Straight Ex-Spouses: Legalize Gay Marriage

Washington Post:

As the debate over legalizing same-sex marriage in the District grows louder and more polarized, there are people whose support for the proposal is personal but not often talked about. They are federal workers and professionals, men and women who share little except that their former spouses tried to live as heterosexuals but at some point realized they could not.

Read the whole story: Washington Post

Comments

[Peter Danbridge]

(...contin­ued from below)

That is one of the reasons I am not patient when it comes to marriage equality. I've wasted too much of my life believing I am "less than," that I am a second-class citizen. Some of us have grown impatient regarding the issue because we have already wasted so much of our lives. All we have heard over the years is "now's not a good time." We have grown impatient with being asked to sacrifice more years when those doing the asking don't understand how much we've already sacrificed.

That, and the fact that this unAmerican attack on our civil liberties has also been a profound attack of spiritual violence which is penetrating the hearts of gay youth who are in the closet struggling to love and to accept themselves. They are being taught that it is better to lie, manipulate, and deceive than to be openly gay.

[Peter Danbridge]

Straight society is shooting itself in the foot by denying gays the right to marry.

Instead, it is reinforcing the closet existences of straight-i­dentifying gay people who, because of societal and family pressure, use, manipulate, and deceive members of the opposite sex to avoid persecution, judgment, rejection, and hate.

Until I was 26 I was closeted. That year I became involved with a female friend I had known since boyhood. I eventually realized that I lacked character and integrity and that I was a coward, because I was blatantly using this person I genuinely loved. I had to come out to her. And to everyone.

I realized I was actually a MORE moral person accepting my inherent homosexuality and living an authentic life of truth, where I wasn't gambling with another person's happiness.

Fifteen years later I look back on my teen years, my college years, and most of my 20s with lament. I abnegated my youth for the closet. I'll never have those years back.

(continued­...)

[NWBrunette]

Denying people equal rights has a lot of negative repercussions. No doubt the homophobes have not a clue how many people they hurt, how many lives they damage.

[zetacplus]

Either gay marriage should be ruled legal or everyone should receive civil unions and let marriages take place if they so choose. Denying a class of people a right that others have is unconstitutional and hateful. This is something the courts should decide, not the people. A minority's rights should never be put up to a vote. For those that oppose gay marriage, don't marry a gay person then. The majority of people who oppose gay marriage do so because of religious beliefs, and although understandable, those beliefs have no place in someone's equality or civil rights.

[Two Cents]

Interesting piece in NYT, "What's Good for the Kids" (on children raised by same-sex couples):
< http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/08/magazine/08fob-wwln-t.html?ref=magazine >. Just an fyi.

[Philip N. Cohen - Huffpost Blogger]

As we start to learn about same-sex parenting, a lot of the early data are from parent+step-parent couples, one of whom has children from a previous marriage. This is, or at least was, more common than gay couples having or adopting children as a couple. Allowing such couples to marry, like other second-marriage couples, should bring real benefits to these families.

[roblabrousse]

It's foolish to think that gays are causing any of the problems. The moment a group thinks they can go on oppressing another is where it all begins. Straights by accidental circumstances have controlled society for centuries. It is only in this century that gays are finally being able to strike back with force.

It comes at no surprise that gays or any human would compromise their self image to fit in. It happens all the time not only in marriage. Bu t what is pathological here is not the person's conformity but rather the inflexibility and ignorance of society not to be inclusive. The self- satisfaction of the self- important and self-righteous person who lets hate, prejudice,­ignorance, foul thinking, their joy in oppressing and punishing innocent strangers fill them with perverted ecstasy are the ones who call themselves right. They believe in their convoluted minds that "God" loves them more for their "hate crimes" against his other children. These people take pleasure in their hate campaigns. They are doing no one else's bidding but their own. And one wonders where we learn to live a lie.

[GlennInVenice]

Gay marriage will not end these unfortunate homo/hetero unions but will certainly be a step in the right direction.

WIth all the talk about "protecting the children from any sort of education about gay people" the fact that many children are gay is completely ignored.

Gay children (and I self-identified as a very young boy) are usually raised by hetero parents surrounded by hetero images, goals, values, and systems, they sometimes have to endure hours of homophobic religious instructions, and they listen carefully to the media who single out gays for unending ignorant analysis.

Who teaches the gay children how to ask someone out on a date? Who cheers them on when they do?

Who teaches them about same sex sexuality including the need to be safe?

Who teaches the gay children how to date responsibly? Who teaches gay children about morality when it comes to forming, maintaining, and ending relationships?

