Boys Find Talking About Feelings A Useless Activity, Study Shows

It's no secret that women get frustrated when men won't get emotional. You know, the old:

"My boyfriend has such a guard up."

"My husband refuses to talk about his feelings."

"Why won't he talk to me? Doesn't he feel safe?"

It must be a front to protect his masculinity, some speculate. He doesn't want to look weak.

But, new research from the University of Missouri says this is not the case. Men don't need to feel safe to talk; they don't find talking to be a "particularly useful activity," under any circumstances at all. And while a man's unwillingness to talk can be frustrating to chatty women, it seems the gender difference in how we address problems starts during childhood.

Four different studies, involving nearly 2,000 kids and teens, found that boys and men believe that when it comes to their issues: talking is not a solution.

According to the MU News Bureau Amanda J. Rose, associate professor of psychological sciences at the University of Missouri and her colleagues found that:

Girls had positive expectations for how talking about problems would make them feel, such as expecting to feel cared for, understood and less alone. On the other hand, boys did not endorse some negative expectations more than girls, such as expecting to feel embarrassed, worried about being teased, or bad about not taking care of the problems themselves. Instead, boys reported that talking about problems would make them feel “weird” and like they were “wasting time.”

Rose points out that although it's important to explain to boys that talking about issues can be helpful, "parents also should realize that they may be ‘barking up the wrong tree’ if they think that making boys feel safer will make them confide."

To the other extreme, the study also found that, "Many girls are at risk for excessive problem talk, which is linked with depression and anxiety."

The takeaway for parents: Encourage boys to realize that sometimes talking is helpful and remind girls not to dwell obsessively over their problems.

The paper, “How Girls and Boys Expect Disclosure About Problems Will Make Them Feel: Implications for Friendships,” will be published in an upcoming edition of the journal Child Development. The study was funded by the National Institute for Mental Health and was co-authored by current and former MU psychology graduate students Rebecca Schwartz-Mette, Rhiannon Smith, Lance Swenson, Wendy Carlson, and Erika Waller and Rose’s colleague Steven Asher.

Comments

[pricespector]

10:31 AM on 09/01/2011

My wife asks me what we men talk about while playing golf for 5 hours. I say "golf". And it's true. There might be 5 minutes of how are things going, etc. and that's that.

[twigtrigtrack]

07:09 PM on 08/31/2011

They needed "research" to tell them that men don't find talking to be a "particularly useful activity"? Sheesh.. I coulda told them that for free.

[Ed Baker]

05:32 PM on 08/31/2011

I'm relieved that this piece doesn't contain the old misandry that boys need to be turned into girls and go all touchy feely or there is something wrong with them.

[twigtrigtrack]

07:13 PM on 08/31/2011

haha.. So true. Talk about feeling, about why we're feeling, about why it feels the way it does, and how much better it would feel, and blah blah blah.
Here's the world according to men: are you happy?
- Yes. Keep doing what you're doing.
- No. Do something about it.

[Ed Baker]

08:20 PM on 08/31/2011

Exactly! Complain? Whine? Get on with it - change it or accept it. :)

[Kris W]

04:04 AM on 08/31/2011

The problem is no one listens. It is like in school how people are saying "boy's need this" yadda-yadda, but ignore the simple fact that the educational system treats boy's harsher then girl's.

As a society we tend to de-humanize the male in our day to day actions/thoughts.

[Cynth]

01:35 AM on 08/30/2011

From this article, the study doesn't delve into why boys aren't as interested in talking as girls. Is it hard-wired? Conditioned? What are the ages of the boys studied? How were they raised to think about sharing their feelings? Have they been encouraged/discouraged? Answering these and related questions are just as important as understanding where the boys who were surveyed stand.

[Kris W]

04:18 AM on 08/31/2011

Very smart. The problem is in our society the male can only be the abuser and never the victim. That means any problems males have "must be self inflicted". It is a backwards and harmful way of viewing things but society still holds gendered prejudices against males.

[burtongrl]

09:36 PM on 08/26/2011

Excessive problem talk...omg what next

[Ed Baker]

05:25 PM on 08/31/2011

It's so true though.

[EStreetShuffler]

01:01 PM on 08/26/2011

There's a scene in the movie "White Men Can't Jump" that sums up part of the male/female differences. Rosie Perez is in bed with Woody Harrelson and she says she's thirsty. He immediately gets up to get a drink of water without saying anything. Rosie then gets mad and says she doesn't want him to solve her problem for her, she wants him to understand her problem. It's one of those funny-but-true scenes because Woody is just befuddled by the whole thing: Why can't I just get you a glass of water and then you won't be thirsty? I think later in the movie he even makes up a song to win her back and sings about understanding her feelings of thirstiness or something like that.

It's been my experience that guys do tend to want to get on with things rather than talk about everything.

But my wife, who does far less analysis than she used to when she was younger (when every conversation with a co-worker, friend or relative seemed to require a de-briefing of some kind), has pointed out, correctly I have come to realize, that my old advice to the kids -- "Don't worry about it" -- isn't always helpful. Saying that dismisses something that may be very important and worth talking about. I'm still more likely to go get the glass of water, but I understand the need to talk about thirst once in awhile.

[Hamid Lorette]

12:54 PM on 08/26/2011

I think the stereotype of men being quiet and women being talkative is exaggerated. I had four sisters and have known many women. A lot of women I've know are quiet as a mouse and hardly ever talk. A lot of men I've know talk all the time and can go on and on about there feelings. So, I think it all depends on the person not the gender as to whether or not they are talkative or not. Basically an introverted person will most likely not open up about every thought and an extrovert will be more likely to.

