The Onion: Thousands Of Girls Match Description Of Missing Sorority Sister (VIDEO)

10/19/2010 02:56 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

In another hilariously accurate report from The Onion News Network, we learn of a missing college girl that matches the description of every sorority sister in the United States. The hopes that Jessica, who was last seen wearing "a tank top, Ugg boots and blue sweatpants with 'Pink' written across the butt," will return are slim. Every single "nutritional sciences major with side bangs who loves 'America's Next Top Model' has responded to the search, with no luck in finding her so far. The search continues, but DNA testing now looks like the only option.