Who gives them goals and heros and role models?

Simply attending a loving gay wedding ceremony with happy and supportive guests celebrating a loving union would have been a watershed moment in my young life.

Our gay children need that and deserve it. Hateful laws and propositions and ammendments are sending terrible messages TO OUR CHILDREN. You may only realize who your children are in years to come, but some of you through your bigotted hate are abusing your children even as we speak.

[ClassicalLib]

I don't care who's pressing for "CHANGE". The homophobe in chief will never allow gay marriage to become reality.

[HBD]

Those here spreading their hate have yet to explain, using FACTS, how allowing same-sex marriage does any harm whatsoever to opposite sex marriage. The reason they haven't, of course, is that there are no FACTS to support their argument. They have only their bible, which they are free to believe but NOT free to shove down my throat if I choose not to believe it or interpret it in their fashion.

Rather, they are more interested in distorting the argument to include bestiality, incest, polygamy, etc. This is not an "if/then" issue. This is a specific question regarding same-sex marriage. THAT is the question at hand.

So...c'mon­...argue with FACTS if you can.

[TopTigerette]

Civil marriage itself has developed in Western history out of a growing need to protect property rights--pa­rticularly of the heirs of a married couple-- as well as to protect women and children from unscrupulous men who marry but fail to take responsibility for his children.

Marriage is not a "civil right." It is a status conferred by society upon couples whose unions offer society what it most needs -- future citizens. Men and women get together in love and make babies. The larger society benefits when babies are raised well, when they grow up healthy and become tax-payers themselves. Polygamy had to be outlwed in Utah before the US Congress would allow that state to enter the union. Why? Because the American people deplored polygamy, pure and simple. Not just anybody can get married. There are legal limits and that is A GOOD THING.

According to David Blankenhorn, author of The Future of Marriage (published 2007), if we change the definition of marriage, we would weaken the culture and create laws that "mock the idea that children need both their mother and their father." He analyzed data from 35 countries and showed that societal support for the marriage itself is weakest in those countries where support for gay marriage is strongest. In other words, trying to accommodate adult homosexuals has unintended bad side-effects for the rest of society.

[retrorio]

In other words, bigotry strengthens the culture.

[obtusegoose]

That's funny. The other day someone here was telling me that marriage isn't a right, it's a privilege; and because it's a privilege, gay people aren't being discriminated against. Now I find out it's a status. How interesting. I'm sure next week I'll find out it's a magical bonus plan only for straight couples.

Men and women DO get together in love. But half the time they DON'T make babies. Yet, they still get the 1,100+ government benefits that come with the "status" of marriage. Gee... that doesn't make a lot of sense, does it? It's almost as if the government doesn't care whether or not a married couple has offspring.

As for Mr. Blankenhorn's riveting analysis..­. I wonder if he's aware that in Massachusetts (where gay marriage has been legal for five years), the divorce rate is the lowest in entire country. But in the Bible-belt states, the divorce rate is the highest. How interesting.

[Liberal Angel]

Loving v Virginia, marriage IS a civil right.

[4 Real]

I would think you could find cause and effect for just about any societal change. Marriage in Europe has declined for years, couples live together, have kids but don't always go thru the ceremony partly due to better social protections.
Regardless how you spin it, marriage in the US is necessary if one wants the protections that come with it.
If a society provides those benefits w/o the need for marriage, and they also happen to allow gay marriage, one could also conclude that the social safety nets are eroding traditional marriage.

[mercury613]

Oh, please. Here we go with the "what about the children!" hysteria again. Gay couples who want to have children are going to have them whether same-sex marriage is legalized or not. If you really were concerned with "the children", you would support same-sex marriage, as it would strengthen those families.

As far as Blankenholm's research and his statement that "societal support for the marriage itself is weakest in those countries where support for gay marriage is strongest", so what? What exactly are the "bad effects" that result from that situation? Concrete examples, please. (I'm not holding my breath, since marriage equality opponents have thus far filed to answer that very question in Federal court.)

[whitegayrepublican]

I am so blessed to read this article this morning. It's a relief to know that I did not just cause this anguish for someone I was supposed to marry over 15 years ago but that others have gone through this anguish as well.

After we broke off the engagement, we both spent about 3 years attempting to blame one another and the feelings just festered into anguish and now silence and disconnect. raised up in the southern Baptist church with a fire and brimstone ministry was a hard pill to swallow when coming face to face with my truth. I did not and could marry someone knowing that deep down inside I would forsake the marriage for another whether it be man or woman.

