Investigative Reporter Discovers That Food Stamps Can Be Used To Buy Food

12/07/2010 02:28 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

For reasons beyond my understanding, the Daily Caller has a post up today that purports to investigate what a person can buy with food stamps. Well, okay, BREAKING: you can buy food with them. Also beverages.

That's basically it, but to lard out the piece into several paragraphs, Matthew Boyle does that thing where you take concepts that are easy to grasp and pretend that they are shocking surprises. For instance: the food at Whole Foods is rather expensive! Also, you can buy food with food stamps that is not necessarily very good for you. And special pains have been taken to point out the surprising news that you cannot actually use food stamps to buy things that are inedible:

Ironically, my food stamps didn't cover the five-cent D.C. tax on grocery bags, so I paid that in cash. It was the only money I spent that didn't come from the government.

You wouldn't think it news to find out that you cannot purchase plastic bags with foodstamps, seeing as how humans cannot actually digest them. You would think that someone who's thunderstruck by this news is someone for whom the basic matters of modern life is a crippling bafflement. To mitigate against this, Boyle goes to great lengths to point out that he can take virtually anything in the average CVS and turn it into something alcoholic, or put it to use as a garnishment to getting fracked up.

For creative college students planning a party, the possibilities are endless. Here are some things you can buy with food stamps without breaking the law or the bank:

* Limes for Coronas or other Mexican beers
* Soda water or tonic water for mixed drinks
* Coke for Jack and Cokes
* Drink mixers, as long they have an FDA nutrition label on them and don't have alcohol in them
* Appetizers from the frozen food section
* Chips, salsa, cheese, and crackers
* Red Bull for Jager-bombs
* Jell-O to make Jell-O shots
* Any other snack product
* Gatorade for nursing the next day's hangover
* Egg Nog (for Egg Nog and Brandy mixed drinks during the holidays)

I mean, you can buy frozen foods from the frozen food section of stores that sell food to people with food stamps? This changes everything.

Anyway, food stamps! They buy food! For optimal results, food stamp recipients should probably find a way to split the difference between a single gourmet meal from the most expensive grocer in the world and the menu at a Sigma Chi kegger, the end.

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