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ABC News Reports That ABC News Will Be Awesome

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Good news, everyone! ABC News just sent word of a breaking story -- an ABC News exclusive, in fact! -- straight to my inbox. So let it resound: ABC News is reporting that ABC will be awesome, forever!

Good heavens! Why did they rush this as part of the Friday afternoon dump? Why are they telling me this at all? Probably because they didn't want to be scooped by WikiLeaks.

In a packed ABC News studio, incoming network president Ben Sherwood vowed to "work his heart out" to propel the news division to success.

"This is the greatest building in all of television, and the people who work here are the best in television," said Sherwood, who noted that it was "emotional" to walk into the ABC News headquarters this morning for the first time in years.

"It is our mission to think as boldly as possible," said Sherwood.

Yes! ABC News already has an amazing building, and it's filled with the best people who have ever worked on television, so it's time go get bold. Man, I'm starting to get emotional, myself!

Ben Sherwood, who was the producer of "Good Morning America" from 2004 to 2006, will be replacing David Westin, who got similarly caught up in the emotional dynamism of this historical moment, and through "tears," vowed to "get off the playing field" and "cheer" ABC News from "up in the stands." He thus leaves behind a rich legacy of sports metaphors.

From what I can tell from this news story, ABC News is pretty certain that ABC News will continue to straight up rock, because there's nary a critical word to be said about any of the things that the ABC News team has uncovered about this change at the top of their own organization. Sherwood has a "deep intelligence" and a "restless curiosity" and a "burning desire," and I already wish I could date him, go home with him, feel him as he envelops me in his arms and let's me feel his passion flow through me, our bodies one.

"Humbled," at his new opportunity, Sherwood said that his experience within ABC News will give him a significant leg up in the post.

BREAKING: ABC News reports that the head of ABC News says that having experience working at ABC News is advantageous to anyone who wants to work at ABC News.

So what happens now?

"We have to find a way to differentiate ourselves, innovate and find a new way of connecting to our audience," he said. "We must be ferociously competitive."

ABC News Digital will be of the utmost importance in this mission, according to Sherwood.

"Digital is everything, it's essential," he said. "I'm going to challenge our digital team to think really big thoughts."

ALL HANDS TO THE CHAMBER OF IDEATION!

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