Parenting A Procastinator: Advice For Parents Whose Kids Put Everything Off

Dear Susan, My eleven-year-old is the worst procrastinator in the world. I have to threaten to ground him to get him to do things he doesn't want to do. What can I do to change this bad habit of his?

Signed,
Sick of waiting

Dear Mom,

As adults, we know that procrastinating creates problems in every aspect of our life. Not only can it impact our success in education and work, but it generates conflict with those we love when they feel they can't depend on us to follow through with committments.

Because of their tendency to put off till tomorrow what would best be done today, procrastinators often rely on others -- parents, teachers, or bosses -- to "light a fire" for them, using threats or bribes to override the inertia that sets in around doing unpleasant tasks.

But of course this is a very unhealthy dynamic, leading to frustration and resentment for everyone involved. While it's understandable that your son -- like all kids -- prefers having fun over doing things he doesn't enjoy, it's important to help youngsters develop the skills they'll need to do well in life, and this includes teaching them ways to manage their resistance to doing tasks they just don't feel like doing.

Here's my advice:

1. Avoid coming across as needy. Kids can "smell" our agenda, and when they sense that we need them to do something, it often triggers their Inner Rebel. Saying, "It's time to feed the dog," rather than, "I need you to feed the dog" is a small adjustment that can make a big difference.
2. Avoid coming across as harsh and judgmental. Kids put their guard up when they sense that we're being critical, especially if their pattern of procrastination stems from legitimate challenges with staying organized and on task. (See #3.)
3. Many of the most creative, intelligent people I know lean toward procrastination when the task at hand is mundane. (I've been there too.) We know we're messing up when we find ourselves dragging our heels to do anything that's challenging for our right-brain style. We're far better served by learning techniques for managing life's dull duties than being scolded for not leaping at the opportunity to do them.
4. Acknowledge how much you understand. You know your son prefers to put things off until the last minute. So, tell him you have decided that the two of you are going to have to come up with a different approach. Explain that you're no longer willing to have the same old arguments about homework and chores, with all the yelling and drama. Invite him to problem solve with you to generate other options for tackling the things he consistently avoids taking care of. I like the mindmapping program "Inspiration" (or "Kidspiration") for brainstorming ideas with kids.
5. Teach your son how to "chunk down" tasks into bite-sized, more manageable ones. Many of us procrastinate because we think that once we start in on something that isn't enjoyable, we'll be stuck doing it for hours. Teach him the Ten Minute Rule, whereby he just works on his math or rakes the yard for 10 minutes, and then gets to decide whether to finish the job or take a pause. Many kids will start a task -- and proceed to completion -- if they know there's light at the end of the tunnel.
6. Suggest that your son create a list of tasks he's responsible for completing each day. Then, rank each item according to how difficult he thinks it will be and how long he thinks it will take. When he's completed a task, have him record how hard it actually was, and how long it actually took. This exercise can be a real eye-opener for procrastinators, who often put things off because they think the job will take longer or be more difficult than it is in practice.

Parenting a procrastinator is tough. There are so many "unfun" things that our kids need to do that every day so it can feel like a battle zone, pushing and pulling to get even the simplest tasks checked off the list.

By legitimizing -- rather than judging -- your son's reluctance to do unpleasant things, and working with him to teach him time management and organizational skills, you'll help him overcome his procrastination habit, and more importantly, restore the loving connection with him that is so important to you both.

Yours in parenting support,
Susan

Parent Coach, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

Comments

[PSos]

11:32 AM on 09/07/2011

Coming from the viewpoint of the procrastinator: I grew up interested in just about everything I came across. If I was supposed to set the table, I'd find myself reading the back of the Salad Dressing label, and completely forget the assignment at hand. If the TV was on, and I walked by, it would grab my eyes and I'd sit down. If my legos were on the ground, I'd grab them and start playing, even though the purpose was to clean them up. I never had academic trouble in school, but I was a "social" kid.

Fast forward to adulthood. Turns out I have ADHD. That "interest" was actually an inability to focus because the next thing was always more interesting, no matter what. While there may be certain procrastination, I believe that presently parents are unwilling to look at the causes of the procrastination, and instead look at ways to "punish out" the activity. For me, the result was continuous punishment, but an inability to comply, and thus a reduction in self confidence.

I'd have your kid take some tests to see if there is more behind the procrastination than simply "saving it till later"

[Xattix]

01:03 PM on 09/10/2011

Good point. I am a procrastinator too, although not because of ADHD. My personality type is extremely introverted, something like 90%. Anytime I come home, I need time to myself to recover. I was like that as a child, too. I would never start on anything (homework, cleaning, etc) until a few hours after I'd been at home. My mom and I would argue about it all the time, and it would only make things worse because it felt like she was nagging me and all I needed was to be left alone for a while.

