On Monday, Stephen Colbert, host of the daily The Colbert Report, begged Steve Jobs to give him Apple's new tablet PC, the iPad 2.
The iPad refresh debuted last week and features a slimmer build, a faster processor and dual webcams. Colbert told his audience that he hasn't been able to get the gadget out of his head since its unveiling. "I'm not sleeping, I'm not eating, I'm not even sleep-eating--not matter how much Ambien I take."
Colbert displayed a picture of the tablet and promptly lost his composure, to the delight of his audience. "Oh my God! I need it! I need it! Give it to me! Is that the old one or the new one? I can't tell! It's just so beautiful. Come on, Apple, give me one through the TV" he pleaded. "I know you have the technology. It's just so much better. Come on, it has dual-core A5 CPU! [...] That means it can not run Flash nine times faster."
Colbert then pulled out his original iPad, which Apple gifted to him last year. While he used to fawn over his tablet device, he seems to have lost interest now that the upgrade is out. "My original iPad is such a hunk of c**p," he said, waving around his iPad 1.
Stephen noted that the iPad 2 drops on March 11 (this Friday) and issued a warning to impatient viewers: "You cannot make an iPad 2 by putting two iPad 1's in a panini press. No matter how much provolone you put in the middle."
"Please, Apple," Colbert concluded, "make me the 'appiest' man in the world. Give me an iPad 2. Also, I could use a new panini press."
If Stephen does get an iPad 2, he may be left wondering what to do with the obsolete model. We're willing to bet that his original iPad chops vegetables as well as it did last year, when he whipped up a fresh tomato salsa using an iPad instead of a knife.