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14 Hilarious Mitch Hedberg Jokes

The Huffington Post    
First Posted: 02/24/11 05:34 PM ET Updated: 05/25/11 07:35 PM ET

In March 2005, the comedy world lost one of its greats when Mitch Hedberg passed away suddenly while traveling in New Jersey. Hedberg's cult following loved him for his matter-of-fact one-liners that pointed out the simple absurdities present in our daily lives. His penchant for wordplay and non-sequitur quips defined his act, and while some comedians attempt to mimic his style, no one mastered it quite like Mitch.

Over the course of his sixteen year career, Hedberg released three CDs and one half-hour Comedy Central Special. In honor of Mitch's Birthday on February 24, we've compiled 14 of our favorite Hedberg jokes. Share your favorite ones in the comments!

  • I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

  • Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

  • I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
  • I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
  • I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
  • My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
  • I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
  • I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait"
  • An escalator can never break--it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."
  • What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.
  • I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple, Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letter, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!
  • Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
  • I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.
  • I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

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