Step-Mom Success: How To Deal With The Ex-Wife

Story courtesy of Babble

By C.J. Parker

You've finally found the One. He's kind, loving and comes with some delightful freckle-faced baggage: a darling little boy whom you adore. So what's the problem? The other woman . . . your man's ex . . . the mother of that speckled moppet. Forging a cordial relationship with your husband's ex is crucial, not only for the child's sake, but for the health of your marriage as well. Fear not! It can be done, and here's how:

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I know, I know. You've heard the whole sordid story from her non-stop nagging to her spendthrift ways, or worse. You can listen sympathetically all day long to the man you love and nod soberly at still another example of outrageous behavior from the shrew that is the mother of his children. But then you must step back, take a deep breath and push it deep down into the recesses of your mind. Compartmentalize, lady! You have to come from a place of neutrality because if you really do begin to dislike, okay hate, your man's ex - make no mistake, she will know it. You don't have to love her, or even like her, but you can't hate her. People can easily see, hear and physically feel hate. Do you remember that girl in high school? The one you stole that cute bass player from? She despied you - and you knew it. Photo via Flickr: thisisbossi

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I know, I know. You've heard the whole sordid story from her non-stop nagging to her spendthrift ways, or worse. You can listen sympathetically all day long to the man you love and nod soberly at still another example of outrageous behavior from the shrew that is the mother of his children. But then you must step back, take a deep breath and push it deep down into the recesses of your mind. Compartmentalize, lady! You have to come from a place of neutrality because if you really do begin to dislike, okay hate, your man's ex - make no mistake, she will know it. You don't have to love her, or even like her, but you can't hate her. People can easily see, hear and physically feel hate. Do you remember that girl in high school? The one you stole that cute bass player from? She despied you - and you knew it.

Photo via Flickr: thisisbossi

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quindy said on 10 Wednesday 2010 pm30 6:01 pm: You next article should be on how to deal with your ex's new wife. So far, I haven't met a single one that was not jealous of the ex-wife and kids. Crazy goes both ways.

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Comments

[romans mama]

07:51 PM on 12/01/2010

I sooo needed this!! Thank you.

[ThePrincessPat]

01:54 PM on 11/19/2010

I've only just begun to delve into the comments here, but wanted to share my overall philosophy.

I've been a stepmom for 12 years, now. I am insanely proud of that 'step' in 'stepmom', whenever my stepdaughter calls me that.

I'm not her mom. Mom is easy compared to stepmom.

Mom is 'I gave birth to you, so I have to take care of you'.

Stepmom is 'I chose to parent you with your father. It was not always easy, but you are important to him and to me. Our relationship was built on the effort that we each put into it because we value this relationship with each other. I love you and am honored to have you in my life'.

So, you can keep 'mom' for this one, anyway. For my biokids, well, I have to work harder to make sure that they know that I love & value them as much as I do their big sister :-)

Bio-mom stepped out of her daughter's life when she was 14yo, btw. I've been the only female parent she's had for 5 years, now. I'm sure that, when wedding bells ring, I'll be asked to take on the role of 'mother of the bride', but I'll put a word in to the printer to make sure that the program reads 'stepmother', because my stepdaughter is that awesome!

[CFRMediation]

03:50 PM on 11/14/2010

It does seem that much of this advice promotes conflict or a continuous rift between the mothers and step-mothers. Although it can be difficult to have a relationship with someone an ex-spouse has chosen and may even be the person that was the catalyst for the split, when there are kids involved a working relationship between all adults is required. At a minimum, both women must seek a cordial relationship - a positive relationship between a mother and step-mother is the brass ring and something to strive for.

Sometimes it is helpful to look at these relationships through the perspective a child. A child does not understand or respect the nuanced layers of emotion that are involved in these relationships – and rightly so. Children are going to see and relate to step-parents as a parental figure and they want all of their “parents” to get along.

Focusing on the children involved takes away the pressure of making friends with someone you did not choose to know. Make sure that everyone has the same idea of successful parenting. Most importantly, do not look at one another as the enemy but a member of the same team. The kids have no second chance at being a child. How the adults in their lives maneuver these difficult relationships teach the kids how to approach their own relationships in the future.

