General Says 'Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat': The Onion (VIDEO)

In light of the recent push to begin repealing, "Don't ask, Don't tell," the law banning gays in the military, the Onion News Network is taking a look back at a report they aired a year ago examining a less talked about argument for why the military is reluctant to let gays serve: they're just "too precious to risk in combat."

One general interviewed was blunt:

Gay people are different. Under no circumstances can we put America's homosexuals in danger...

Gays in America are the only group in America left untouched by war. They're special, pure and rare, like a gleaming diamond or a snow white colt. We must protect them.

Noting that the lives of seven soldiers is worth the life of one gay man, the general was also quick to point out the risk of damage to the gays' "fragile psyches":

Nor should their fragile psyches be subjected to the horrible sights that occur on the battlefield. Their pure minds should be reserved for thoughts of man-on-man or woman-on-woman romance.

We'll be watching to see if this faux-argument gains real traction among Republicans as the law comes closer to being repealed.

WATCH:

'Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat,' Says General

Comments

[michelesda]

08:28 AM on 02/05/2010

Pretty funny take on some pretty serious business. As to the real issue, has anybody brought up the possibility of resentment in the ranks potentially leading to incidents of gay fragging?

[Artos]

04:40 PM on 02/04/2010

I think that what surprises me is that the Military hasn't jumped at the chance to employ gays in the military so that they could get rid of them. That kind of nefarious thinking kind of goes along with the Right wing mentality. Of course they would probably want to construct entire units of just gay troops like they did with the Black men during WWII and even as far back as the Civil War. Could you just see it now in the Army, a Gay Suicide Brigade, or a Ship in the Navy crewed entirely of Gays. Perhaps a unit in the Air Force known as the Frisco Gay-AirMen. That actually seems more in line with their thinking, and then once they found that these units had proven themselves in combat then and only then would they consider integrating them into the regular units. I see Books being written about it and from them Movies galore, Just think the first ever War Musical featuring the Frisco Gay-Airmen. I think we may be on to something here.

[alyseven]

11:54 PM on 02/03/2010

How many lives are worth one gay man's? Seven. Lol! That totally got me.

[alexolife]

01:13 AM on 02/05/2010

Same. I actually lold... OUT LOUD.

[RingworldEngineer]

06:49 PM on 02/03/2010

well, if that just didn't warp my precious little mind.

[bluehand]

05:38 PM on 02/03/2010

I guess he never heard of 'Alexander the Great'; as in the best known, one of the most effective battle field strategist, and antient gay guy.

[prthatrocks]

03:38 PM on 02/03/2010

Well, I guess that settles it then, huh?

[wdmax]

07:57 PM on 02/02/2010

It would be even funnier if this was the truth. The Onion just keeps getting better and better.

I liked the one where two Boy Scouts were trying to get their merit badge in community service by volunteering to teach young girls self breast examinations.

[piul05]

06:47 PM on 02/03/2010

I liked the one about a Zogby poll which found out that 100% of grandparents think their grandchildren are geniuses.

There is also the one on the recall of pugs (2007 model) due to too many manufacturing defects.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/poll_100_of_grandsons

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/dog_breeders_issue_massive_recall

[tiredofthesameoldstuff]

09:04 PM on 02/04/2010

Apparently the onion videos have been said by some people (no idea if it is true) that the videos done by the Onion in a foreign language are in fact accurate.

[NiklasG]

07:56 PM on 02/02/2010

Ah! They got me again. Love The Onion

[OMG1]

07:46 PM on 02/02/2010

Wow, I never heard of the onion and I knew this was a joke. It was funny reading the comments from the dim bulbs though.

[tiredofthesameoldstuff]

09:57 PM on 02/02/2010

The Onion has been around for a long time. They sell numerous books detailing all their past issues. Often times the Onion has been able to predict Republican talking points and what the Republicans will do years before they do it.

[Artos]

04:42 PM on 02/04/2010

Or maybe the Repugs are reading the Onion and getting ideas........

[Douglas90723]

07:04 PM on 02/02/2010

There is a very twisted irony to the old attitude of keeping gays out of the military. Just maybe people subconsciously REALLY do think that gays are too precious to serve in the military.

Would any sane country keep gays at home and just send their straight soldiers into war?

Keeping gays out of the military is not only unfair....it's just plain stu-pid.

[chavo]

06:36 PM on 02/02/2010

Jeeze some of you people need to seriously read better or something. I can't believe the amount of people here who thought this was real.

[dennissinned]

06:02 PM on 02/02/2010

Too funny!!!

[GrownupStewie]

05:56 PM on 02/02/2010

oh i love the onion...

even though the greatest military leader in the ancient world was gay (alexander)...doesnt mean our precious gays should have to fight in a dusty dirty war...the only war they should fight in is at a clearance sale at Z gallery....seriously, it gets ugly..

[devildog21]

05:11 PM on 02/02/2010

Judging by some of the comments on this page, it's obvious that many people don't have a clue what the "Onion" is all about.

This was pretty funny.

[Artos]

04:44 PM on 02/04/2010

An Onion has many layers, just like life, and all of them will make you cry if you peel them.

[BannedFromCommenting]

04:48 PM on 02/02/2010

LOL, too funny how many have posted here taking it as real! LOL! Shows you how well the Onion does, and how many do NOT know about The Onion