[akmomma]

04:10 PM on 09/06/2011

I'll deal with this tomorrow.

[Gregg Krech]

10:33 AM on 09/06/2011

It's natural for kids to procrastinate on tasks they don't feel like doing. Many of us continue this behavior through adulthood. Getting them to "do what needs to be done now" can't be taught through duress, but we need to teach kids how to act now rather than later through their own experience. I suggest asking them to offer their comments about their experience where they procrastinated on three separate occasions. Then suggest they take three opportunities to do what is needed right away. Then ask for their comments and compare.

They can learn on their own that when you get things done without waiting till the last minute your experience is much better and you "suffer" less in the long run.

Gregg Krech
author, The Concise Little Guide to Getting Things Done
http://www.todoinstitute.org

[palmer sherry]

12:29 PM on 09/05/2011

Very good advice.

[Ayla87]

11:05 AM on 09/02/2011

Here's an idea: Take away whatever device is distracting that brat and don't give it back until all his work is done.

[PSos]

11:35 AM on 09/07/2011

Using personal experience, I disagree. I got distracted by everything from labels on items I was taking to set the table. Sure, TV, and things like that can be eliminated, or set times for their use can be implemented. But if the distraction comes within the required activity, this isn't always possible. Calling a kid who gets distracted a "brat" implies that the kid is a bad kid, rather than a kid who cannot control what stimulates his mind. Getting to the cause rather than the effect, will help the kid feel less like a problem, and realize that there is something that will help him function better

[Ayla87]

11:47 AM on 09/07/2011

"Getting to the cause rather than the effect, will help the kid feel less like a problem, and realize that there is something that will help him function better”"

Yeah, Ritalin

[leewall]

07:51 PM on 09/01/2011

I usually got a good swift kick in the a** from my mother or father.That always got the ball rolling.

[Gregg-O]

07:35 AM on 09/02/2011

LOL....Ain't that the truth !

[MyNinja]

07:16 PM on 09/01/2011

Procrastinators unite tomorrow!

[lpcrsotp]

06:37 PM on 09/01/2011

I thouight about reading this article but I'll just wait until tomorrow.

[J R M]

04:33 PM on 09/01/2011

My son drove my wife crazy, pushing the limits all the time. He had a time ration for TV and computer/video games that he was always infringing. He started middle school 2 days ago. We dropped our Netflix online service as of 1 September so he no longer has access to his TV programs (we don't get standard broadcast or cable service). His computer account is password locked so he doesn't have access to it - either my wife or I have to sign him in. The Wii and XBOX are connected to the only TV in the house in the family room. There is a new rule in effect:

No computer/video games until his homework and chores are done. And if I have figured out there is a gap in the school coverage, he has to do my assignments as well.

No exceptions.

And if he doesn't get off in a timely manner for bedtime, he looses access for a week.

I am a better heavy than my wife. She asked him, why are you better for your father than you are for me? The answer is that he knows he can't get away with as much with me as with his mother.

[chatnuptime1]

05:36 AM on 09/02/2011

This is exactly the thing not to do! Remember when he relys on external forces to get around to doing things this issue will follow him the rest of his life and he will be resentful of you. I know I have had to deal with procrascination in my own kids.

If he didn't get moving for school and was late he missed his bus. If homework wasn't done he failed the class. If dishes didn't get done before the next meal there was no meal till the dishes were washed. If they didn't clean up the flops or feed the dog.. there was no more dog. Don't want to do a chores. To bad there is no going to the games or movies, or whatever the teen wants to do that requires you getting him there. Thats real world consequence.

After letting him fail half a semester of 8th grade and doing without a meal and having his sister do his chores and get his money and loosing a dog he finally turned around and started to rethink his stratagy. Now he gets up and goes to school without prompting and does his work. He knows an employer will fire him if he disapoints there will be no second chances, no lighting the fire under his foot.

[HTXScarface]

05:16 PM on 09/02/2011

So what your saying is, basically, don't be a parent because reality is tough enough? Hah! Here's what you are missing...some kids don't care because no one is there to punish them, so they figure, no one will punish them. This same kid finds other kids who are also in the same situation, and those kids are usually in GANGS. Now the kid turns 18 and does something really really bad because his parents figured "Oh he'll figure it out", but all it takes is ONE bad mistake, and prison or jail time. Then the kid cannot find a job because of a felony record or so...you see where this is going?? Life is tough, yea, and for people who care it's enough to push you. But some don't care at ALL because they needed parents to show them real time consequences (spanking, grounding, taking away electronics, etc)

[chatnuptime1]

05:37 AM on 09/02/2011

What anyone needs kids included is a dose of reality. Why pull your hair out pitting yourself and your mate in a war of wills with a child? B doesn't happen unless A is done.

