Rahna Reiko Rizzuto Talks 'Hiroshima In The Morning' On The 'Today Show' (VIDEO)

Ten years ago, Rahna Reiko Rizzuto--author of Hiroshima in the Morning--planned to spend six months in Japan doing research for her book before returning home to her husband and two young sons.

What she discovered about herself there changed her life forever.

"I realized that I had lost myself a little bit, and I wanted to give myself more priority," she told The Today Show's Meredith Vieira Thursday morning. So she eventually ended her 20-year marriage, and walked away from her family.

"I didn't want to be a mother, and that was because I had this idea that motherhood was this all-encompassing thing and I was afraid of being swallowed up by that."

Rizzuto's memoir, which is a finalist for the prestigious National Book Critics Circle Awards, chronicles her experience living in Hiroshima and interviewing survivors of the atomic bomb, then returning home to deal with the figurative bomb she set off in her own life, as she began to make her feelings known and her marriage began to unravel. Ultimately, she would make a decision she now regrets: "I left my children. It was unacceptable."

"When I got to Japan, there was kind of a space around me where I wasn't defined anymore in the way that I was in the U.S., where people had these expectations," she said. "I grew in ways that I didn't expect and I had to reassess what I wanted in my life."

Critics have called Rizzuto's behavior selfish. "I would say to [those critics]...that my children are fine, they're not traumatized. And I think they have a great life. They have everything they need...The trick is that it's not coming from the [person] that people think it should be coming from. Their father is doing what I would call the heavy lifting...I'm able to provide them something different."

Today, Rizutto lives down the street from her ex, with whom she shares joint custody. As for her boys, now teens, she believes she is a better mother to them now than she would have been if she didn't leave.

WATCH:

Comments

[Eric Otto]

10:40 AM on 03/08/2011

There have been different points in my life where things just ended on their own accord. It is usually easy to remember when love begins but hard to remember when it ends. When it ends -- this is just love issues -- when it ends it ends. There is no going back. There is nothing to recover. That chapter is over and there is nothing you can do about it. When the only reason that a marriage is being held together because it is "an institution" or "obligation" it is over. I get where she is coming from, however. The kids may or may not get what is going on. I don't where it is written in stone or in fact that all women are maternal by nature.

[rosey7]

09:43 PM on 03/07/2011

Let's get real here. Lots of fathers walk away and we decry but accept because it happens so often. But, let a mother decide she's not best as the custodial parent and that her work consumes her and we want to stone her. I gather she picked a husband who was more paternal than she was maternal. For all of us women who stayed while dad left or mostly was awol, our kids made it. Scarred and bruised in some ways but few families have picture perfect lives. There is a false perception that mothering fills all good women and that they don't feel isolated , confused by the routine of child care and how it's mostly all one way giving from parent to child for years. This comes as a surprise to many women. They talk about it on line or to a friend they believe they can reach out to. So, you say, she shouldn't have had kids. I bet if you asked her she'd say she loves her kids, they are here after all and they are her's. But, given the chance to make the choices all over again, maybe she wouldn't choose to be a mother. And that's okay. You don't know what really will be required of you til you have kids. I'm a mom of seven and I defend Rizzuto.

[Michelle Guevara]

01:25 PM on 03/07/2011

I think this lady has some serious mental issues........any mother in their right mind would never leave her children. She's SICK! Poor kids:(

[wallingtonlives]

01:02 PM on 03/07/2011

This woman's decisions traumatized her children and she continues
to traumatize them to this day for her own financial benefit.

The word "monster" comes to mind.

[lotus321]

12:01 PM on 03/07/2011

I give this lady kudos for knowing she was not prepared to be a mom. She may have save her kids from some the pain of being a bad uninterested parent. 

[ninja45]

03:10 PM on 03/08/2011

So why did it take her 3 tries before she figured this out? She's just selfish.

[cptodd]

05:22 PM on 03/19/2011

Perhaps because societal expectations shaped her decisions just as they are shaping your reaction to her decisions. It seems that women are expected to want to be wives and mothers. Those who don't are seemingly unnatural or broken. Constantly hearing "so when are you going to have children" is a powerful mechanism that shapes behavior. That coupled with all of the chatter about the "natural" tendencies of women wanting children, wanting to be mothers perhaps pushed her (along with her husband's strong desire to have children) to that outcome. Hopefully, because of her ability to speak out others might be spared the pain of finding this out after they have produced children.

For the record, I do find this a selfish act but also think that it was probably the best decision for everyone concerned.

[p.s. I thought she only had two children. Perhaps I am wrong. . .]

[janiepants]

04:21 AM on 03/07/2011

I rather them leave than to read they snapped and shot their kids in the face or put them in the oven. I'm tired of reading *those* stories.

