How To Help Someone Grieve

intent.com:

American culture does not teach us how to grieve. A not-so-uncommon approach is to go to the doctor and get an antidepressant. But this only delays the inevitable. It does not help you to grieve.

Read the whole story: intent.com

Comments

[timezone]

01:20 PM on 11/23/2009

I agree someone should not force help on someone in the grieving process. I also know our culture has taught us NOT to ask for help, or asking for help somehow shows us as lesser, or weaker people. When I know someone's grieving, I don't just casually say, "can I do anything?" I think most people grieving feel it is just a polite question and don't think people really expect you to take them up on it. I wait maybe a week after asking and follow up with a card that is uplifting (not a gloomy In Your Time of Need card) Saying I would be more than glad to assist them in any way I can. That IF they should feel like it, to please call. I am happy to just listen. In other words, I don't give them one shot at my help. I don't let them think they're forgotten. I follow up. Most people appreciate cards even when they don't feel like talking. I think they like knowing someone is thinking of them. So.....I believe one should never be a nuisance, but that gentle cards or emails at least once every week or so, can help someone know you're thinking of them and to give them more than one, or even two, opportunities to receive your support.

[CuriousPaul]

12:43 PM on 11/23/2009

This helpful article deserves careful reading.
People who aren't grieving have a hard time connecting to the cycles of someone else's grief. We get impatient; it seems the loss was a long time ago; our friend was feeling better last time we talked, and now the grief seems worse.
If you've been through a painful loss, the erratic path of someone else's grief may not surprise you, and the duration of their grief may seem natural; still, it's easy to lose track of how time feels in their world.
Want to be helpful? Set reminders in your calendar to get in touch with your friend. Note the anniversary, the six-month anniversary, special holidays. Put something in place that will remind you that they are still living with the loss and the change in their lives.
In my book, Loving Grief, I pointed out that cards and notes from friends were particularly welcome, both during my wife's illness and after she died. A note is very personal but doesn't make the demand for attention that a phone call does. And it can be an occasion for the other person to call you, if they'd like to talk.
Most of all, be willing to hear whatever the other person has to say -- not just hear the words, but accept the truth of it. If they say they don't need anything, they don't need anything. Don't turn your willingness to help into a subtle demand that they let you help.

Paul Bennett

[isis]

09:13 AM on 11/22/2009

I went to the funeral of an agnostic friend recently and it was so comforting not to have to hear that it was God's will or that we would see her in heaven etc. To just hear people talk and express their grief was so freeing and healthy.

[ponderingmuch]

03:07 AM on 11/22/2009

I have been on both ends, and it is hard. My own stunted grief makes it hard to listen without my own getting activated, and I have found that the one looking for the most recent need for comfort gets really pissed if your own is activated.

I do not know the solution.

[LaurieAnn]

01:57 PM on 11/20/2009

I've been doing grief work in a group setting with a certified group therapist. I have found it to be very helpful.

People are also told so often to "move on" but that's not possible without living with and through the grief. Moving on also takes place in ways and on time frames unique to each individual; there is no standard.

I would like to see our society encourage more honest feeling in people rather than such a tough "deal with it" type of attitude. This would be much more conducive to individual healing, growth and the development of a compassionate society.

[whoknew---]

01:39 AM on 11/21/2009

Sometimes I wonder if people just need to respect each other's space when it comes to grieving about a loss.