6 Ways To Fight Right

Everyone fights. The key, however, is to "fight right." Handled correctly, conflicts can help instead of hindering a relationship.

We asked Dr. Benjamin Karney, psychology professor at UCLA and Gay Hendricks, HuffPost blogger and relationship counselor to tell us what makes a conflict productive -- and what doesn't.

"Keep the conflict in perspective," advises Dr. Karney. "Ask yourself: If this conflict doesn't get resolved, do I still want to stay in this relationship? If the answer is yes, it takes the pressure off the fight."

Hendricks recommends "speaking from the heart instead of the head and shoulders." "Most people communicate with their head -- they focus on what's wrong, on blaming the other person," he says. "Instead, be honest without being blameful."

Here are six tips for effective fighting.

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Comments

[Stephen Borgman]

10:54 AM on 12/06/2011

The biggest key to success, with all of these strategies, is to memorize them prior to your next argument. I've been guilty of knowing but not doing: and it seems a fair amount of mental rehearsal of appropriate strategies is needed in order to start fighting better.

[Samantha Renault]

05:18 PM on 10/22/2011

women need drama. if they're not entertained with drama from their man they leave or create drama out of nothing. drama for a woman gives her life thrill and meaning. even though nearly every female acts this way a lot of men do too. the best way to avoid drama queens is to only date people that have interests and passions outside of their own personal lives.

[Carolyn Martin]

05:48 PM on 10/23/2011

I've been doing couples' counseling for over 20 years and your comments don't fit at all with my experience.

[DrMiaRose]

11:00 PM on 10/21/2011

Managing conflict effectively is definitely one of the most important aspects of giving a relationship the best chance to last. Of all the issues that cause conflict in a relationship, it's important to work out what needs to be resolved, what doesn't need to be resolved, and what can't be resolved. There are some things that we just have to agree to disagree on - and move on. If not, frustration and anger escalate and can do serious damage to a relationship.

I enjoyed these six ways to fight right. Thank you very much.

Mia Rose
http://www.healinglovenotes.com/i-love-you-quotes.html

[Nonpc1]

06:07 AM on 10/21/2011

The best way to solve the argument and the issues of that argument is for the wife to tell her husband she is sorry and to assure him that she will not make that same mistake again. And then follow through by her correcting her mistakes. Over time this will allow the husband to come to trust his wife again and the problems will have been solved.

[Gnomeo]

01:15 AM on 10/21/2011

My grandparents taught me that it's perfectly fine to disagree, even to have some on-going disagreements. They key was to agree that you would never deliberately hurt each other on purpose. If you can agree and trust each other on the basis of taking personal responsibility for your actions, blame doesn't really become a huge issue.

[jonesenterimail]

09:51 PM on 10/20/2011

One rule on how to stop a fight.
"Thats righ dear, oh youu are so right, OMgoodness that was I thinking, i didn't properly understand, but I do now."
This will not only stop the fight, but have some laughs aswell, maybe even a quick trip to DQ together.

[natal plum]

09:25 PM on 10/20/2011

Passive/aggressive rules. Get smacked over the head by your spouse verbally? Don't say anything. Retire, go to bed downstairs on the sofa. Be cool. Weekend off. Take a deep beath, consider the options and then file for divorce Monday. Marriage was a bad idea anyway. Might as well extrictate yourselves. Can't go back on the comment spousie - let's put this thing to rest.

[Spencer P Lane]

05:37 PM on 10/20/2011

I know now the importance of conflict within a relationship. I look back at a failed marriage and see that we were afraid to let conflict find its place. That avoidance led to resentment which ultimately doomed our relationship. We were afraid to open up to each other and make ourselves vulnerable. From this I have learned what I want in future relationships - honesty.

[peithecelt]

01:25 PM on 10/20/2011

I truly believe that going to bed mad has saved my marriage once or twice. If I'm TOO TIRED to think straight? I'm too tired to fight "right".. I would rather walk away, and go to bed on the understanding that we still need to talk, but it can't be done rationally at this point.. You may not sleep WELL, but it's better than fighting when you're tired and then saying something that is hurtful or actively damaging.. (also the problem never seems as big the next morning, which helps).

[orkt]

12:34 PM on 10/20/2011

I usually find this type of advice to be complete bull, but these points are effective ones that I have uncovered myself after decades of fighting :)