WOMEN
03/14/2011 10:12 pm ET Updated Jul 19, 2011

Irish Jokes, Sayings and Proverbs - From My Irish Hubby!

Irish Diplomacy...

...is the ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he looks forward to making the trip.

Irish Proverb

Beer is God's way of ensuring that the Irish don't take over the world.

Seven Irish Jokes

An old Irishman, named Paddy, is about to go to his eternal reward. He looks at his grieving friend, Mike, and says, "I have one last request, Mike."

"Anything, Paddy," Mike says. "What is it?"

"In me kitchen pantry you'll find a 100-year-old bottle of whiskey. When they put me in the ground will you pour it over me grave?"

"I will, Paddy," Mike says. "But would you mind if I passed it through me kidneys first?"

One night, Mrs. O'Leary answered the door to see her husband's best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

"Hello, Paddy. Where is my husband? I thought he went with you to the beer factory."

Paddy shook his head. "Ah, Mrs. O'Leary," he said, taking off his hat, "there was a terrible accident at the beer factory. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned."

Mrs. O'Leary began to cry. "What a tragedy!" she wailed. "Did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy shook his head. "Not really, he got out three times to pee."

Q: Where does an Irishman go on vacation?

A: To a different pub.

Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.

"My son," said the holy man, "what are you doing? Who are you?"

"I'm God," said the stranger.

"Pardon?"

"I'm God," he repeated. "This is my house!"

Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.

"Your reverence," said he, "I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sat on me altar who claims he's God. What'll he do?"

"Take no chances," said the archbishop. "Get back in the church and look busy!"

An Irishman named Murphy walks into an American bar. He sits down and tells the bartender, "Give me three shots o' your finest Irish whiskey!"

The bartender complies.

After about a week of this same ritual, the bartender asks, "Murphy, would it be better for ye if I put all three shots of Irish Whiskey into one glass?"

"Well, no, actually," Murphy replies. "I have two other brothers back at home, Patrick and Owen, and every time I come into a pub or bar, I order a shot for each o' them so I can remember the good times."

After another week of this routine, Murphy comes into the bar and asks for only two shots of Irish Whiskey. The bartender immediately says, "Murphy, is everything okay? Did somethin' happen to one of your brothers?"

"Oh, no," Murphy says. "I just decided to quit drinkin'."

Three men walk into a bar: a Frenchman, an Italian and an Irishman. Each orders a beer. Three flies fly into the bar and one fly lands in each man's beer.

The Italian man plucks the fly out of his beer, says "Tutto e bene!" ("All is well!"), and drinks the beer.

The Frenchman scowls, shows his beer - with the bug still inside it - to the bartender, and demands another.

The Irishman yanks the fly out of the beer, grabs it by its wings, shakes it angrily and yells, "Cough it up, you wee thievin' bastard!"

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," he replied. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

Old Irish Curse Irish Blessings May you be half an hour in heaven before the devil knows you're dead. May the saint protect ye,

an' sorrow neglect ye,

an' bad luck to the one

that doesn't respect ye.

T' all that belong to ye,

an long life t' yer honor.

That's the end of my song t' ye!

My Weekly Newsletter - Marlo ThomasMy Weekly Newsletter

Sign up to receive my email newsletter each week - It will keep you up-to-date on upcoming articles, Mondays with Marlo guests, videos, and more!

Sign up here

Subscribe to the In(formation) email.
The reality of being a woman — by the numbers.