Dealing With Bullying: Why It Isn't All Bad

By Amy Hatch

When my daughter started a full-day pre-kindergarten program, it never occurred to me that she would be bullied, but that's exactly what happened.

The mean girl's name was on my daughter's lips from the beginning, first with breathless admiration and, soon enough, with a dollop of tears.

My kid is a lot like me, which means she's extremely sensitive and inclined to take any negative remark made about her as the gospel truth. Night after night, as we watched the seasons change outside her bedroom window, she spilled her tales of woe about this slight or that insult during our bedtime cuddle.

"Why isn't she my friend, Mom?" she'd ask, her big brown eyes pleading for an answer she could understand.

The urge to pick up the phone and raise holy hell was almost unbearable. But I didn't -- at least not until the school year was just about over -- because I didn't want to be THAT mom.

You know, the mom who harasses the principal about her child's assigned teacher. The mom who is disinclined to believe anything remotely negative about her own kid. The mom who harangues the bus driver about his or her driving skills.

Being THAT mom is tempting, sure, but it's also dangerous. In our zeal to protect our kids -- and let's be honest, parents are wired to do so -- we sometimes fight battles that would be better solved on the playground or by the people who are paid and trained to educate our children.

Stepping in to micro-manage every aspect of your kid's life is a mistake. It robs children of the ability to deal with conflict and rejection. It saps their independence. It labels them, in the eyes of their peers, teachers and administrators, as weak.

Making a big deal out of the little stuff will give you less credibility and diminish your power to advocate for your kid when it really counts. Don't forget the tale of the little boy who cried wolf.

It's easy to be seduced into helicopter parenting. Heck, if I didn't fight my nature every single day, I'd have a landing pad on my roof. My kids are precious to me and the very idea of someone hurting a single hair on their heads makes me roar like the mama lion of lore, and if I felt either of them was in real danger I would step in with all the force I could muster.

I did just that, when my daughter finally reported that her enemy had pushed and scratched her at recess, out of sight of the teachers, one day close to the end of the school year.

Obviously, I want the best for my kids, and I'll do everything in my power to give them the tools to make that happen. But that toolbox doesn't need to include me stepping in to solve their every problem. What I can do is help them cope with and approach a difficult situation with calm and cool heads -- be it the not-perfect-for-them teacher, the boy who pulls pigtails -- or the mean girl on the playground.

Amy Hatch is a freelance writer and the co-founder and editor of chamabanamoms.com.

Comments

[Sean Lucas]

05:53 PM on 08/23/2011

Maybe you're right. Maybe bullying isn't all bad. BUT IT IS MOSTLY BAD! Your kid is getting pushed around at recess and you don't do anything about it until she got physically assaulted? And apparently, all because of what people might think of YOU! Someone take this wingnuts kids away before they really get hurt.

[mingirl1979]

11:42 PM on 08/11/2011

Teach your child to fight back! Don't tell them to simply ignore them or if they bully by calling you names like they did me don't tell them to just laugh it off like my folks did! I told on the kids who teased me since I wasn't allowed to fight and they would get into trouble for teasing me! if telling a teacher or other adult doesn't work and if your child is being physically bullied (ie: pushed, punched, kicked, or otherwise beaten up) teach them to fight back. If the bully pushes them down they should get back up and give the bully a taste of their own medicine by pushing them down even harder! Bullies deserve to feel what it's like to be on the receiving end of a push, trip, punch, etc. It'll teach the bully a lesson and it won't make your child look like a wimp! Enroll them in a karate or self-defense class and empower them to defend themselves against bullies!

[Mr Anonymous]

10:41 PM on 08/11/2011

I liked your article a lot. As parents we need to know when to get involved. I remember when I was 8 I got bullied by a kid my age right in front of my dad. When it was all over he said why didn't you stand up for yourself? If you act weak, people will take advantage of you and treat you even worse later.

People need to learn to be able to stand up for themselves, at the same time, we need to also help and support them when they try and cannot be successful. Leaving people to fail in those situations is not good at all.

[Mithrall]

10:29 PM on 08/10/2011

Move over Tiger-Mom, here comes Bystander-Mom.(actually you don't have to move over, she wont get involved)

[Mithrall]

10:17 PM on 08/10/2011

This qualifies as an article? You make a statement but don't say anything or quote any studies to back it up. Hell this would barely qualify as anectdotal and doesn't really do anything to support your headline.

[isisreptiles]

04:23 AM on 08/10/2011

I don't disagree that the child should be given the opportunity to handle the situation on her own before the parent steps in. But if she isn't able to handle it on her own and the bullying continues, then the parent needs to step in. That isn't "helicopter parenting"; it's being a good and conscientious parent.

I was horribly bullied and left on my own to deal with it, which I wasn't able to do. I wish there would have been someone to step in and stand up for me.