[Muzzle Me]

08:59 PM on 03/06/2011

It initially reads that she left her children for six months to live in Japan. It sounded like that was agreed upon between her husband and her because she was contracted to write said book. So, did she actually make a conscience decision right then and there to leave her children as she professes? Doesn't sound that way. It was more of a contractual thing that she had to fulfill with writing of a book. However, after living away from them is when she decided she preferred having her own time without the day-to-day obligations of parenthood. At which point, that wasn't negotiable to her spouse and in order to effect that she had to end the marraige too. So, I don't know how groundbreaking what she did was. And, "Now, lives down the street from her children"?? She wants the acknowledgement still of being their parent but not much of the responsibility. She should have realized that maybe after giving birth to the first one.

[cptodd]

05:24 PM on 03/19/2011

but as you yourself have written (following what she states) she found that out after the self-discovery she made in Japan.

[SophiavanBuren]

09:33 PM on 03/05/2011

I see so many comments from people condemning this woman/mother, but I am scratching my head and wondering if they even read her article or watched the clip in it's entirety... the words "abandon", "deserted" and "left" her children actually don't apply. I believe the article ends with her explaining that she lives within walking distance of her children and sees them several times during the week. She's still involved... she and her kids do homework together and cook together on a weekly basis, which is great. I think the whole point of this story was to show that roles are changing. More father's are taking on more involved and nurturing roles, and more mother's are opting to bring home the bacon and not always be the full time custodial parent. Bottom line is, both parents have to do what they do best... one has to do the day to day heavy lifting, the other can assist and earn the money to support the family.

Sheesh. Settle down until you find out all the facts people.

[kellygreen]

10:49 AM on 03/06/2011

There is such a thing as "emotional abandonment" by parents.

..and that can be done by an adult who is still living in the same HOUSE as the children. Nevermind "within walking distance".

The message she is sending her children is "I cannot meet MY needs, and meet yours at the same time. So I choose mine over yours...to the point where I choose to turn your entire world upside-down, and no longer wish to live in the same house as you. Though I will give you whatever time and energy I have LEFT after attending to myself."

People are right to be outraged by this because this is poor parenting regardless of which parent engages in it. These children may appear to be "okay"...because a broken relationship with a parent is better than no relationship...but they will NOT be okay in the long term.

They will come to see this for what it is one day. Emotional abandonment on the part of their mother.

[rosey7]

09:52 PM on 03/07/2011

and it's okay for the parent who finds parenting natural and fulfilling to raise the kids. A lot of women have a check list. Get married, have children, have a career. For some it works out, others can't handle it. When I was getting divorced, a child psychiatrist told me "It's optimal to have two good involved parents, but in reality they need one." Rizzuto found, after the fact ,she wasn't naturally maternal and work called to her more than being a full time parent. It happens more than you know. Her boys experience parenting more from their dad just as so many experience parenting more from mom.

[SophiavanBuren]

11:27 PM on 03/07/2011

Rosey7, thank you for your wise words. I'm somewhat flabbergasted by the comments about this writer... and I am sure I read in her article that although she loves her children and is very involved with them, (she lives in walking distance and spends several days a week with them!) she just didn't find motherhood her full time calling. And her husband did!

If she were the divorced dad rather than the mom, would it be more acceptable?

I agree that if both parents are involved and love their kids, it really doesn't matter which one of them does the day to day work and which one of them is the breadwinner/career person. I doubt there would be this kind of backlash if the story were about a father who took a job overseas and when his marriage broke up, decided to let the mom have custody. Maybe we're just more used to that.

I thought our society was finally beginning to embrace role reversal and stereotypes.

[SophiavanBuren]

11:31 PM on 03/07/2011

(in my last comment I meant to say "reject stereotypes")

[bababengali]

05:51 PM on 03/05/2011

Wow what a inconsiderate selfish woman. There are thousands of people who do well in their careers and still manage to raise their kids and give them good lives with out complaining or "loosing themselves".
This is just a weak woman with a knack for language who does not really deserve all this attention.

[mandalay007]

09:20 PM on 03/05/2011

indeed and thank you-----

[kolson780]

01:39 PM on 03/05/2011

As a grown woman who was deserted by her mother, I can safely say that I am not OK, even to this day, and neither are Rizutto's children. The fact that she firmly believes that her children are OK, just confirms my belief that some women are not meant to have children....my mother being one of them.

[SophiavanBuren]

09:25 PM on 03/05/2011

I don't think she deserted her children, they live within walking distance of her and she is with them 3 or 4 nights a week she said in the actual article. I'm sorry you were deserted by your mom, that is painful to kids and unexcuseable. But although this woman isn't "full time mom", I think she's very involved in the kids lives, according to the article.

[kellygreen]

10:54 AM on 03/06/2011

Right.

But is that "involvement" being engaged in to meet the CHILDREN'S needs...or hers?

