When Parents Become 'Friends' With Their Kids (VIDEO)

There has been a shift in parenting behavior from the authoritative superior to wanting to be best friends with your kids -- a trend child psychologist Jennifer Hartstein refers to as "dangerous water."

"You are never at the same level as your kids. As a parent, there's a power differential," Hartstein said on CBS's Early Show. "There's a boundary issue there, and once that's crossed it's very hard to go back."

Parents expect things of their children, and vice versa, that are not expected of friends, she explains.

But being "BFFs" with your kids can be very tempting, partly because parents think it will make kids more likely to open up share information with them.

A better approach, says Hartstein, is to set the tone for open and honest communication without crossing the line and getting too buddy buddy.

WATCH:

Comments

[Doris]

10:39 PM on 09/08/2010

Maybe not friends but friendly. Parents don't need to be as rigid as the parents of the 30s or 50s - where children were not really human beings. It also helps to have a friendly relationship with your child when they hit 18 and then 21...and up - since basically they are adults at that point and there is not really much you can say. If they trust you, they will still ask your advice. If they fear you, then don't expect to know anything or even see them much.

[Op2mystic1]

12:00 PM on 09/08/2010

I am now raising my 11yr. old grandson whose mother and father both tried to be friends instead of parents. There IS a line that can be crossed. Children need guidance and limits set to a point. My grandson is much happier now then he ever has been. He knows what is expected of him and has set guidelines. He doesn't try to manipulate us as he did his parents. He knows we are there to help him and to enjoy his company on his level as well as ours but not as an equal in a friend sort of way. We are not in competion with him.

[Lisa Shields]

07:17 AM on 08/23/2010

I have to wade in here,
My mother used to say 'i'm not my friend, i'm your mother," In fact, she frequently was neither. She was a needy individual, who was jealous of any relationship I had, and most of the time I was HER mother, taking care of her emotional needs to a ridiculous degree,

Yes, there are boundaries between mothers and daughters,Someone has to be the grown up. But my relationship with my daughter is not adversarial. I've learned to pick my battles, and my daughter is turning into an independent, brilliant young woman,,,who seems to enjoy my company, and is not embarrassed or ashamed of me.

i agree that parents need to maintain their focus with their kids...but it doesn't have to be a war if you are willing to listen to them. Being a mother is not about being a fascist, or a dictator. And being a child is not about mindlessly following every dictate. My daughter calls me her friend...and that is a title I am honored to accept,

[Dominick Lawniczak Evans]

03:56 AM on 10/03/2010

Lisa,

Your mother sounds similar to my own, other than me being the parent. I have tried to avoid making the mistakes my parents made with me, with my own child. I also disagree that being a friend to your child does not mean you do not discipline them. I have very high expectations for my son and he is expected to follow rules. At the same time, we can hang out and talk about issues important to him, joke around, and have a good time.

The key is in finding a balance between disciplining a child and being their friend. Being his friend does not mean I condone breaking the rules. It also does not mean I will stop being his friend. My son has Aspergers and Bi Polar, so making actual friends is hard enough. I do not want him to believe that his parents won't even be his friends. But, my girlfriend and I know there is a time and place to be Mom and Dad and a time and place to be, Mom and Dad, friend to their son.

[TaurusRose]

08:15 AM on 08/19/2010

it goes even deeper, and into even more dangerous waters.
It isn't being 'friends' with them so much, it's being siblings.
They want to be brothers and sisters together.

[clabberty]

02:51 PM on 08/22/2010

That is so very true. Excellent point. So many adults never grew up and think they're still teenagers. They don't want to be parents and take responsibility so they kid themselves, somewhere in their minds, they are a sibling. They compete with their children. They act like children with their drinking, drug taking, dating, etc. Dangerous water is right.

[lotus321]

05:47 PM on 08/18/2010

You can't be your kids friend.