreats you. But what can you do if the source of your misery is your own parent?
Dr. Tian Dayton: Children of Alcoholics Week
Research both in animals and in people show that stress or trauma early in life, like the stress of living with addiction or relationship trauma, can hyper-sensitize neurons and receptors.
Byron Williams: Dysfunctional Family Court System may be Doing More Harm than Good
This is my Sunday column, while it specifically addresses Alameda County, chances are others may find similar experiences in their area. The family court system...
Deepak Chopra: Your Genes Didn't Make You Do It (Part 3)
It seems fairly definite that a specific gene is associated with infants who display shyness. That part is nature. But nurture comes in through how the parents react to an infant's shyness.
Pixar Intro Parody - CollegeHumor video
YouTube - I'm In A Box - BALLOON BOY PARODY HD (lyrics included)
When Kids Kill Abusive Parents - TIME
Dr. Phil.com - Advice - Coping Steps for Verbally Abusive Parents
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Thank you all! Isn't that really the best thing we can do as adults? To love and nuture children and raise the best human beings that we can?
Your experiences are amazing and thank you for sharing!
I have been blessed with good parents, but I know the havoc a bad one can wreak on their kids. I had a best friend for 20 years and her parents were simply awful to her, hated her, and she would do anything for them--it made me so mad! It took me a long time to understand why she'd make excuses for the horrible things her mom especially would do and say to her, but I think this article hit it--the desire for bonding is hard-wired.
I'm still trying to figure out the mess, my friend went from a so-called "normal" person despite her bad childhood to basically turning into her mother. Then I took her place, enduring the abuse and trying to be her "rock" because I knew she didn't have a family to count on. I had to end this friendship when she carried out an attempt to ruin my wedding. Although it was some time ago, I still grieve losing her, but I can't be a part of a toxic relationship of choice. I can hardly imagine what it would be like to be in one without choice at all.
Good luck to all of you children of toxic parents, I really feel for you and wish you the best.
I had the pleasure of working with a wonderful shrink who advised me to walk away from a toxic parent, which I did. Years later, I forgave that parent, because I realized their actions toward me were not personal. It wasn't about me. While healing is not possible in all cases, you can know this -- it's NEVER about you. Emotional maturity and personal responsibility finally get a chance to grow from mastering that single principle.
I think is *was* about me.
I am adopted by my stepdad (my DAD). He's really the only positive parent in my life.
My birth father sexually abused me from as far back as I can remember (2 or so) to the age of 7 (when he decided he didn't want to pay child support anymore and gave me up for adoption).
My mother should have been on antidepressants when I was a child. She abused me physically and emotionally. I can't remember a time when I wasn't trying to get her to love me and yet being angry with her at the same time in my childhood. Much of my adulthood was that way too.
I have no relationship at all with my birth father. I want nothing to do with him. This is a matter of self-protection. His abuse hurt me deeply but his rejection hurt even more and both left lasting scars that have taken years to deal with.
My mom is a different story. I now control very carefully our interactions. She doesn't get to reward or punish me. I took that away from her and own that myself. I had to if I wanted a relationship of equals - not a parent-child relationship.
But my DAD -- he's the best gift I could ever have received. I'm glad my mom married him because he's been the parent and the role model. I can't imagine what my life would have been like without him in my corner.
I expected comments repeating the old myth: "You should always reconcile with your family - not reconciling is a sign of immaturity - you will regret not doing so, etc. etc.". I am so glad to find comments of a different kind. And my heart goes out to everyone who found it a matter of survival keeping a healthy distance from their parents (or one of them).
Btw: I love the books by Susan Forward, e.g. "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life".
My mother used to tell people that I would intentionally pick a subject in school to just completely blow off every term. I know this because I was usually within earshot. She even called me a "f#*kup" to my face once.
I was in a very abusive home while growing up. There were severe beatings, broken bones, hair pulled out...and the emotional abuse was just as bad if not worse. I was constantly told I was an abomination and that she wouldn't baptize me because I was already going to hell. Of course, late at night, she'd talk about how the devil was coming for me...she made me go hungry...just crazy things. I left home at 17 and didn't have anything to do with her for a few years. She got very sick when I was 22. I started visiting her. I loved her very much despite everything that happened.
I agree it IS like Stockholm Syndrome. I wanted her to love me and to treat me right and I forgave her for everything she did. Trust me when I say that lead to serious problems down the road. I'm almost 40 years old and still grapple with it on occasion. I suppose my form of recovery was to be the best parent I could be. Love, love, love my kids! They are a gift to me and I'm honored to be their mom and through that, I have healed the best I probably can.
As adults, people would say we should be 'over it' so hopefully, there IS help out there for people still suffering from toxic parental relationships.
