Men And Commitment: Why Guys Don't Want To Settle Down

goodmenproject.com:

By Hugo Schwyzer
The Good Men Project Magazine

The marriage rate is falling, and one reason is that more people are finding alternatives that work better for them. But another reason is that too many young people--men especially--have such lofty expectations for marriage (and such fears of divorce) that they set themselves up to never be "ready."

Read the whole story: goodmenproject.com

Comments

[Dogmudgeon]

01:53 AM on 03/07/2011

It's not OUR fault -- it's all THEIR fault!

They SUCK! We RULE!

(Somebody remind me -- what, and WHO, were we fighting about?)

[SaneThoughts]

01:05 AM on 02/18/2011

Is it any wonder? Marriage as an institution is contrived, unrealistic and restrictive. Add to that the conservative religious types that force roles and behavior on the couple. These over the top groups heap lots of penalties for divorce. Marriage needs to be redefined. Some live in horrible circumstances because of marriage. Isn't that a huge intrusion by forcing people to have a license to procreate. Conservative types are always talking about getting government out of peoples lives but they are the ones intruding at the most fundamental levels. Look up hypocrisy in the dictionary and it will say: Refer to conservative or republican or religion.

[shawnie5]

11:57 AM on 02/19/2011

Since when are people forced to have a license to procreate while 40% of births are unmarried?

[MikeDu]

11:11 AM on 02/17/2011

Substitute 'marriage' for 'wedding'. women of a certain age and social class apparently aren't pining for the bonds of matrimony so much as for the big party and the exotic holiday. Does the fabled "Bridezilla" bother to think much beyond hotel room reservations in Cancun?
 
conversely, if instead of 'wedding' you substitute the phrase' 'set up a household' the issue shifts again. It may berather difficult for 25 year old  Jimmy-Bob to contemplate starting a new family when he's currently underemployed and sleeping in his mom's furnished basement.

[Suzie2]

02:19 PM on 02/17/2011

Oh absolutely!!! I think we should change the tradition. All women would have a sort of "coming of age" party, around 25 or so. Have the dress, the dinner, the brides maids dresses. Even a vacation. I was planning my wedding at 5 years old. I really feel ripped-off that I didn't get one! Now I'm too old.

That would put probably put less pressure on men to marry their girlfriends, since the party would be a separate thing.

(I'm not being sarcastic! I've known couples that fight all through planning their wedding.)

[StarDagger]

01:49 PM on 02/19/2011

Coming of age should be at 13 not 25, part of the problem that we have in society is that 30 year olds acting like immature children.

Alexander the Great conquered the known world at 16, most 16 yo boys now can't conquer their rooms!

[craichead2011]

02:56 AM on 02/17/2011

I think if you offered women the same deal men get when it comes to marriage that they'd simply be seen as prudent for shying away.

From the first date, to courtship, the engagement ring, the wedding, the kids, the marriage counseling and divorce -- every step favors women.

Men today hardly have a place in the family any more except at the behest or approval of the woman involved. Men love their kids as much as women do, so when the kids come, the balance of power in the relationship is irrevocably changed forever in favor of the woman.

[ExitZero]

06:23 AM on 02/17/2011

It's interesting that you think marriage favors women, when it's well known that men are the ones most likely to remarry after divorce. Married men live longer and are healthier than single men, whereas the opposite is true of women. Factual evidence suggests that marriage is indeed more suited to male needs and male happiness than it is to women's.

The "balance of power" hardly shifts when kids come. In most cases that just means mom must work twice as hard, earn less money and get less support than she did before. Men love their kids, but there's a reason moms end up being the ones who sacrifice energy and income to a far greater extent than men. Is it because the mother-child bond is stronger because it grows throughout pregnancy or is it because the mother from the start is more deeply emotionally invested in her child? Whatever the reason, the mother child bond is a force of nature that good dads learn to respect rather than resent. That's what makes strong families.

[Shaun Hensley]

09:23 AM on 02/17/2011

Considering those statistics you love to cite, it's hard to understand why you feel the need to tell men to drop the marriage strike. You'd think you would encourage it in order to free your sisters from the burden of marriage.