[BassguyGG]

11:02 AM on 08/09/2011

A common-sense approach. More parents should try it.

[dctackett]

07:58 PM on 08/08/2011

I don't understand what the title of this peice has to do with the actual article... "Dealing with Bullying" isn't discussed, only resisting the temptation to deal with it... and "Why It Isn't All Bad" isn't really spoken of...

I understand that you don't want to be an obsessive parent and you need to let you kid's grown and learn on their own, naturally... But bullying IS "all bad" and you do need to "Deal with" it... I was bullied, from first grade through high school graduation... I sure wish an adult would have had some human decency and dealt with it and helped me through it.

[chakrasyoga]

10:36 AM on 08/08/2011

Bullying comes in many forms ranging from the concrete hallways of school, to the uncivil anonymity of cyberspace. Kids are no longer singled out in the back of the parking lot. Bullies attack on social networks; no one witnesses the victim’s pain. Cruelty has morphed since I was young; it now disguises itself.
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2010/10/letter-from-a-bully-marylee-fairbanks/

[Mr Anonymous]

10:44 PM on 08/11/2011

Then people should wisen up and not go to those areas where bullies can reach them 24 hours a day. It is different, a child might have to walk through that hallway, but they don't have to go onto a social network.

[Kenz300]

09:32 PM on 08/07/2011

It seems like bulling became much worse with the advent of right wing talk radio and FAUX NOISE.

The hate and intolerance on radio and TV has become common place.

[rwilli1972]

11:47 AM on 08/06/2011

We just recently aired an episode on bullying in schools. I think much education is needed on this topic. http://www.perspectivestv.com/shows/episodes/55-episode-6-bullying-in-schools

[AnthonyGosse]

11:49 PM on 08/04/2011

Sorry, the beginning came out a bit odd, the first part was supposed to say that it is a miserable idea to sit back and let it happen, you should keep in touch with school officials about any bullying.

[dctackett]

08:07 PM on 08/08/2011

I agree, you don't have to be a psycho parent to be there for your kids, know what's going on and help them out... I wish that had been done for me.

[AnthonyGosse]

11:48 PM on 08/04/2011

I'm a teenager, 14, completly familiar to all the bullying out there. I don't know what this mom is thinking,that seems like a pretty good idea to keep in touch with the teachers. If your kid is being bullied, please, for the sake of all the elementary kids, report it to a teacher. They will try to do something about it. Or give your kid advice. When I was in elementary schooling, and I was being bullied, I would go up to and hang out around a supervising teacher, or settle it myself. There is no worse idea to bullying than not raising hell until the end of the year, you're supposed to be in charge. What this mom calls "helicopter parenting", is not a good idea, it will make your kid just as unhappy if you're in their face all the time, but take some responsibility into your childs life. As a teenager, we don't stand up to bullying, we look out for our freinds, I don't see why a parent wouldn't do the same for their own child.

[rwilli1972]

11:50 AM on 08/06/2011

I think all bullying needs to be reported. I recently aired an episode on bullying in schools which actually had a positive outcome. The school was very cooperative with the parents.
The victim is still going through the recovery process. I imagine it will take some time for her to get over the incident. But bullying is an important issue that should be addressed appropriately in the onset.
http://www.perspectivestv.com/shows/episodes/55-episode-6-bullying-in-schools
http://www.perspectivestv.com/shows/episodes/56-episode-7-bullying-in-schools-part-2

[llisa]

09:27 PM on 08/04/2011

So, you allowed your child to be picked on the entire school year without her teacher even knowing it was going on and didn't step in until it had escalated to physical violence?

Bully for you.

[Namea]

06:56 PM on 08/04/2011

How could you even write this article? I was bullied when I was a senior and even before that in high school. It was no walk in the park, I was called weirdo, freak, stupid by the 'popular' kids when they hardly knew me at all, my wheeled bag was thrown out on two occasions ( I have scoliosis so having a bag on my bag is not an option) because they thought it was the 'cool' thing to do. I was lucky that people stood up for me when I wasn't there, others have not been as lucky. How could you look parents whose kids committed suicide in the face? Or even those kids who snapped because of the bullying and went on a murder spree at their school and will forever spend the rest of their days behind bars because no one cared enough to help them? Miss please never write such an article again,ever! Bullying a serious matter that does alot more damage to a person than is believed, trust me.

[dctackett]

08:11 PM on 08/08/2011

I agree... and it's good to hear that you had people that stood up for you, we're not all so lucky... If I were any other kid I could have committed the acts that you mentioned... I was bullied from first grade through high school.

[Namea]

12:19 PM on 08/09/2011

Wow.... I feel like my issues paled in comparison to yours :( I'm sorry that you had to live with that for that long, that's just wrong no one should be bullied regardless of any circumstances :< However I'm glad that you didn't turn into one of the fore mentioned kids in my post :)