You have suffered a great deal at the hands (or really mouth) of what sounds to be a truly poisonous parent. I am glad you have your children and your own life now. May your life continue to become ever more whole and more complete.
One of my older sisters has been able to grow perfectly normal kids and love them very much, breaking the cycle.
I took my oldest sister's kids because she was abusing them and I think we've broken the cycle too. They are grown now and they know they are loved. Couldn't have any biological kids so I adopted a beautiful girl who knows she's loved too.
You've been through a lot, as most of us have here. Congratulations for having the emotional resources and intelligence to see another way of being in this world and finding the way to make that possible for your kids.
Peace to you.
There are actually a lot of books on this very subject. Two recommendations:
THE MOTHER FACTOR by Dr. Stephen Poulter
NEVER GOOD ENOUGH: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Dr. Karyl McBride
Add:
Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson
It is one of those "now I get it" books
A fine article and so true. A toxic parent can and often does cause terrible damage over the long term.
If they realized what they did, I cannot imagine that they would continue with their behavior.
Someone once said that Stockholm Syndrome is the glue that holds the family together. LOL were they ever right. My mother has made off with everything I own not once but twice over the years. She robbed her mother in law of all her assets as she lay in hospital. She's broken into my house and my sister's house and taken things.
I have a friend whose brother was sent to Iraq. He left his beloved new Jeep, the only valuable thing he owned, with their mom and asked her to make the payment while he was gone. Sitting in Iraq, he sent the money every month for the payment. Came home more than a year later. Mom had sold the Jeep the first month he was gone, and kept and spent the money. She was enjoying the extra monthly income from the payments he had been sending as well.
Why aren't these horrible people sitting in jail? 'Cause they are our moms and we are scared to death of them. That's why. I forget who it was who said fear works better than love, but it's true. All the people I know who are mistreated horribly by their parents tend tend to stay very close to them.
loved the post.
stockholm syndrom ...lol hope you dont mind if i steal that line??
LOL not at all......it's not mine originally, it appeared in a letters thread on another blog. It seemed about right.
Stockholm Syndrome is not something made up for this article.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome
Boy did I live in this nightmare!
While you can't change people, you can attempt to change how they treat you. If they continue the abusive behavior, cut them off. Give them occational opportunities to redeem themselves, but if they don't, you have everything to gain by knowing that you stood up for yourself.
It has made open-ended family gatherings tolerable (never get yourself into a situation that you cannot simply walk out of) & it helps enormously with the misplaced guilt factor.
10 years ago i stopped talking to my mother. no more depression and mood swings. much healthier than being on meds.
Agree. Some people never change :(
One of the most tragic aspects of this issue is that even when we make the incredibly difficult decision to put distance between ourselves and our abusive parent(s), oftentimes it means being cut off from siblings, nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles, cousins, etc.
Even when everyone in the family knows that there was severe physical, emotional and sexual abuse involved, family members -- even those who suffered severe abuse themselves -- will too often choose the abuser over the victim who escaped.
It's true. Why is that?
Anteaus, I think it has something to do with the fact that the controlling abusive people in the family tend to corner and control all the money. Sometimes they do so in very obvious and outrageous ways (see my post above). The create a situation where other family members are dependent on them. I have known cases of abusive parents who have sabotaged their children's jobs so they cannot earn enough money to break free. Really they are no different than abusive spouses.
When one breaks lose, those who are still trapped dare not express disloyalty to their captor. Remember they are dependent, emotionally and often financially. So the one who leaves is the betrayer.
Sadly, abusive spouses in marriage often maintain a lifelong control over the children once the abused partner leaves by playing this card. They don't need full custody to work their poison, only part. I am going through this nightmare with a daughter now.
Human free will is greatly overrated. I think about 25% can walk away. The rest are tied in for life. It's in our genes to survive in groups and submit to a leader. It actually feels good. And when your leader is evil and uses power to benefit only themselves, you are screwed. But only rarely do you fight back.
This kind of abuse reminds me of stories that I hear of great aunts and uncles who have had similar experiences with their parents, usually due to some kind of mental deterioration that caused irrevocable damages to all involved. I must say I am a little disconcerted that emotional abuse isn't as prevalently covered as physical abuse is, especially since both can have equally devastating consequences if not stopped. I think more needs to be done to raise awareness when it comes to detecting and eliminating this destructive chain. I'm sure we would all be surprised by the number of situations in where we know there to be blatant emotional abuse to a child but which goes unnoticed by the parent, mentally signed off as constructive criticism, even though the negative effects continue to manifest inside the child with every disparaging remark.
People often forget that you have to love yourself enough to save yourself, as well.
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First Posted: 10-19-09 06:39 PM | Updated: 10-19-09 06:46 PM