[ms lc]

11:04 PM on 11/12/2010

I'm both an ex-wife and a step-mom and I found the article to be rather naive and hostile towards ex-wives. It sounds to me like some healthy boundaries need to be made. What goes on in your household is your business, so yes of course a subsequent wife has a say over how the stepkids behave in her presence in her own home. Don't go it alone, though. Your husband is their dad so you need his input.

Another point: If you're seeing a man and his ex-wife is driving you that crazy, maybe you shouldn't marry him.

Finally, watch the way your husband talks about and treats his ex-wife. Don't turn into a tag team against her because subsequent marriages have high divorce rates - higher than first marriages. Chances are he'll treat you upon divorce the same way he treats his current ex-wife while you are married to him. And things may get worse for you if he gets a new girlfriend or third wife. This is an interesting and sad thing to see when it happens.

[hismuse]

09:28 PM on 11/13/2010

I could, unfortunately, relate to this post too much, I'd gladly use those tactics if I were given the chance.

[Nicole Maron]

12:58 PM on 11/15/2010

Agreed. Not all ex-wives are hostile and crazy, and stepmothers should absolutely be part of the parenting team, juat not the quarterback. It is ridiculous and immature to assume otherwise, and the author's central message of "shut up, say nothing to the kids except to compliment the ex, then bitch to your own friends" is **terrible** advice. Kids are savvy and know when you are being inauthentic. And why isn't there one word about looking to your husband for support in building relationships with both the kids and the ex? There are some amicable divorces, and many exes maintain healthy relationships, if they can get past the juvenile behavior proposed here.

[GallopingGoat]

02:14 AM on 11/12/2010

This article has the perspective of a young writer, and one that gives bad advice, frankly. Having had two step-mothers and one step-father I can say that the transition is what you want to make it. As a step-parent, don't challenge the BM-child relationship, add to it, thereby creating a relationship all your own. As the parent, don't invite the step-parent to take the lead (certain recipe for disaster) in either relationship - with the child or their BP. Finally, as a step, never deride, ridicule, alienate or dismiss the BP - children, even those that are abused or neglected, will always side with their parent until trust has been established with another adult - and verbally attacking the BP isn't going to make that happen. A marauding stranger telling you that your mother or father is some crazy wacko is going to get you in trouble, fast. As the step, be unimpeachable, and soon any disparaging remarks from the BP will ring untrue. Ultimately, and I guess this is my point, it's not about your relationship with the ex, it's about your relationship with the child. Children are smart - they'll sort out who's on the level and who's not.

[LAwaters]

07:54 PM on 11/11/2010

I have 4 daughters with my ex. I met his wife before they married, and hoped she would see that I had no ill-feelings toward her. Her glare and refusal to say more than a terse "hello" told me she fully believed his view that I was a horrible person. She felt threatened enough even after they married to offer to cut me out of a picture his parents had of our family from pre-divorce - in front of my youngest two daughters. They were deeply hurt. Other behavior she displayed cost her the chance of having a good relationship with them - and that saddens me. I couldn't be less interested in having him back - I went on to find the woman who is the love of my life. My daughters have had to hear them rail against gays and hear that their mom is going to hell. Yet when my ex lost his job, I voluntarily requested a hold on child support. After that support hearing, I encouraged him to heal so he would not destroy his new family (2 more daughters). Though his toxic behaviors caused so much pain in the past, I continue to hope he finds a way to change, and to be happy and at peace. Not all ex-wife/birth moms are pyscho. I don't think it's helpful to take an extreme view of anyone. All parties need to learn to be mature, patient and compassionate.

[hismuse]

09:29 PM on 11/13/2010

I think this view was towards the difficult and bitter ex-wives, who aren't just in fairy tales but in real life too.

[Nicole Maron]

01:02 PM on 11/15/2010

Yes, perhaps this article was simply mis-titled. It should have been "How to Deal with the Ex-Wife when You Have Given Up All Hope of Having a Functional Relationship with Her"

[unity13]

05:53 PM on 11/11/2010

My husband's ex sued for my income days after we were married. That was just the beginning of a bad relationship with her. I tried to stay neutral for years (actually I went beyond and tried to pretend we got along). I realized acting like there wasn't a problem when we consistently had to deal with ugly, vindictive, or at best immature behavior didn't demonstrate the appropriate response. It didn't take long for us to be awarded custody. If a parent is abusive, it is not in the children's best interest to pretend their actions are acceptable.

