05/04/2011 02:36 pm ET | Updated Jul 04, 2011

CNN Poll Finds That Most People Think Bin Laden Is In Hell, In Case You Were Wondering

I think most of us are glad to no longer be sharing the same space as Osama bin Laden, metaphysical or otherwise. But because a long time ago it was decided that it was acceptable for major news organizations to just take polls about whatever damn thing happened to occur to them, CNN conducted a poll inquiring whether people thought Osama bin Laden was in Hell. Well, congratulations Hell: 61 percent of respondents say yes, Osama bin Laden will be spending his eternity in a special inferno-adjacent walled compound in Jahannam.

What about the other respondents? According to the poll, "one in ten" say bin Laden is not in Hell and "nearly a quarter" are "unsure." (Five percent of respondents tell CNN that they "do not believe in Hell.") According to the polling internals, the feeling that bin Laden is in Hell is most strongly felt by conservatives, especially those who express support for the Tea Party (that is essentially a critical way of breaking down polls about anything, now).

You want internals? You've got internals. Who feels the strongest that bin Laden is in Hell? Men more than women, people who earn less than $50,000 a year more than more affluent respondents, people without college educations more than those who have them, conservatives more than liberals, and people from the South and Northeast more than people from the West and Midwest.

Of the folks who are uncertain of what to think about Hell, we are reminded by CNN polling director Keating Holland that: "Not all Americans believe in hell," probably thanks to a Time story by Jon Meacham.

I'm guessing that you'll probably find adherents of the hot new thing in conspiracy kookery -- the deathers, who don't believe that bin Laden is dead -- up in the mix of people who are "unsure" that bin Laden is hellbound as well.

For what it's worth, bin Laden's presence in Hell has already been confirmed, by Twitter:

If CNN stays true to form, they will, at the very least, pen an article seeking balance -- "The two sides of the afterlife debate" sounds about right. With any luck, this will touch off a race between news organizations to conduct the first exclusive interview with bin Laden through the assistance of a spirit medium. On that regard, MSNBC probably has the inside track since I'm pretty sure that they already have a "LOCKUP: TERRORIST SEANCES" show as part of their weekend lineup.

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