[shawnie5]

10:53 AM on 02/18/2011

It takes a lot more than that to make strong families. Most dads have plenty of respect for their kids' relationship with mom. It's typically moms who undervalue the kids' unique relationship with dad and think he can be easily replaced in the event of a split. Both kinds of respect would go a long way toward strengthening families.

[Widespread Panic]

09:12 PM on 02/16/2011

Maybe they are scared of being faithful to one person for the rest of their lives. For some men, the whole idea of that is daunting and terrifying.

[Shaun Hensley]

09:32 AM on 02/17/2011

Women know they are more likely to get away with cheating, they're better liars.

[Simone Hill]

02:00 PM on 02/16/2011

I'd say that #3 "American women tend to pressure men into marriage" is a false statement. In fact, marriage was an institution created by men. Originally marriage mean that a wife was the property of her husband. In modern day society, there have even been studies showing that when men find a suitable mate, its often the man who wants a permanent commitment because he feels that once he puts a ring on her finger, he feels that she belongs to him in a sense and he's done having to put so much effort into the relationship just to keep her... hence the high divorce rate. It's often men that rely on women for cooking, cleaning, etc as well... things he often doesn't like to do when he's single.

[craichead2011]

02:52 AM on 02/17/2011

Women were never property of their husbands in the western world. That's a myth.

Second, it's actually quite common for women to pressure men into marriage.

[ExitZero]

06:39 AM on 02/17/2011

Until the very late 19th century, married women weren't even allowed to own property, let alone exercise any individual pursuits. As William Blackstone put it: "By marriage, the very being or legal existence of a woman is suspended, or at least incorporated or consolidated into that of the husband, under whose wing, protection, or cover she performs everything."

In America, until the Married Women's Property Act of 1848, women lost all the property they owned prior to the marriage (it became the husband's property) and they also weren't allowed to earn or own any property of their own during the marriage.

It wasn't until 1839 that women were even allowed to have custody of children after divorce, and that only covered children under 7. It was another 50 years before women were allowed to have custody of children older than 7.

It's easy to rewrite history now, but the fact is our current situation corrects an historic imbalance that defined the entire history of mankind until the past 150 years or so.

[AllyCat7]

01:09 PM on 02/16/2011

Oh and one more observation, being reticent to get married is something that either gender can experience. I think it has more to do with other factors, like life experience and factors within the relationship (like if one is being pressured, etc.), than it does with gender. I am currently dating a guy now who's been pressuring me for the last two years to get married and I am dragging my feet. Roles can definitely be reversed.

[AllyCat7]

01:07 PM on 02/16/2011

Men not wanting to settle down is definitely NOT a universal trend. My family is from the Middle East and most guys in my culture are very eager to get married. In fact, they are the ones pressuring the girls to marry and they usually propose within a few months. Of course there are exceptions, but that is the general rule.

I think the main reasons why thing are so different can be traced to a few factors:

1. "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" mentality. Hey, it may hurt, but it's the truth.
2. Divorce laws in the U.S. makes marriage a huge financial risk for men.
3. American women tend to pressure men into marriage, which always backfires. In fact, the LESS pressure you put on a man, the more inclined he will be to want to marry you. And if you give him space and he still doesn't propose, the answer is easy. Just walk away and find someone else. The ironic thing is that even if a guy does finally relent to the pressure of a woman, he will usually end up resenting it. Men like to make decisions on their own and the fact that they felt forced into something so huge can loom over the marriage for years if not eternally. It's far better to be single or find someone else than it is to be with someone you had to pressure to be with you.

[pgurlatl]

02:06 AM on 02/17/2011

I think it is a cultural thing. My parents are West Indian and I have found that even the descendants of West Indians raised in the states are more likely to get married than African-Americans here.

I see that also with 2nd generation Africans in the states.

[ExitZero]

06:29 AM on 02/17/2011

Interesting perspective. You're saying that in the Middle East, where women are universally and scandalously oppressed, men want to marry them. Here, where they may have to treat their wives like human beings in the case of divorce, they aren't as interested. What you're saying is that as long as men can control the situation, and the women, they love marriage. Once it's an equal situation, they don't.