[LemonFreshScent]

05:05 PM on 11/11/2010

I feel lucky that my man's ex and I get along just fine.

[GTWiecz]

11:58 AM on 11/11/2010

After reading all the comments I say: stay married if there are children involved. See the mess that divorce causes. The grass is never greener, and the excitement of a new BF or GF disappears as the years go by. Getting divorced just because you're bored? Think of the kids.

[Schmice]

12:04 PM on 11/11/2010

Gotta hand it to you. In the end, you're right.

[lovelyLia]

06:57 PM on 11/11/2010

There's no one right answer for every situation. It depends on the maturity level of the parents and many other factors.

[onrecess]

10:35 AM on 11/11/2010

A 9?

[onrecess]

10:23 PM on 11/11/2010

mm

[Jbalfour]

10:31 AM on 11/11/2010

I can tell you right now that number 3 "She is Insane" is totally bogus.Those crazy feeling are there for a while; can you blame people for being upset for a little while? Mom has always been polite and friendly with Steve's wives. Honestly, she understands what they're going through (there is a reason he has been married so many times). My mother's ex-husband, my brother's father, spends Christmas with us. His current wife is respected and adored by my mother and my family. Steve is like an Uncle to me. I'm sorry but the she is crazy forever thing is total BS.

[socdem]

01:06 PM on 11/11/2010

Trust me, my dear, there are some VERY insane ex-wives out there. (Finally my husband's son has seen through all the lies and HE has reported his mother's activities to Social Services...) There are some women and men who should never get married and should never have children - that is the truth.

[Jbalfour]

02:55 PM on 11/11/2010

I'm sure there are but to paint every ex wife as raving lunatic forever is asinine.

[hismuse]

09:32 PM on 11/13/2010

Yes. Yes. YES!

[coastalcarla]

03:11 PM on 11/11/2010

You haven't met my hubby's ex. 7 years of insanity and counting...

For some, it's right on the money. Be thankful that wasn't the case in your family. It's a nightmare.

[dvrcncouragist]

10:24 AM on 11/11/2010

Great article for anyone dealing with a difficult BirthMom. For those of us who learned the hard way, these lessons can take years to learn.

[hismuse]

09:32 PM on 11/13/2010

Oh yes, I wish I knew a lot of this stuff from the beginning but then I'm not sure it would have done any good.

[zazabeau]

10:03 AM on 11/11/2010

Even the premise of this article offended me. According to the author, I am the psycho ex. Yet I think very highly of my former husband's new wife. Through her marriage to my ex, she helped restore some normalcy to our "family unit." The kids see a happy dad and a happy mom...just in two different relationships. He and I share custody. Whenver our two teenagers are with their dad and stepmom, every other weekend and many holidays/part of summer, I never have any qualms about how they spend their time or are being cared for. The stepmom has taken a somewhat laid back approach to her step-parenting, but she'll discipline as she sees fit, and the kids love her. She's very different than me. I think the role of step-parent is extremely difficult, regardless of how smooth the divorce went and how well the former spouses currently get along. (Don't forget stepdads!) I know the crazies are out there, but I would think the craziness would be directed toward the ex-husband, not the stepmom. (It's like the movie, Stepmom, with Julia Roberts, Susan Sarandon, & Ed Harris. I HATED it. Where was the dad in the whole conflict? Why wasn't he taking any of the heat, or defusing any of it? He needed to sit those kids down and have a talk with them, not the stepmom. He wasn't doing his job.)

Bad article full of cliches.

[hismuse]

09:34 PM on 11/13/2010

Oh no, as a stepmom I can tell you the ex goes directly towards the new woman in his life. She stalked me and threatened me and made our lives a living hell. It happens, I know many who it's happened to. I wish she could have given me a chance so I could have had a relationship with his daughter and his daughter could be a part of our lives.

[janejoad]

02:10 AM on 11/11/2010

I got my daughter when she was 3 years old. Her parents, my husband and his ex-wife, were sort of immature so I bonded with her because I was also a kid whose parents divorced before I was two. The first time she said, "you're not my Mommy," I said No, I'm not, but I am a Mom and I promise to take care of you and Daddy and I don't make any promises that I can't keep. Deal? So we made a deal.