[jf12]

09:48 AM on 08/26/2011

I'm here expressing my feelings about embellishment. Men embellish too, even like women to better express feelings, but we get slapped down for it, especially by women, for example the cartoon fish story. "I caught a nice bream, fully 8 inches long." "You old liar, it was barely over seven and a half." On the other hand, charming men are precisely those men who women permit to lie.

A much more illustrative example about women happened a couple days ago. My wife and I were discussing her mother's treatment with her doctor. The good news is the Haldol is helping her sleep, eliminating the sundowning and sleep walking, and she is far more lucid when awake. The bad news is it's Haldol. Ten minutes discussion, including factual information, opinions, repetition, speculation, etc.

That ballooned into a 30 minute discussion between me and my wife, almost entirely repetitions of how she felt about it. That ballooned into hours-long discussions with her sisters. To the one sister, my wife basically told her to buy a shovel to help bury the mother (no, I'm not really embellishing much). To the other sister, she basically advised her to order a cake for the coming home party.

One could say that those discussions were expressions of feelings. One could say they were manipulative lies.

[syllcurie]

07:58 AM on 08/26/2011

Men would prefer to 'get 'er done' rather than talk about getting it done. I think that's why women who possess 'male brain gender' are more successful in business that the 'Chatty Cathy' type of woman.

[frank day]

08:04 AM on 08/26/2011

I've known too many "chatty" men and a few quiet women.

Stereotypes can be deceptive.

We all need to learn to be a little more flexible in order to cope better.

[onwisconsin]

01:40 AM on 09/01/2011

Reminds me of one of my sisters and her husband.

[PasadenaRick]

06:07 AM on 08/26/2011

My wife will come home with a new outfit..put it on..and ask, "How do you like it"
I reply, "Cute" or "Nice" She comes back with "Is that ALL you have to say".
I say, "Yeap".
I know she wants a 1,000 word (or 1 Hour) comment. But its not in me.
Is there something wrong with me, her, or both of us.
Our daughter is the same. We take her shopping and she tries on every outfit
in the store, well almost. My son will grab and few pair of pants and a couple
shirts and say "Lets get the hell outta here"
Just watch one day, a teen girl will always exceed the number of outfits you
can take into the dressing room...
And its not what she is concerned about. It's what her friends with yak about.

[frank day]

08:04 AM on 08/26/2011

You sound like a metrosexual.

[michele12345]

10:32 AM on 08/26/2011

I hate it when My BF is trying to relay a story to me and has little to no details. Well what did your mom say about that? I didnt ask her... Is she mad about it... I dont know .... Is she going to go.. maybe I dont know im not a investigator I didnt ask all that! LOL He seems to think these types of questions are irrelavent, but they are really important to us!

[jf12]

12:32 PM on 08/26/2011

He probably gave you all the facts, but not hearsay or speculation on other people's thoughts. I guess he could just make stuff up ...

[liephman88]

05:13 AM on 08/26/2011

Ok I thought this subject was addressed years ago? this mind set goes back to early humans where the males hunted and the females did the bulk of the gathering. While hunting the males would seldom if ever speak but use jestures instead so not to spook their game the females on the other hand would be in groups moving though the wilderness gathering berries, nuts and the sort but not wanting to walking up on animals and being attack for suprising them would talk or just in general make some sort of noise to alert creatures of their presents and to help keep tabs on each other in the field.

[syllcurie]

05:04 AM on 08/26/2011

So many women chatter on and on and on about nothing. And when in a group they will constantly interrupt one another. Men simply will not put up with this and consider interrupting another person to be rude and overbearing. Most will disengage quickly and walk away.

[michele12345]

10:36 AM on 08/26/2011

It is def easier between guys when it comes to friends. When I tell my BF some of the things my friends get upset over he laughs and he has never not spoken to a friend over something they said. It just doesnt happen with guys even if they do say something rude to eachother its soon forgotten. And yea you are right we tend to talk over eachother. If not you wont get a word in! lol

[manroj1]

04:19 AM on 08/26/2011

I think most guys exhibit their feelings quite well. I have heard many guys ask women "Hey baby, how did you get to be so totally hot?"

[lovelybunchofcoconuts]

04:29 AM on 08/30/2011

Zactly, those are their feelings, every 7 seconds right?

[vikki2832]

03:20 AM on 08/26/2011

I think it stems from the idea men have to hide their feelings, an if they don't they are not men. I thought that changed! My husband was raised in the 50's and then boys were taught not to cry, or show any emotion. So my son tried to kiss him and he pushed him away...he came to me and cried, I told him, it isn't you he was raised in the 50's and that was a no no to kiss another boy son or not...or show any love...this was from the 50's all the way back to the beginning of time....he understands...and felt better, but was alittle confused...to why he doesn't change... I feel the boys and men are opening up from the 60's to now... and I told my son.....I noticed boys are not as inhibited as they were

[michele12345]

11:06 AM on 08/26/2011

My dad is very loving but he WILL NOT ever say I love you to me. It doesnt really bother me because I know he does. It did once when I was a child but my mom also explained that my dad shows me he loves me and wasnt really brought up to say it where as I always say it. So now at 26 I sometimes say the I love you at the end of the phone call and I may get a OK or mmm but I know deep down he loves me so much so its OK. But he does hug so like I said he def shows it just cant say it. lol On another note trying to get any info out of him is like pulling teeth. He def isnt the show emotions kind of guy, but has always been a great dad so I dnt think you nessecarli­y need the emotional stuff to know a parent loves you.