There is NO rationalizing away the clear message of rejection that she sent those children. That she CHOSE her own needs over theirs..and that she CHOSE to be a part-time parent. Not that she had it forced upon her by family court.

[SheilaKhani]

08:40 PM on 03/06/2011

It must hurt deeply to hear your mom in public saying I didn't want to be a mom :(

[teaology08]

02:28 PM on 03/20/2011

I'm with you kolson780 -- i too was deserted by my mother and then my father. For her to think her kids are fine and that they are not scarred speaks to the very selfish, narcisstic nature of the writer.

[karmafacilitator]

01:33 PM on 03/05/2011

Her children are fine? I'm still amazed how people delude themselves to justify their actions. She may have left her children so that she could grow up, but she clearly has a lot of growing up yet to do. I agree that there's a double standard--but while turning tables may make a point, it rarely solves the problem.

[Eleanor of Aquitaine]

03:54 PM on 03/05/2011

OJ Simpson, ten years after he got away with murdering his ex-wife and her friend, also said his kids were fine. Then he said they never once have asked him about that night, nor do they ever talk about it. Well, if everything was okay they would have talked about it with their father. They didn't because they knew the answer. Their father murdered their mother while they were in the house sleeping.

No child is simply okay when their parent abandons them because they decided that they were too selfish to be a parent. What a horrible woman this is. She wasn't forced to have kids, she made a choice, then dumped them when it got hard. I am betting if we wait until her kids are in their 20's, and ask how they feel about their mother, we'd get a totally different story.

[mandalay007]

09:22 PM on 03/05/2011

and, it has been demonstrated his kids aren't ok, etither==

[Oldhistorian69]

01:17 PM on 03/05/2011

Being a parent is difficult and demanding work. She bore the children and in doing so acquired a responsibility to raise them. The same should be said of any man who fathers a child. I know that many factors may interfer but the responsibility to do your best for them remains.
She impresses me as a selfcentered and selfish person. She does not deserve to be let off the hook. Indeed, why did she "need" to go to Japan to write a book about Hiroshima at that time? There are a number of books on the subject. What did the add the the narrative?

[Eleanor of Aquitaine]

03:56 PM on 03/05/2011

People travel for work all the time. That doesn't mean they abandon their children. Horrid woman. Even if she did go to Japan. She also came home. It was only when she was in Japan and unsaddled with the pressure of being a parent did she realize that her "me time" was more important that the most important people in her life. What a selfish cow.

[Ruth Crowley]

12:26 PM on 03/05/2011

I must say that I am amazed at the narrow thinking on most of these posts. I am trying to wrap my head around this. Life changes, people change and have new needs. Women(or men for that matter) have lives and needs to continue to grow. A parent who is happy with themselves and full have much more to give to their children. A mother does her children no favours by lying down as the mother martyr. Happy, full parents are good parents.

[Eleanor of Aquitaine]

04:00 PM on 03/05/2011

The only time it is okay to dump your kids, is if you are a danger to them or can't support them at all. This is not the case. She wasn't a "perfect 50's mother" so she decided that the lack of unattainable perfection was too hard (boohoo) and she wanted to be free. Tough.

If she was feeling like she was struggling, she and her husband should have sought out help. Get a nanny to cover the little things that she found so hard, block out "me time" every day for a bit, and make sure you put your child's needs and happiness before your own. You don't abandon your kids because you simply need some time to yourself. That is literally throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

[SheilaKhani]

08:44 PM on 03/06/2011

is more about parental thinking than narrow thinking. Bringing a life to this world and raising him/her is the most demanding job. Some say nothing is sacred; but I say parenting is.

[EnemyOfPlutocracy01]

10:16 AM on 03/05/2011

I have only three words for this woman: Selfish! Selfish! Selfish!

[dadw5boys]

11:45 PM on 03/04/2011

My sister sent my mothers a letter some years ago. She had seen this Therapist who told he her mom did not love her enough when she was a little girl.

This made me so sick to read and it destroyed my mother.

My sister and I were very spoiled children I mean very spoiled we did nothing. It took the Vietnam War for me to wake up to what a nightmare I must have been for 2 parents who worked so hard to give me things and love I did not respect anything. Because I did not have to earn it.

My Sister is just now learning this lesson and her daughter are the mirror image of her a spoiled brat.

Our mom and dad should have left we did not deserve them !

[Eleanor of Aquitaine]

04:07 PM on 03/05/2011

Oh, and I too realized in my early 20's that I said some horrible things to my mother while growing up. I apologized whole-heartedly to her, which she was touched by. It also made me rethink all the things that made me dislike my father. I realized that he was not raised around girls, didn't know how to raise one and thought it best to let my mother do the lion's share, while he concentrated on the boys. He did not intend to alienate me. Once I realized that, our relationship improved ten-fold and now we are very close.