24 years later, this child I helped raise, chose ME as her role model when she applied for a position and one of the questions was about role models.

She got treated the same as my other 2 kids, who are 11 and 13 years her senior, and chose to live with US permanently when she was 12. She's the only child we have together, and I'm proud she CHOSE ME as a role model when she was asked if she had one.

On 9/11/2010, she gave us a beautiful granddaughter named Bela. I resented her Mom's treatment of her growing up (she treats her like a BFF not her kid) but I know she loves her, and I was happy to hug her and be excited that we would both be Grandmothers' (but I'm the Grammy) and 24 years went by in a blink. It does take a village.

[Cathy Meyer]

11:38 PM on 11/10/2010

I'm a mom, my boys have a step-mom and somehow I manage to exhibit good judgment AND rational behavior when in the presence of my ex. To suggest that my mind is "clouded" by any feelings for him is to suggest that I still have an emotional connection to my ex. Do step-moms actually go around thinking that her husband still has that kind of hold over his ex-wife? Ridiculous!

And also, when my son has been in the care of his step-mom I've NEVER had any worry over how he was being cared for. She has always treated my son with love and kindness. The "cruel reality" is, if you are an adult you are able to behave as an adult whether you are mom or step-mom.

[Jstamom28]

01:12 AM on 11/11/2010

Hi, Cathy! I have been reading much about your article and comments lately since HuffPo launched the Divorce section. I found most of them very helpful. Here is my dilemma. My ex and I have been divorced for 5 years now. Our son is now 10 years old. My ex is now remarried and have a 2 year old son. Since my ex works long hours, my son stays with his aunt. I've agreed to have his aunt and uncle to provide daycare for our son. The thing is that I have no issues with his wife, my son's stepmother. My son says he hardly hangs out with her which tells me that my sons stays with the aunt and uncle most of the time. It is the aunt (mostly) and the uncle I have issues with. They must be in their late 50's or early 60's. I don't talk much to my ex because we seem to always argue. But now that my son is older where there are more school activities available for him, that he wants to join, things are getting a little complicated. I feel like I'm having to deal with his aunt and uncle all the time since they're the ones taking my son to all of his activities. At one recent misunderstanding, his aunt was furious at me for not explaining to them in detail that my son joined robotics. She's even called me names.

[Schmice]

12:39 PM on 11/11/2010

It is very nice that your son will know his uncle and aunt. Hopefully his step mother, too. You have to separate the family aspect out of the Daycare business aspect. Daycare is, after all, a job. Did the original job description factor-in expanding school activities and logistics? Offer to pay them more or make it up to them somehow. At their age, they've already raised a family and are now going through the same thing again with someone else's kids. It is exhausting. By the way, they aren't so old that they don't still have their own plans and activities. Raising kids is a full- time, often thankless job. See how you can lighten their load, tell them what it is you need from them as part of the Daycare. Try to give them a few extra bucks if you can. Consider it a fee for freeing up your time follow your own pursuits. It also makes it a business transaction where the issue is just a labor dispute and not a personal dispute.

[Jstamom28]

01:22 AM on 11/11/2010

Our schedule is 50/50 and week-to-week with Wednesday sleepovers. I've tried to be neutral and wise about handling this matter but now I am restless about what is happening and worried about the future events that has to do with my son's activities. I understand that they are very doting and loves my son so much. They never had a child of their own and raised my ex since he was 13. I have sucked much of my ego and tried to think of it as a good thing that they are taking good care of my son. However, I feel that they act as if they are a parent to my son. My ex and I rarely have any mutual agreements and they always have to abide by what the court paper says which is fine by me but kinda odd that they are actually having the court paper or order raise our child and it's not very flexible. My son has lots of talent, potential, and is very kind and compassionate. He tries to be fair to both sides. But I fear that the rigidness of this whole thing is going to hinder him to grow. I try not to stir the pot for my son's sake but as a mother, I am left feeling worried and uncomfortable about the situation. Please lend me some advice. Thank you.

[Cathy Meyer]

02:33 PM on 11/12/2010

@Jstamom, drop me an email at [e-mail]. I'll be happy to off some advice!