In retrospect I am so much better for making the early choice that I've made. I would hope that the world is prepared to catch up and stop making attempt to legislate the people within the bedroom as next up on their agenda will curtains and drapes. think about it.

[roshni]

i give you a lot of credit for doing the right thing in spite of the challenges you faced in your community. I know two women who feel they were used by their gay ex-husbands who chose to pretend to be heterosexual rather than prevent the heartbreak they caused their ex-wives.
I think gay marriage would go a long way towards helping but there are also societal attitudes that must be overcome. I wonder about young gay people who do not have supportive homes or parents who accept their identity.

[whitegayrepublican]

They hang themselves from self-loathe and suicide or they turn to at risk behaviors on the streets (drug use, prostitution, etc. in order to survive). I donate to several causes throughout the year including www.HMI.org (The Hetrick-Martin Institute) in NYC and the Jeff Griffith Youth Center www.laglc.org.

These organizations do phenomenal work and provide assistance to homeless youth whose families cannot accept them for who they are. Makes you think of how truly blessed we are to live in a world where despite love and acceptance to go to war and support wrong-doing many people are willing to go against Jesus' overwhelming teachings to disown their own children at a time of crisis when they need their parents the most.

[JohnJames]

But wait, aren't these people the "good gays" - the gay people who accept the "moral" message that to be gay is immoral? Aren't they doing what our society says everyone should do - live as a heterosexual (regardless of whether you are or not)? So which is it? Who's wrong? These gay people or those who live honestly? Like it or not, it's one or the other and, last I checked, no anti-gay hater was praising those gay people who live honestly in accordance with their sexual orientation.

[OnTheCusp]

Sheesh! If people would just let it be ok for gay people be gay none of this crap would happen.
I cannot get back the last ten years of my life. I surely would have chosen differently if I had known then what my "spouse" knew all along.

[ClareP]

It would still happen, because there will always be some people who don;t want to be in a minority and who want to have what they think are the advantages that go with a traditional marriage and family and being considered part of the "norm." And there will still be gays who grow up in a family or a church that rejects them, and so who still try to hide it. At the same time, it would make it happen a whole lot less often. And that would not only be kinder to gays, but it would also save a whole lot of people from becoming "collateral damage." No one should have to go through that.

[DrP]

If my parents had not married, I guess I wouldn't be here today!!!
However, my mother suffered egregiously from being married to a gay man in a time and place where the subject was so taboo that she didn't even know homosexuality existed (really!). She felt responsible for the failure of her marriage and although she is now remarried and in her 80's, I believe the experience still remains part of her low self-esteem. My father, on the other hand, was a tragic man who never fully accepted himself and continued to remain mostly "in the closet" to the end of his life. When he died, I mourned not just my loss, but the loss of a life that might have been more productive had the social stigmas that led him to marry a woman not existed.
Growing up in that household was strange, to say the least. My siblings and I sensed something was wrong and did not have a healthy model for marriage. We have all had relationship issues and other emotional problems. My father's sexuality is still not openly acknowledged in my family.
Full social and legal acceptance of gay and lesbian marriage and adoption would prevent so much heartbreak

[obtusegoose]

Thanks for sharing that story. It's sad that hate groups such as the National Organization for Marriage never realize the incredible damage they're doing by continuing to demonize gay people. Until people stop trying to use their religious beliefs to make public policy, this issue will continue to plague society and destroy lives.

[roshni]

You make an excellent point. The collateral damage from these marriages is not just the ex spouse but also the children.

[chrisvancil]

@California8 - I thnk you meant to use "distinguish" and not "dissemina­te." That is unless you are talking about spreading race and sexual orientation.

As for people "switching sides" they are either bisexual or simply go back into the closet. No one can change their orientation. Even the people at Exodus Intl admit that the attractions never leave, they just push them down.

That being said it wouldn't matter even if you could simply decide to be straight or gay. There is no compelling reason to discriminate against someone based on who they love.

[California8]

Actually I was thinking discern, but typed disseminate. Thanks for the clean-up. So you don't have a problem with incestuous couples and polygamists getting their full equal rights?

[WhereIsTheTruth]

Tsk, tsk. This coming from a person who chose to deride another person for a grammatical error in their post...

[brahdog]

i don't. incestuous couples are an extreme rarity and i doubt the state works very hard to prevent those marriages anyway.

polygamy opens up a can of logistical worms that would be difficult to sort out, but if it can be done, why the hell not. none of my business. and none of yours.