Everyone on Twitter's enjoying this battle royale between Bay Area ABC News reporter Dan Noyes and Laguna Honda Hospital And Rehabilitation Center spokesperson Marc Slavin. Noyes is a hulking sack of pompous wind! Slavin is PR wisp who believes his hands possess magic calming powers! Noyes doesn't like to be touched. Really, really doesn't. Slavin just wouldn't know what to do with himself if he wasn't able to gently palpate another man's broad shoulders.
And so, we have this video, of Noyes, over and over again, complaining, "Do not touch me. Do not touch me," while Slavin does just that. For a brief mad moment, you worry that Noyes might bust out the top kill on Slavin, but eventually, Slavin's Xanax hands do the trick and the confrontation subsides.
Obviously, all of this could have been avoided if one of these bros had just iced the other one.