Rip the rug out of his agenda by not forcing his hand let reality show him how little good doing nothing is going to reward him. When that last reportcard of the semester came he failed it. I simply said well it looks like you won't be going to high school with your freinds next year. And you will be sharing classes with your sister. Ha! That hit him like a freight train. He worked all summer at making up the damage he had done in summer school.

Why didn't I stop that? Simple he has to be inspired to change himself and see a good reason to do so. Once it happens this way the beauty is that there isn't a relaps when he goes to grandma or aunties house. He made it pattern that he conducts himself accordingly everywhere. No more manipulation, no more two sided stratagy to get around the lienient parent and the stern parent, no more pitting one against the other.

Once reality, with no face or harsh voice to hide from, no one to cuss out, and slam the doors at. Reality cares little about your feelings or your time. It will teach them cause and effect. A lesson that never tires of teaching.

[Oregonian76]

03:30 PM on 09/01/2011

A very important piece of advice was missed here, and I would suggest it's the most important method of dealing with procrastination.

Compromise and patience.

People procrastinate because they are either 1) feeling disrespected, in that their desires don't matter or they are being manipulated, or 2) not particularly interested in or passionate about what's being asked.

My 4-year-old is already procrastinating about all manner of things. Picking up his toys. Coming to the dinner table. Getting his pajamas on. What do my wife & I do? We compromise. But we don't dictate the terms; we ask him what it would take for him to want to change tasks. He's learning that he does actually have a choice, which is going to be very powerful for him as he grows.

And you know what? It works EVERY TIME. Without fits. Without meltdowns. Everyone wins, because he got to do something else that he chose first (even if we do steer the choices somewhat, as we should as parents), but we got him to take care of whatever it was we were asking for as well. As he gets older and the choices will need to become much more free for him, we'll work with that and continue to teach him about compromise, freedom, consequence, sacrifice, patience, etc.

[Gregg-O]

05:03 PM on 09/01/2011

So...you let him have a say in controlling you, good luck with that in a few year's as he will soon learn how to manipulate you into what he want's most of the time, or if nothing else, how to at least get some of what he want's all of the time.. Kid's ALWAY's push limit's , your job as a parent is to enforce the limit's, and keep them steady. I have 4, trust me, one should be a piece of cake.

[Oregonian76]

06:11 PM on 09/01/2011

Nope. Nobody is "controlling" anyone else, because the point of working for compromise and respect is that it's never about control. The point I'm making is that even very young children can be taught to respect boundaries... if you also give them their share of respect as well. Yes, as parents we put our foot down when necessary, but parenting shouldn't be about obedience or duty.

I also have a 2 year old, and we're already working on her as well. Both of my kids do their fair share of hemming & hawing at stuff, but ultimately, they are very obviously learning that cooperation is way more beneficial to everyone (including themselves) than for them to be whiny or insistent.

Kids push limits with parents that don't project confidence. Because it's not about "parent v. child" when it comes to pushing limits - that is about power and being the Alpha in the relationship. We all do it in all relationships until we accept our place.

(I'd appreciate less condescension next time, by the way. Thanks.)

[forgetpartylines]

02:59 PM on 09/01/2011

Let the kid procrastinate. It is not going to kill them and they need to learn that there are consequences.

[TXanimal]

11:24 AM on 09/02/2011

That's what my parents did sometimes. So I didn't feel like doing my homework...OK, well I'm the one who's going to suffer from getting the big fat ZERO on that assignment. I couldn't seem to get myself out of bed in the morning for soccer practice? Well, I couldn't be upset when I had to sit the bench for the next game.

[qud]

02:57 PM on 09/01/2011

I wonder if the author realizes that they are asking the child to do things as part of the solution. They proscratinate which means they are not going to do these things when you want them to either. I have tried all of the above, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't and my wife is a trained counsellor. You just have to take it one step at a time. This looks very nice in theory above but in reality it does not work as easy as 1-2-3 as is intimated above. I have 2/4 children who are really bad proscratinators. They put the "pro" in procrastinate.

[NancyPeske]

01:30 PM on 09/01/2011

These are great suggestions.
I think it's kind of funny that we want kids to be focused but then we want to break their focus and get instant obedience! I will ask my son to do something, and if he's engaged, we'll talk about when he'll do it--and I hold him to it. He may say, "I want to do that after lunch," and then I'll remind him after lunch.
If he were to balk at that point, I'd play detective. Kids might procrastinate out of fear or disorganization. Maybe a child doesn't know how to begin to clean his room or start his homework assignment. Getting angry and threatening doesn't help him know how to start a too-complex process, I figure.

http://www.sensorysmartparent.com

[bgangwer1981]

12:49 PM on 09/01/2011

My kids are not teens yet but either way I felt this was good advice.

If all else fails try a shock collar.