My heart breaks for Middle Eastern women. It's a window into the awful past that feminism has worked so hard to erase here in our world.

[DennyCrane]

11:56 AM on 02/16/2011

It isn't so much that men's standards are too high. It's that the risk is too high. Most men believe that divorce laws are rigged against them, that they stand to lose more financially and personally. If you have kids, the courts tend to favor the mother, or at least that's what most men think. Men are willing to take risks when it comes to their careers. If you fail, you can always start over. But a failed marriage is something you could end up paying for long after the divorce.

[ExitZero]

12:39 PM on 02/16/2011

They'll have to pay the same child support whether they're married or not. Marriage has NO effect on child support obligations.

The personal losses are the same when any relationship ends, whether or not a marriage took place.

These arguments seem completely irrelevant.

[craichead2011]

03:12 AM on 02/17/2011

Not necessarily. There's also alimony to worry about, losing half your retirement savings, and the cost of the lawyer.

[Shaun Hensley]

09:34 AM on 02/17/2011

They aren't at all irrelevant. The question is "why do men increasingly not want to marry?"

The answer is "because men increasingly think it's a bad deal for them"

That you think men are wrong, that it's a good deal for us, is completely irrelevant.

[UberdanSounds]

11:15 AM on 02/16/2011

I'd like to point to this article that the writer referenced in another article but it makes a lot of sense!

http://www.redbookmag.com/kids-family/advice/sexualization-of-young-girls

[NostradamnIsuck]

11:01 AM on 02/16/2011

Once divorce rates reach a certain level, young men entering the workforce are regaled with tales of dissatisfaction about marriage by the same people who are mentoring them in the workplace.
Scares the hell outta them...

[lotus321]

01:50 PM on 02/16/2011

I must agree with you 100%. If I had paid attention to the stories of the men around me about their wives, i would have never ever gotten married. I often wondered if their wives knew how unhappy and miserable they were. I also wondered what type of soft fesces these guys were for not tlaking to their wives about the issue and why they put up with it?  It was came down to the "cheaper to keep her" response."  For me, I would have gotten two jobs and a paper route to get rid of my first wife....freedom, serenity and peace of mind are priceless commodities...

[Widespread Panic]

09:10 PM on 02/16/2011

I agree. I don't know how many times I've heard men warn unmarried men not to get married, and to enjoy their freedom. Or to engaged men "why would you want to go and do that????" I hear it all the time, and it's sad.

[UberdanSounds]

10:57 AM on 02/16/2011

All people do in relationships is argue & fight. Most people I know do that. It's just like the sitcoms, they're imitating real life! I think people are not getting married anymore because they've realized it's a sham. If you wanna be w/someone just do it. If that person cheats on you or you just can't get it up anymore by looking at her & you have to break up, you can move on without ruining your whole financial situation. Marriage was born out of the old religions to keep people under control. Plus, there are more women in the workforce today than men. There are more men unemployed than women. Can a woman date a guy if she's unemployed? Without a doubt. Can a guy date a woman if he's unemployed? NOT BLOODY LIKELY! (or at least not for long) Until we get rid of these double standards there will be more picky women always complaining that they can't find a good man, they have jobs so why can't men all be CEO's & take care of me like a princess? Again, here we are brainwashing our little girls in books & cartoons, & movies to believe that a man will come riding through on a white horse & rescue the princess & they will live happily ever after! How could anyone be happy with the real thing when the fantasy seems so much better?

[AgingLady]

10:47 AM on 02/16/2011

Seems to me that both women and men are questioning marriage and that is a good thing. Marriage has been defined culturally in a way that most people cannot meet the expectations. Don't marry until you and your partner have redefined marriage to fit what the two of you can do and enjoy and in which each of you can thrive and grow.

[h0tr0d]

09:51 AM on 02/16/2011

This is one of the worst written articles I've read. Marriage is a financial trap for men. End of story.