Since I make my living writing about crime, I have developed a keen sense of my surroundings. Call it paranoia if you will, but I certainly notice everything around me -- the sights, sounds and bumps in the night. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that I managed to stop a crime in progress at my own home early this morning, when I found a dangerous fugitive hiding in my basement.
It all started at about 7 a.m., when I heard a crash downstairs. My Spidey Senses immediately kicked in, and I crept down the dimly lit staircase to investigate. It was there that I came face to face with the flat-footed intruder.
Local law enforcement was kind enough to provide me with a copy of the following affidavit, which details the events that occurred:
On 05/04/2011, at 0700 hours, I was working uniformed patrol when I heard state police radio broadcast an "in progress burglary" on REDACTED St. The homeowner, David Lohr, had entered his basement to discover an unknown subject seated in a windowsill on the west side of the sub building, without his permission.
Upon further inspection, Mr. Lohr determined the intruder was a web-footed omnivore.
The Mallard duckling had apparently forced open a basement window that had been latched shut, without causing damage, and gained entrance to the interior of the residence.
While inside the residence, it appeared the mallard had knocked over several boxes and defecated on a box containing Mr. Lohr's 8-track collection. Mr. Lohr reported that it appeared that the dirty duckling had been in the house for some time.
The mallard immediately attempted to flee from the residence, flying south from its location on the windowsill, but he was subsequently taken into custody by Mr. Lohr. The homeowner used a fishing net to subdue the suspect.
The mallard was taken into custody without incident and transported to Albion Animal Center for processing. Following an extensive screening, Mr. Lohr declined to press charges and the duckling was released on his own recognizance. -- Lt. Anas Platyrhynchos
I had the legal right to hold the mallard accountable for his actions and to bill him -- no pun intended -- for the damages to my music collection. However, given the look in his eyes following his capture, I deemed him a suitable candidate for wetland rehabilitation.